Do you judge a woman at all by how her family is?

vhmPook · 11 months

Ugh, I know this situation well. It entirely depends on how she handles it/them and whether or not any of it has rubbed off onto her.

LouBrown · 11 months

Well it's easy to say that the girl is the only thing that matters. In reality, if you marry a girl, you're marrying the family as well. If her family is totally insane (in any number of ways), then it would definitely be a downer.

LancePeterson · 11 months

For lack of a better word, yes.

JakeSaint · 11 months

Simply put? yes. If the family is fucked, no matter how good of a show the girl puts on away from that fucked family, eventually, baggage is going to show up that are going to make me SERIOUSLY regret getting involved with her. learned that mistake in my two longest relationships, and i'm done dating girls that have families that messed up.

Canard427 · 11 months

It definitely plays into the relationship. But how she handles her family says a lot about her character. My ex's family was batshit crazy, but she had all but cut them out of her life i.e we only saw them on holidays like christmas and thanksgiving, so knowing that, I was ok knowing that we would not be seeing them on any sort of regular basis.

TheCitizen12 · 11 months

My family is fucked to the point where I moved out of my mother's house before I turned 18. I've now graduated high school, moved into an apartment, and am funding my way through college. I know that a person's family is never indicative of themselves.

That being said, how they interacted with their family would be something that I would judge, just as I would judge how they interacted with strangers, their friends, and me.

I never judge someone on circumstances outside their control.

Noedel · 11 months

My gf parents are fucked up. Not a single fuck was given. I hardly see them though, and neither does she. Mostly, I feel bad for my GF about this. Sometimes it crosses my mind that she may just end up like her mom, but I think she's pretty aware of that risk as well.

MiguelSTG · 11 months

Family full of "low-aimers"? I run.

Family members in prison, multiple members? Bolt

Family operate on rent-a-center and rent to own housing? Call me the magic man, now you see me, now you don't.

Meth heads? Douce

So yes. All joking aside, a family that is fucked doesn't know boundaries and that will prevent us from having a good life. If we are doing well her family will look to us for help, not advice. There will always be gas money needed till pay day or rent money ... Crazy will fuck you good but crazy will fuck you

Joseph_KP · 11 months

Well, it certainly doesn't help things. If it's more than something casual, then I'm going to want to eventually meet your folks and bond with them at some level.

Some people have mentioned examples where the girl has distanced herself from her "fucked" family. In my experience this is the exception and not the rule, and would be a case-by-case basis. Either way, I'd tread lightly and want to know more about it and her.

Daddy_Digital · 11 months

yes and no. not everyone's family is "normal".its your call. if things are too fucked up and you dont feel like dealing with it or cant handle it, just let this girl go.

wild-tangent · 11 months

Yes. The more drama she has with her family, the more trouble she is. Often they stir the pot, maybe because they were raised to, or because they're the cause of it. It's VERY rare this isn't the case.

If you know them before shit hits the fan, stick by 'em. Otherwise, jet.

WhiteRastaJ · 11 months

Partially. The big thing is how a woman acts with her family. If they're fucked up, and she joins the club around them, she can take a hike. Been there, no plans on returning. If she's cool and obviously embarrassed by their behavior then its ok.

"So long as they're not squatting in a ditch poking berries up their noses..."

LEIFey · 11 months

Really depends on the girl and her relationship with her family. Everyone's family is a little crazy; it's all about how we deal with it.

Beau_Vine · 11 months

Nope, and it's something I've faced pretty regularly.

And in so many different ways, too! :P You'd have to be a tad more specific if possible - there's so many qualifications for being fucked - apodictic control freaks, alcoholics, happy-looking rasists, stupid, etc etc. the kinds influences what challenges arise, but if the girl is worth my time - this is really small potatoes.

No_Easy_Buckets · 11 months

Knee jerk reaction is no. But upon reflection, I dated a girl who's mom was 20 years younger than her rich dad, who lived in his ski resort house, and who got 10k a mont from him just for existing. At first it didn't matter but as the relationship developed it became clear that she had based her value set around her mother's. And that was sad.

If you're just fucked like you're angry at eachother I'm not tripping. If your values are fucked then we aren't talking.

SirElkarOwhey · 11 months

It'll probably depend on just how screwed-up they are and how much time you'll be expected to spend with them.

My brother's in-laws are beyond dysfunctional, but they live a couple hundred miles away and visits are brief, so not a real big deal.

punninglinguist · 11 months

If she has an awful, abusive, and/or criminal family, then I would foresee trouble ahead if she hadn't cut them out of her life.

elasto · 11 months

That all depends on how crazy the family is, and how much has rubbed off on her. Some people have a strong personality where they are not too affected by their family's Krazy. But it all depends on what kind and intensity of Krazy we are talking about.

Besides, most families are at least a bit odd, or have the one member who is odd. There is a difference between "being odd", "normal fighting and disagreements", and "severely dysfunctional". Severely dysfunctional people are often irrational for some reason, and that's a problem for me.

I had to disown my own mom. It was really hard, but it had to be done to get rid of most of the drama and stress in my life. I took control of my life and chose not to have negative people in it. I'm much happier for this decision. Of course, a part of me misses her, but she will never be well. And I realize and accept this.

boolean_sledgehammer · 11 months

I tend to judge people on how they handle themselves as individuals in the here and now, not based on their backgrounds. We've all got baggage. True character, if you ask me, is determined by how you choose to handle yourself despite your upbringing. I have a hard time respecting the kind of person who lets their past dictate who they are.

For example: 9/10ths of my wife's family is absolutely, 100% bugfuck crazy, and she'd be the first to tell you that. As much as I hate using dismissive terms like "crazy," I have to recognize when the term applies. One of the reasons I have so much respect for my wife is that she chose to break the idiotic, self-destructive habits of her family and made a new life for herself, free from the chaos.

Novelt_Acct · 11 months

Yes and No. You have to see if it has affected her and in what ways. My ex gfs family was all fucked up. She was fucked up because of it and even tried to kinda separate me from my family and cause drama. The girl I'm with now, her family isn't the greatest but she hasn't been affected by it. She's a cool chick and a keeper. You pretty much have to judge each person individually but it would send up a red flag.

ImDubbinIt · 11 months

Yes! I know that there are things I picked up on from my parents, and there are things I don't Like and the only person that can change me is me, so I wouldn't ask a girl to change who she would inevitably become, unless she was already working to do so

[deleted] · 11 months

Nope, unless she expects me to hang out with them.

zirazira · 11 months

My dad used to say, "Marry the woman marry the family". That family passed their traits on to someone and it might as well be her so be careful.

MrConventional · 11 months

Yes.

[deleted] · 11 months

yes.

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