this post was submitted on 03 Jan 2010
476 points (72% like it)
763 up votes 287 down votes

comments

kimelopidaer 565 points566 points 6 months ago[-]

Went bust in one thrust.

BdaMann 75 points76 points 6 months ago[-]

Five words and it rhymes!

BraveheartMoonedMe 346 points347 points 6 months ago[-]

Friend's sister, he walked in.

durmanhoth 112 points113 points 6 months ago[-]

Ouch, must suck. Go on...

BraveheartMoonedMe 306 points307 points 6 months ago[-]

I was at his house visiting for the weekend (he moved away while we were in high school) when my friend, his older sister and i all decided we start playing some drinking games. A few hours in he gets a call from his girlfriend and they get into a huge argument and he goes off for about and hour or so. Meanwhile, I'm alone with his sister, one thing leads to another and we get down to the dirty deed. As stated it was my first time, not hers, so she was trying to show me a good time. We get through and all and we finished but she decides she wants to suck on my thang and as she is down there slurpin' away he walks in. Needless to say, he was pretty damn upset and the rest of the weekend was one of the most awkward experiences of my life.

notcaptainkirk 86 points87 points 6 months ago[-]

So... she let you hit that again?

cdigioia 51 points52 points 6 months ago[-]

the rest of the weekend was one of the most awkward experiences of my life.

You stayed?

notaloop 37 points38 points 6 months ago[-]

Of course, he had to go for seconds.

BraveheartMoonedMe 32 points33 points 6 months ago[-]

I had bought round trip train tickets, so I was in for the long haul.

Killfuck_Soulshitter 24 points25 points 6 months ago[-]

Friend then gave high five?

Cliff_Tortoise 368 points369 points 6 months ago[-]

On period, didn't tell me

greentide008 228 points229 points 6 months ago[-]

Just blood, feels the same.

Culero 204 points205 points 6 months ago[-]

feels the same, smells different.

Phallus 231 points232 points 6 months ago* [-]

Feels the same, tastes different.

edit: I'm a bit ashamed that this is my highest rated comment, ever.

Culero 122 points123 points 6 months ago[-]

Look like hands-free spaghetti.

L7Weenie 170 points171 points 6 months ago[-]

Just threw up a little

berfarah 216 points217 points 6 months ago[-]

OH MY GOD HER PARENTS

eCDKEY 10 points11 points 6 months ago[-]

how did that work out for you

theRube 217 points218 points 6 months ago[-]

two enamored virgins trying awkwardly

rocky13 60 points61 points 6 months ago[-]

Just six more syllables, referencing spring and that would be a great Haiku.

baldhippy 68 points69 points 6 months ago[-]

the bed springs squeaked loudly

natinia 16 points17 points 6 months ago[-]

two enamored vir-

gins trying awkwardly to

fit in poem form

Iamthelolrus 603 points604 points 6 months ago[-]

Touched boob. Hit in face.

yoursecretsantaguy 176 points177 points 6 months ago[-]

This comment made me orgasm

Gravity13 359 points360 points 6 months ago[-]

This orgasm made me comment.

flytrap 200 points201 points 6 months ago[-]

her expectations exceeded my abilities

[deleted] 730 points731 points 6 months ago[-]

Hand meets Penis. Decade missing.

Apocrathia 51 points52 points 6 months ago[-]

Bye Bye Adolescence, Hello Hand.

Thagirion 356 points357 points 6 months ago[-]

Am I doing it right?

CookieDough 91 points92 points 6 months ago[-]

You were doing it wrong

Wapakz 14 points15 points 6 months ago[-]

Ouch, that was uncalled for.

ironyjoe 466 points467 points 6 months ago[-]

Everything went better than expected.

thevoiceless 44 points45 points 6 months ago[-]

Happened yesterday, best night ever.

[deleted] 6 months ago[-]

[deleted]

Banananonymous 205 points206 points 6 months ago[-]

If true, do an AMA.

Firefoxx336 144 points145 points 6 months ago[-]

So glad upvoting is anonymous.

laughingplague 113 points114 points 6 months ago* [-]

not when you comment.

Edit:

atrich 92 points93 points 6 months ago[-]

That's only four words.

ThaddeusGammelthorpe 43 points44 points 6 months ago[-]

That's only four words.

strig 38 points39 points 6 months ago[-]

That's only four words.

leftysarepeople2 44 points45 points 6 months ago[-]

Apostrophes connect two words colloquially

strig 28 points29 points 6 months ago[-]

Two words combined into one.

enlashok 18 points19 points 6 months ago[-]

By the power of greyskull.

xqpnoted 233 points234 points 6 months ago[-]

She does porn now (seriously).

ezou 448 points449 points 6 months ago[-]

in... out... in... out... done

day-ah 116 points117 points 6 months ago[-]

Mine would be one less in, out. And some crying.

happywaffle 128 points129 points 6 months ago[-]

in... out... done... apologizing... crying

How's that?

day-ah 57 points58 points 6 months ago[-]

Yep, that's about it right before his mom walked in. I couldn't sum that up in five words though.

d07c0m 115 points116 points 6 months ago[-]

A wild parent appeared suddenly!

Killfuck_Soulshitter 85 points86 points 6 months ago[-]

Wild parent uses puritan nation!

It's super effective! Get off my daughter!

Peroxyde 35 points36 points 6 months ago[-]

Comment funny, username funnier. Masturbate.

RexManningDay 562 points563 points 6 months ago[-]

REALLY bad at faking heterosexuality.

nailz1000 141 points142 points 6 months ago[-]

Rolling on the floor laughing.

postdarwin 81 points82 points 6 months ago[-]

Can you abbreviate that phrase?

Ginger-Jesus 171 points172 points 6 months ago[-]

She came and I didn't

Jaquestrap 63 points64 points 6 months ago[-]

flip side of the usual first time

Hermia 39 points40 points 6 months ago[-]

How did you do that?

bilabrin 37 points38 points 6 months ago[-]

Well, there's a lot of pressure on a guy his first time and sometimes it's hard to relax enough for it to be good for him. He's worried about a LOT of factors and there are some things taking him by surprise as well so... And if he's with a more experienced girl, she can enjoy herself and relax more easily.

Liar_tuck 163 points164 points 6 months ago[-]

She later married my brother.

fallenmink 65 points66 points 6 months ago[-]

It was a family affair.

Slartibartfaster 52 points53 points 6 months ago[-]

damn.

mrhorrible 137 points138 points 6 months ago[-]

Erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, simultaneously.

Killfuck_Soulshitter 153 points154 points 6 months ago[-]

Did the high pressure and low rigidity cause it to flail around like an out of control fire hose?

mrhorrible 100 points101 points 6 months ago[-]

Yes. As a matter of fact. Which was rather coincidental as Yakkety Sax came up on the playlist we had going. And then I noticed that I wasn't even with my girlfriend. I had turned around and this old granny stood where my girlfriend had been standing. I didn't even notice! The granny took a look at me and screamed and started chasing after me with her umbrella. I ran off, noticing my girlfriend was nearby, so I started chasing her, with the granny still coming after me.

The chase led to a public square and a group of police joined in behind the old lady, trying to apprehend me. It was just an honest mistake. I was so embarrassed. I tried to lose them all by hiding behind a popcorn vendor. Just when I thought I was finally safe, I turned around and there was the old lady. Right behind me!

I ran off again, only now the hotdog vendor joined in behind everyone. The police were blowing their whistles and shaking their clubs at me. I was so frightened. I just wanted to get away from it all, and meet up with my girlfriend to explain.

MattyRog 319 points320 points 6 months ago[-]

wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

hanyouslayer 1021 points1022 points 6 months ago[-]

I am still a virgin.

emkat 610 points611 points 6 months ago[-]

Condom for sale; never worn.

elocbej 203 points204 points 6 months ago[-]

Hemingway got more than me.

vergilKint 60 points61 points 6 months ago* [-]

Making Emily Dickinson look lascivious.

Edit:Oops on the double post. Edit Edit: Epic Typo.

updn 224 points225 points 6 months ago[-]

Let's play 'just the tip'.

[deleted] 57 points58 points 6 months ago[-]

its quite hard to play

RE_Chief 167 points168 points 6 months ago[-]

Teeth do not feel good.

GreatCosmicBlort 26 points27 points 6 months ago[-]

chewing gum giving head sucks

DrFilth 11 points12 points 6 months ago[-]

Baby take your teeth out.

CaptainTaylorCortez 218 points219 points 6 months ago[-]

Sixteen, backseat, Church parking lot.

olomantis 73 points74 points 6 months ago[-]

Fifteen, backseat, outside my house

mahnic 66 points67 points 6 months ago[-]

Seventeen, backseat, School parking lot.

unicorn787 99 points100 points 6 months ago[-]

Sixteen, Waterbed, Cars greatest hits...

nigelsan 61 points62 points 6 months ago[-]

seventeen, stall, Women showering near.

Alliebeth 49 points50 points 6 months ago[-]

Fifteen, backseat, cemetery parking lot.

two_ninetynine 247 points248 points 6 months ago[-]

Colonel Mustard, parlor, lead pipe.

kylegetsspam 21 points22 points 6 months ago[-]

Ouch. I bet that hurt.

natinia 18 points19 points 6 months ago[-]

You needed some... pipe laid?

untz untz untz untz untz

whitelightbrown 113 points114 points 6 months ago[-]

Twenty, older than everyone above :(

vox35 28 points29 points 6 months ago[-]

I was twenty as well

originalone 26 points27 points 6 months ago[-]

I am twenty, soon please?

rbrt 128 points129 points 6 months ago[-]

Condom broke. Morning after pill.

TheTame 243 points244 points 6 months ago[-]

My friend was sent to fetch the morning after pill from a pharmacy for the first time. Sheepishly looking around, not knowing what he was looking for, he asked someone: "Er, hi, I am looking for the morning after pill". They replied, "I'm sorry, I don't work here".

Hermia 43 points44 points 6 months ago[-]

Ouch.

bakedleaf 36 points37 points 6 months ago[-]

Same. 40 bucks for it too, it's a real sucker punch to the gonads.

linz0rz 37 points38 points 6 months ago[-]

Plan B pills are free at Planned Parenthood, silly.

damianm 63 points64 points 6 months ago[-]

It's still cheaper than an abortion.

aerosquid 99 points100 points 6 months ago[-]

me:9 female babysitter molests

HeavyPetter 84 points85 points 6 months ago* [-]

I've just learned that Reddit, due to your excellent posting history, has approved you for an unlimited amount of more words to continue this story. Act now!

tylermenezes 16 points17 points 6 months ago[-]

This comment had a whole new meaning after I read your username.

dnlslm9 15 points16 points 6 months ago[-]

Are you saying 9 female babysitters molested you?

Lycur 96 points97 points 6 months ago[-]

Lets never speak of that.

abitRandom 181 points182 points 6 months ago[-]

And boom goes the dynamite!

repooper 106 points107 points 6 months ago[-]

fucked a catholic. she cried.

DrFilth 44 points45 points 6 months ago[-]

Cumunion will do that, amen.

ub3rm3nsch 48 points49 points 6 months ago[-]

I could go allllllllll............. ....done.

guisar 118 points119 points 6 months ago[-]

They both were fucking awesome.

SliveDraver 225 points226 points 6 months ago[-]

Who names their kid Awesome?

moskaudancer 27 points28 points 6 months ago[-]

Max Power?

DarkComplectedSoul 65 points66 points 6 months ago[-]

parents away. awkward on floor.

goonbee 37 points38 points 6 months ago[-]

With your sister?

DarkComplectedSoul 25 points26 points 6 months ago[-]

5 words came pretty fast. thanks for filling that in.

kempo666 95 points96 points 6 months ago[-]

Water bed blow-job on acid.

IsYourNameTangLung 58 points59 points 6 months ago[-]

That actually sounds rather frightening.

bsonk 173 points174 points 6 months ago[-]

AUGH THE DEMON WHORE HAS MY LOVE STICK

TonguesInBums 58 points59 points 6 months ago[-]

He peed in my mouth.

lookingchris 60 points61 points 6 months ago[-]

A+++++ would do it again!

throwing_paint 157 points158 points 6 months ago[-]

Still with him today. Engaged :)

Jdban 27 points28 points 6 months ago[-]

Congrats

Shannonigans 79 points80 points 6 months ago[-]

15, in car, police knock.

basementdad 20 points21 points 6 months ago[-]

[deleted] 371 points372 points 6 months ago[-]

He took it without permission.

too_long_didnt_read 468 points469 points 6 months ago[-]

Worst username to go with that comment EVER :(

[deleted] 108 points109 points 6 months ago[-]

I am at peace with what happened.

Gravedigger3 101 points102 points 6 months ago[-]

Want to hang out sometime?

Peroxyde 204 points205 points 6 months ago[-]

Worst username to go with that comment EVER :(

rivalius13 54 points55 points 6 months ago[-]

PedoBearsBloodyCock would care to disagree.

youdontsmellbad 82 points83 points 6 months ago[-]

Oh God. I was afraid someone would post this. Upvoted for frankness.

grooviegurl 14 points15 points 6 months ago* [-]

Ditto.

"You didn't feel like a virgin." which is obviously an excellent justification.

Kixie 40 points41 points 6 months ago[-]

::hugs:: I did not say yes.

[deleted] 27 points28 points 6 months ago[-]

Thanks. Permission to hug back?

ishboo 13 points14 points 6 months ago[-]

Have an upvote that might make you feel better.

holdingme 43 points44 points 6 months ago[-]

should have been her sister

professorpan 121 points122 points 6 months ago[-]

Summer lovin', happened so fast

megagoosey 54 points55 points 6 months ago[-]

(Tell me more, tell me more) Did you get very far?

JamEaterBlues 58 points59 points 6 months ago[-]

Blood all over the walls.

vaginalsecretion 36 points37 points 6 months ago[-]

Go on....

randoof 39 points40 points 6 months ago[-]

I lost my erection twice.

Killfuck_Soulshitter 51 points52 points 6 months ago[-]

Did she not say HAAAAAAAAAR when she was supposed to?

[deleted] 6 months ago[-]

[deleted]

TheScogg 96 points97 points 6 months ago[-]

Me too, bud. Me too.

DudeAsInCool 34 points35 points 6 months ago[-]

Menstrual stopped the flow. Period.

HRP 34 points35 points 6 months ago[-]

How about five letters: Short.

DavidMagnum 12 points13 points 6 months ago[-]

Nice. It works both ways.

sifumokung 32 points33 points 6 months ago* [-]

Ignorant fumbling in the dark.

Edit: My wife's submission - "Jesus, What was I thinking?"

[deleted] 6 months ago[-]

[deleted]

donnie0darko0 28 points29 points 6 months ago[-]

Thought it would be better.

giantenemycrab 161 points162 points 6 months ago[-]

Way too short.

NegativeK 13 points14 points 6 months ago[-]

That sucks. It must be difficult, being a giant crab and all.

I wish you luck in finding a giant crab mate.

Syphon8 65 points66 points 6 months ago[-]

That's what she said.

Dangger 57 points58 points 6 months ago[-]

Vidi, vici, veni

pianowow 16 points17 points 6 months ago[-]

what you did there I see.

jotate 93 points94 points 6 months ago[-]

Me: "It's in. OH GOD, I..."

Epilogue: Her: "...hahaha!"

:(

jowblob 63 points64 points 6 months ago[-]

Her: "Um, is it in yet?"

Me (epilogue): "Uh... no..." (I lied.)

):

Chloric_Beef 34 points35 points 6 months ago[-]

At least she took it well

PityFool 52 points53 points 6 months ago[-]

Two girls; candlewax gets crusty.

lukasmach 10 points11 points 6 months ago[-]

I think we have a winner...

the1truedan 15 points16 points 6 months ago[-]

Paid for by family. Amsterdam.

streen 15 points16 points 6 months ago[-]

OH MY GOD I'M FUCKING

djDK 15 points16 points 6 months ago[-]

Also first kiss. Blame alcohol.

maran 15 points16 points 6 months ago[-]

I thought it'd be gooier.

Radar_Monkey 39 points40 points 6 months ago[-]

Kinky goth girl raped me.

roswell3980 11 points12 points 6 months ago[-]

Is there something wrong here?

Radar_Monkey 32 points33 points 6 months ago[-]

I was tied to her bed getting oral and she hopped on cowgirl. I freaked out for a second because we didn't have a condom. It only started out as rape.

shehanagins 24 points25 points 6 months ago[-]

my hand is my lover

YoungBastard 34 points35 points 6 months ago* [-]

Cell Block C with Tyrone.

GiantJacob 68 points69 points 6 months ago[-]

fap fap fap fap fap

Vitalstatistix 78 points79 points 6 months ago[-]

Blood??? Vagina ate my dick!

jesscon0202 34 points35 points 6 months ago[-]

vagina dentata!!!

joezuntz 39 points40 points 6 months ago[-]

Such a beautiful phrase
It means no worries
For the rest of your days
Vagina Dentata!

flowmage 11 points12 points 6 months ago[-]

You may have ruined that song for me forever.

chorn74 45 points46 points 6 months ago[-]

one, two, three, four, sorry :/

assman111 122 points123 points 6 months ago[-]

Ugly slut gave me clap.

rav3nous 36 points37 points 6 months ago[-]

oh man, on your first go? That's rough.

vergilKint 58 points59 points 6 months ago[-]

I jizzed in my pants.

youdontsmellbad 14 points15 points 6 months ago[-]

Prozac, nervousness. I couldn't come.

whodacares 109 points110 points 6 months ago[-]

He shit on the sheets.

Anal sex is tricky, woe is the plague of the gay.

TheAughtSpectrum 29 points30 points 6 months ago[-]

What a shitty first time.

TheAughtSpectrum 24 points25 points 6 months ago[-]

His first time blew ass.

Bacherello 20 points21 points 6 months ago[-]

ctrl + f

bozarking

0 of 0

sigh

deltopia 21 points22 points 6 months ago[-]

Wedding night. Epic bad decision.

Zhai 26 points27 points 6 months ago[-]

Stop bouncing on my balls, please.

[deleted] 12 points13 points 6 months ago[-]

Short. Bewildering. Unsatisfying for her.

ponyolovesHAM 12 points13 points 6 months ago[-]

wow let's do that again

rwhop 59 points60 points 6 months ago[-]

handjob with vaseline watching se7en

[deleted] 32 points33 points 6 months ago[-]

Oh that can't be good.

Rockytriton 24 points25 points 6 months ago[-]

no lube, let's use tea.

dabombnl 23 points24 points 6 months ago[-]

Worst. First sexual experience. Ever.

hehdot 46 points47 points 6 months ago[-]

Now with a claim like that you have to elaborate.

zedfrederic 41 points42 points 6 months ago[-]

My sexual experience is nonexistent.

chipbuddy 10 points11 points 6 months ago[-]

she said "better than tampon."

Chelseafan 10 points11 points 6 months ago[-]

Childhood home. Awkward parental meeting.

ArturoBadfinger 15 points16 points 6 months ago[-]

finally. Finally! FINALLY! That's it?

Masturbatheist 53 points54 points 6 months ago[-]

It was with a manatee.

blaspheminCapn 46 points47 points 6 months ago[-]

OMG... this... IS... (uh) over

jooes 27 points28 points 6 months ago[-]

YES! YES! Awww...

I know that's only 3 words. Let's just say I'm good at disappointing.

krizo 28 points29 points 6 months ago[-]

Skipping school listening to Nirvana.

lavalampmaster 21 points22 points 6 months ago[-]

I kept my glasses on

CuriousRaccoon 14 points15 points 6 months ago[-]

some of us like that, you know :/

samnesia 17 points18 points 6 months ago[-]

Thanks, marijuana. Now nothing compares.

blastek 8 points9 points 6 months ago[-]

short and sweet for me

dooliemac 14 points15 points 6 months ago[-]

Could not get it in.

ExistentialEnso 18 points19 points 6 months ago[-]

Considerably better than lonely masturbating.

ka0sk1tt3n 12 points13 points 6 months ago[-]

back seat of a buick