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[–]bwiegand 383 points384 points ago*

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I can offer some insight from the other side and I only hope it helps.

When I was 10 years old I was involved in a serious accident on my bike with a van. Long story short, I was flying out of a culdesac as the van was driving in and I struck the front quarter panel of the van (100% my fault). I flew over the van, the antenna lodged it self in the side of my head and came off with me, I had severe head trauma, broken elbow, and had to have looked like hell.

I don't remember anything from the incident other than waking up in the hospital the next morning.

I didn't think anything of it... as a kid, I didn't even think to ask what happened or why. It just was was what it was. I was in ICU for several days and had a litany of CAT scans to make sure there wasn't any serious brain damage.

I ran into the driver of the van several years after the accident and he told me that he had just started to get over the nightmares and guilty feelings of what happened. Up to that point, I hadn't even considered the ramifications of my actions on the driver and the personal hell he had to live through.

I can tell you that neither I or any of my family/friends held even an ounce of ill will against the driver... there was literally nothing he could have done and the fact was, I was 100% responsible for what happened. I don't know if that helps any, but I hope getting a glimpse of the other side helps answer some of the questions you may have running through your head...

*Fixed a grammar error

[–]Somsta 56 points57 points ago

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Something similar happened to my cousin 20 years ago, only he did not survive. Like you, my family feels no ill will or blame against the trucker who happened to be driving the vehicle that hit my cousin. In fact, we all feel pretty terrible that he's probably living with guilt. So it goes.

[–]colebluefearn 7 points8 points ago

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Vonnegut writes so beautifully about life and death.

[–]handsome_mantle 176 points177 points ago

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I ran into the driver of the van

ಠ_ಠ

[–]elSpike 38 points39 points ago

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I feel kinda bad cause I LOLed

[–]24rubikscube 63 points64 points ago

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You should contact him again. If possible. Meet for a beer or something.

[–]Unfa 21 points22 points ago

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Hey, yeah, it's me. Remember the kid from 10 years ago you hit with your truck? I'm coming to kill you hahahaha naaaaah just kidding. Hey wanna go for a beer?

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points ago

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I too can offer some insight, even if the only one I comfort is myself.

You see, I am a 12-volt telescoping radio antenna fitted to a 1981 Ford Econoline van ...

[–]kairedfern 2 points3 points ago

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Thank you for your story- I feel this could really help.

[–]P2000Camaro 2 points3 points ago

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Sorry to "pry", but I'd kinda like to hear more about what happened when you met him.. Did you assure him that it was your fault, and tell him he had nothing to feel guilty about? Did he seem relieved that you were OK?...?

[–][deleted] 1226 points1227 points ago

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Seek therapy. I am not answering your question. Just suggesting what to do now.

[–][deleted] ago*

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 199 points200 points ago

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Wow, that's pretty tough stuff. Internet hugs for you and your wonderful humanity.

[–]the_red_phone 61 points62 points ago

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yeah that is a tough job to sign up for. at least they had someone there for them instead of being alone.

[–]CookiesAHelluvaDrug 80 points81 points ago

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I am lucky to be the uncle of a beautiful baby boy. My nephew experience complications from the beginning and was taken off life support on his tenth day of life. I'm not sure of the circumstances but I know my brother and his wife could not bear to witness it. I hope the person that did it was as loving and considerate. Now I can't stop crying. Damn it.

[–]MoJoe1 2 points3 points ago

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I know how hard that is, mine was 44 days old. As the saying goes, you may regret doing it, but you for sure WILL regret NOT doing it. I wish they could have been there, or barring that, known someone like OP was. You should tell them about this guy anyway, and let them read this thread, it may help.

[–]seeingredagain 1049 points1050 points ago

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At least the last hands that ever touched them were loving hands. You are a really remarkable person.

[–]ShutNot 111 points112 points ago

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How can anyone downvote this?

[–]GET_A_LAWYER 187 points188 points ago

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The karma system includes automatic fuzzing to foil bots and spammers. The net karma is correct, but the number of up and downvotes is falsified.

[–]SrsSteel 19 points20 points ago

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I had no idea!

[–]Phallic 25 points26 points ago

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It's in the FAQ.

[–]alphanovember 14 points15 points ago*

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I wish someone would once and for all clarify this. As of right now, the net karma is the same as the Upvotes minus the Downvotes. So that makes me think your second sentence is wrong. I keep hearing different versions of how the vote-fuzzing is in effect and understand how it works generally, but don't see how it deters spam if the vote counts and net karma agree on the same figure.

Someone please just give me a straight answer.

[–]gramathy 18 points19 points ago

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There is an upvote given for every fuzzed downvote so the net karma stays the same.

[–]GET_A_LAWYER 6 points7 points ago

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The admins have posted detailed explanations before, that's how I learned.
You'll just have to find the thread(s) where they discuss it.

[–]voodoo1102 63 points64 points ago

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It's probably just Reddit's auto-downvote, anti-bot system balancing it out.

Either that, or it's possible to use the internet whilst being devoid of a soul.

[–]macaronisalad 2 points3 points ago

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It might also be people who are upset by the concept of his job that they mistake a downvote for a poll on how they feel about the whole matter.

Or trolls. There are plenty of trolls.

[–]FasterOnFire 95 points96 points ago

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I kinda feel bad upvoting your comment, but it is an upvote of support, not because I like that you had to do those things.

I was a veterinary assistant at a kill shelter, and I had to be there when countless dogs and cats were put to sleep. I was one of the last human beings they ever saw. It tore my heart to pieces. I stayed with most of them until they were gone. Not quite the same as your situation, I know, but still pretty tough.

[–]PianomanKY 17 points18 points ago

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I couldn't do that... I had the worst time putting my dog to sleep although she was suffering, it was the right thing to do, and I was with her when she died... broke my heart. But what's even worse in your case was a lot of those animals were probably put to sleep because either nobody wanted to adopt them or to make room for other animals, and for no other reason. That's really sad and I just couldn't handle that.

[–]josread 29 points30 points ago

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I work at an emergency animal hospital. All the pets we put down are terminally ill, and even though I'm glad I get to offer them comfort in their final moments, it breaks my heart every time I feel an animal take its last breath in my arms.

[–]goodizzle 61 points62 points ago

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The majority of those people were babies.

I was crying at this.

When the parents were not available I would hold the kids until they died.

I should probably just leave work now. :( You're very strong.

[–]touchy610 69 points70 points ago

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Wow, you dealt with that for 8 years? You are a much, much stronger person than me, and I hope that I could have that kind of strength in the face of any situation. I'd be a weeping ball of sob even if I had to unhook an obviously sick, dying, elderly person.

[–]DIGGYRULES 112 points113 points ago

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My God. I cannot fathom anything more soul-defining than rocking babies while they die. Bless you for what you did. Whether you are a believer in God or an atheist. I say, bless you. And I mean it.

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points ago

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I held my own infant child as it died. I understand.

[–]poorsoi 13 points14 points ago

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I'm so sorry.

[–]pinktoebluefoot 5 points6 points ago

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I am so sorry. Yes, you understand about courage <3 a million hugs and kisses upon your sweet face x

[–]abascas[S] 63 points64 points ago

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That has to be the worst job ever.

[–]Jizzworthy 2 points3 points ago

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There are some very positive things about the respiratory therapy field though. This is one heartbreaking, extremely tough part of the field. Please do not let shed the field in a negative light, as the first thing you think of when you hear Respiratory Therapist.

There are Respiratory Therapist and then those that are specifically trained to work in NICU's and PICUS (Neonatal ICU and Pediatric ICUs). Working in a NICU or PICU you will see babies and children die, it will happen. I have only seen it from a student perspective so far, and I know this...I did enough rotations through the NICU and PICUs.

RT is a great field to get into overall, but like any other job - there are some very tough things to deal with.

[–]pixelpants 21 points22 points ago

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That's so sad... I don't know how you were able to last 8 years doing that. I would've lost it after the first one. You are a shining example of the sort of kindness and care we should all strive for.

[–]gexman31 18 points19 points ago

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Wow. This hit just hit me so incredibly hard that there are people out there who have a job like this. Thank you for doing it as long as you can and I hope you're happy with your new job.

[–]spaceman9 111 points112 points ago

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That reminds me of a poem I read a few years ago. I still remember it:

Here a pretty baby lies

Sung asleep with lullabies

Pray be silent and not stir

The easy earth that covers her.

Don't know if it does anything for you, but poetry has helped me cope with some things.

[–]horizontal_lampshade 39 points40 points ago

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That's such a haunting yet beautiful poem.

[–]janna23 13 points14 points ago

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Beautiful.

[–]Rixxer 2 points3 points ago

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the last line hits you like a punch to the chest... christ.

[–]Rowdybunny05 21 points22 points ago

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I don't know what to say, but I know your job was necessary at those times. I maybe assume some people don't sit and hold the child, I imagine if they are unconscious they wouldn't know if you held them or not. But you did. You're not just a good person, you're something else entirely.

[–]Gunhead 23 points24 points ago

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since I rocked the last baby to death

Tears. Lots of tears :(

[–]Nomakeme 12 points13 points ago

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It is reassuring to know that there are good people who do these jobs. Thank you.

[–]The_Singing_Dildo 6 points7 points ago

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You helped a lot of people live though didn't you?

[–]ncjumper 6 points7 points ago

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I never really remembered those.

And not really no, the scale tips heavily the other way when you are in the hospital.

[–]Iable-A 9 points10 points ago

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I can second that health care is rough. I've been in ems for 6 years now and a lot of people get burned out and quit and are too macho to go to therapy.

[–]ghostbackwards 43 points44 points ago

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parents weren't available to rock there own child to final sleep? WTF?

[–][deleted] 187 points188 points ago

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If it was a really bad pregnancy/labour, it could be that the mother was in intensive care as well, and the father might not be present or might be caring for the mother. It could be that the mother had passed on as well. Generally in situations where babies are in that much trouble, there's repercussions for the mother as well, and the father might have had to decide whether he wanted to be with his wife while she fought for life, or watch their newborn child die.

[–]ghostbackwards 64 points65 points ago

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Thank you so much for the insight. Really, thank you. I never would have thought of that.

[–][deleted] 46 points47 points ago*

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It's no problem, I did think "what the hell were the parents doing?!" for a while after reading it as well, but then I thought about what my mum had told me about after she had me - she passed out from weird blood problems and wasn't able to hold me for the first 24 hours because she was unconscious, so if something had happened to me then, she wouldn't have been there.

[–]PrincessPissyPants 31 points32 points ago

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I wasn't allowed out of bed for 24 hours after giving birth after an emergency c-section (preeclampsia), and it killed me to know that my husband, parents, and in-laws had gotten to hold my tiny 4-pound twins and I couldn't be there for the first day of their lives. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something had gone wrong during that time period. I suppose in hindsight it's probably good that I wasn't terribly lucid given the magnesium sulfate I was on, because otherwise I would have planted myself in the nicu with them and refused to leave.

As an agnostic, I don't say it very often, but when I do, I really mean it- God bless you. There need to be more wonderful compassionate people like you in the world.

TL;DR: who's chopping onions around here? Cut it out!

[–]pinktoebluefoot 2 points3 points ago

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choppin

[–]DonieDrako 71 points72 points ago

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I worked in a NICU (NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit) where we took care of infants who were born early (as early as 22 weeks gestation - 40 weeks gestation is normal) or were born with some issue that required an ICU level of care.

The hospitals that I worked in quite often served a State wide population. Some parents lived 4+ hours away and as many of the babies would be in the NICU for 2-6 months the parents could not be at the bedside always.

Some of the babies were for all intents and purposes abandoned usually due to drugs or the parents could not cope with a sick kid and walked away. Mostly, the parents where there as much as possible but when a pre-term infant with a Grade 4 head bleed (IVH), Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC) and Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn (PPHN) starts to go downhill, the infant can die in less than an hour. Usually, too short of a time to get the parents from home to hospital.

Other times the parents could not cope with being with their baby while he/she died. I volunteered to stay with the baby in these circumstances.

[–]ghostbackwards 7 points8 points ago

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Thank you for this. It is all making sense now.

[–]nghtlghts 140 points141 points ago

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Sometimes parents know that a baby is not going to be "viable". They come into the hospital to give birth knowing they aren't going to leave with a baby. They've said goodbye long before they've gotten there, and it's easier not to prolong everything.

[–]moving0target 13 points14 points ago

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I could have voiced this type of outrage before I had a kid of my own. I don't know if I'd be able to stay in the room. Just thinking about this made me go hug my kid.

[–]memearchivingbot 10 points11 points ago

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People are complicated. I don't know that I'd have the strength to do it. I hope that I would.

[–]ketocon 19 points20 points ago

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maybe parents died in car accident and the baby lived for a bit longer.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

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don't judge that situation or the people involved until you know ALL the facts.

[–]Nkliph 4 points5 points ago

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I'm a grown man and this makes me tear up. You were doing God-like work holding the parent-less children until they died.

[–]bastawhiz 217 points218 points ago

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This. Reddit is not a trained counselor. The reason the professionals are professionals is because they are professionals.

[–]Bucky_Goldstein 68 points69 points ago

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Yes, please go seek some therapy

You didn't do anything wrong, but some outside help can work wonders somedays

I'm really sorry this happened to you, its a huge load to put on someone for the rest of their life, and just remember there are friends and family to help you carry that load

[–]Asplundh 18 points19 points ago

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You're now tagged as Tautologist with RES.

[–]ctini1189 90 points91 points ago

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People don't realize how helpful therapy can be. Give it a chance!!!!

[–]upvotes_cited_source 58 points59 points ago

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So I'm the 20,000th person to say this, but go to therapy. Hopefully if enough people keep telling you this, it will get through.

[–]abascas[S] 49 points50 points ago

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that's what my gf insists on me doing. I guess I was just looking for some people to identify with me on this.

[–]pixiesong 91 points92 points ago

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This American Life had a story about a man going through a similar guilt after hitting a girl on a bike. You may find it helpful. http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/359/life-after-death

[–]abascas[S] 19 points20 points ago

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thank you.

[–]sanph 42 points43 points ago

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You should also keep in mind that you aren't the parent that thought it would be fine to leave an 18 month old child unattended near an intersection. Slightly older children don't count as babysitters. If you aren't responsible for putting the child outside and not watching it, how does it follow that you are responsible for hitting it? Especially if you had slowed and especially if you were already going the speed limit (or slower).

This is entirely on the parents, not you. If you already did everything right on the road, which it sounds like you did, there's no reason for you to feel guilty. There is no other law that could be made that would have protected that child from her retarded parents.

Also remember that 100% of the job of the police is to arrest people wherever possible and find criminal responsibility wherever possible. They exist to accuse you and assign guilt, not to absolve you in spite of guilt (thus the old adage to never talk to the police, even if you are innocent). If they did not find it, you did not do anything wrong.

That's just the logic of it though. I can't help you with the emotional part. Go to therapy.

[–]Mildcorma 23 points24 points ago

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Have you spoken to the parents of the child? This might sound daunting but I think if they give you their forgiveness and understand that you did nothing wrong, then that will lift a massive weight off your chest. If you do decide to do this, then make sure a police officer or therapist is present with you.

This will help, but it's not something i've seen mentioned anywhere on this thread. I think a weight will be lifted if you speak and / or apologise to them. If you're frank and tell them what you've been going through, then they should be forgiving. I really think this will be a massive help to you, as if you don't get some kind of closure then you'll be a mess for ages.

Also try and find out how the child is, as it could be he's fine. I hit a child once, doing 25 in a 30 and he just ran out from behind a car, nothing I could do but stamp on the brakes and watch as he went limp on the floor. An ambulance came and took him to hospital. I was properly shaken up and all I could think about was how the child was... The parents saw me at the police station and told me he was fine, and they knew it was only an accident and I wasn't to blame. Made me tear up properly not going to lie, but getting that forgiveness made it so much easier to get on with it. I don't think about now, but you need to get your head straight or this will effect you for the rest of your life.

[–]SomeFokkerTookMyName 43 points44 points ago

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I would think about this. If these are the kind of people who let their children play in the street without supervision, then they are probably going to blame you for the accident.

[–]1RAOKADAY 7 points8 points ago*

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I had a similar thought. Even if one person takes their irrational anger out on him and another tries to explain. That memory will be burned into his head for a long time.

This is a very big decision, maybe tentative contact could be made with a professional used as a middle man. You could check with a cop, doctor, etc. and see if the family is ready.

Edit: Grammar

[–]pinktoebluefoot 2 points3 points ago

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Do any of you people with the huge sweeping generalizations to make about the parents- actually know anything about parenting? That kids mum will be a warrior if she ever manages to forgive herself. Do you think the mum is going to give an AMA on reddit anytime? I was busy cleaning the house and trying to get dinner on, when my child was run over. I wasn't watching her and I can never get over the guilt.

[–]userface 8 points9 points ago

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This. My brother was hit by a car 3 years ago, and suffers from TBI. There's resentment toward the kid who hit him. Mostly because his wealthy family found a great lawyer to fight against helping with the expenses of my brother's medical bills. Though the kid was texting, going 45 on a 35 road, my brother's skateboard had gone into the road before him, so the driver could have seen the skateboard at least 30 seconds before my brother ran out. I have no idea if the kid who hit him feels any remorse or guilt, and I realize that mistakes happen but it would have been great if he showed at least SOME sympathy to our family, instead of him playing off like it was no big deal (my mom stalked his facebook and literally the day after the accident "wooo can't wait for the rugby game! Then hanging out with -friend- after!") It sounds like the accident wasn't your fault at all, still I think it would be beneficial to both you and the family, if you offered support and sympathy.

[–]anastasiabeverhausen 23 points24 points ago

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I was struck by a car in 2003 (I was a teenager), was in a coma for several days, suffered from TBI, etc.

Luckily, I'm for the most part fine these days. The driver of the car came to my house while I was still recovering to seek forgiveness. He brought me a small teddy bear.

I thought it was the nicest thing ever, and I asked him to forgive me because he must've felt awful and I would hate for anything to weigh on him, especially since it looked like I would be mostly fine.

The visit ended, and I felt less bad about him thinking I ruined his life, and hoped he could sleep better, etc.

Fast forward several months, we get a letter from some kind of insurance we had (I was rather hazy for a few months during recovery, plus I was a teenager, so I'm not really sure what was going on): The driver had decided to sue us because of a shoulder injury he obtained from the wreck and the judge had ruled in his favor. We now owed him $20,000.

As happy as I was to be alive, this made me feel terrible.

Random story, sorry :P

[–]Lady_Molotov 13 points14 points ago

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My Uncle, back in the 80's, was hit and killed by a drunk driver a week before Christmas. He was 15. Woman was so drunk that she hit him, his jacket caught on her car, and she dragged him 100 feet before finally stopping. Doctors said that what killed him was being dragged. There were no charges, no trial. Nothing. She got away with murder. Reason being it was a small town and she was close with the head of police. The original report, citing that she was intoxicated, speeding, and showing how at fault she was disappeared (later to resurface after my family hired a PI), and a new report claiming it was just an accident, surfaced. As if that isn't bad enough, her husband decided to take my grandparents to court... His grounds? She was so emotionally traumatized by killing my Uncle, that he was no longer getting any action from her. Yeah. Dumb lawsuit. They lost. In the end, my family ended up with a small settlement from the police department for how they handled the case. This story reminded me of that. How inconciderate and disgusting people can be. You absolutely should've sued him back, because quite obviously, he held zero remorse. It disgusts me when people hurt or kill kids, and turn around to sue the victim! I am so sorry you had to go through that. I give you props for being able to forgive him, and for that, you are the better person. =]

[–]anastasiabeverhausen 5 points6 points ago

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That's terrible!! I'm so sorry. That is an awful way to lose a loved one. And to have no closure/No remorse from the killer. Mistakes happen, and everyone does things they regret, but it would be a much better place if people took responsibility for their actions.

I think my family had been through enough at that point when they got the notice that we'd been sued. They were fighting with the insurance company to get bills paid, dealing with a kid recovering from a TBI. It was a little much all at once. Luckily, I think whatever insurance we had covered a majority of the $20,000 and promptly dropped us from their policy.

The world is a hard place to live!

[–]MoJoe1 2 points3 points ago

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RED ALERT, RED ALERT, BWOOOP BWOOP BWOOP!

Don't do this. The parents may be cool and may not. If they aren't cool, it could cause more damage to you then you could ever recover from.

Go to the funeral, stay in back, cry less than the parents, put a flower on the casket and return to your spot in back. Leave the parents to their own feelings until you have fully dealt with yours.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE nor take any blame for the situation, you can go as far as "I'm sorry this situation exists and that your child was affected by it", but any more specific then that and you risk legal troubles AS WELL AS your own mental troubles. Take ownership of your situation, learn from it, and help others avoid it, but by accepting responsibility of the outcome to those who can't help but find someone to lash out on is folley. Plus, if you accept blame to the parents, you accept blame to yourself, and trust me, that will take hold and slowly strangle you the rest of your life. Accept that the situation exists and that you were a tool, an instrument, a piece of that situation, but the situation was there despite you. I don't mean god or anything, I'm actually an atheist; a friend of mine used the analogy once: "I know I was in the path of the hurricane, but weather it existed just to hit me I will never know"

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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If it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault.

We all do things every day which inadvertently cause suffering to others. You would be surprised how much suffering was inflicted on laboratory animals to produce some of your most common household items. Yet we all go on with our lives, knowing that there is enormous suffering in the world, much of it caused by us.

Do whatever you need to do to get on with your life. Remember and honor the child, but don't let it destroy more lives than it already has.

[–]siddster 9 points10 points ago

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Seek therapy absolutely.. but do remember that none of this is your fault really.. the thing to remember is that kids actively try to get themselves killed all the time. Same thing happened to my friend. Except he was the kids father.. was pretty terrible and took him about a year to recover from it. My point is little kids do all kinds of dumb things all the bloody time and sometimes they get hurt or killed. Think of all the silly things we did growing up that could have ended badly.

[–]X-pert74 17 points18 points ago

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Therapy kicks ass

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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I am going to second this. I am sorry for the situation you've found yourself in. You sound like a good person and I wish you the best.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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LindLTailor is right. You can't handle this by yourself. You probably have PTSD, and you do not want to keep having these nightmares about it. Go talk to a professional, it will help.

[–]liesitellmykids 5 points6 points ago

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I am answering your question. Seek therapy. You're probably feeling some PTSD effects. If this were someone else, what would you tell them to do.

If you don't like the first therapist, go to another. And another until you find one you feel comfortable with. Keep going.

[–]FMITAP 240 points241 points ago

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I have the same feeling that you do, man. I hit a woman with my car about a year and a half ago. The thud of her body on the car as I hit her doing 50mph haunts me. The feeling I had when I pulled over and realized I had struck another human being with a deadly weapon still resides within. The sight of her laying in the middle of a 6 lane highway is burned into my retinas. But, I too was not at fault for the accident. At fault or not, it's not exactly the best memory to have. It gets better, but it never goes away.

[–]NeonDisease 152 points153 points ago

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what the hell was some woman doing in the middle of a 6 lane highway?

[–]FMITAP 220 points221 points ago

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You tell me. It was 2am. Extremely dark. She was wearing a black top and a black skirt with chains on it. She was drunk and reportedly on cocaine. She had just come out of the bar and was crossing with her boyfriend. I didn't see them until the last possible second. I tried to swerve, but ended up clipping her, breaking her leg in like 3 places. She had to get multiple surgeries to fix it. Honestly, I try to look at the bright side. If I would have hit her dead on, which I was going to do if I hadn't have swerved, she would probably be dead.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points ago

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True! Imagine if she was hit by a runner. No medical help, lying in the middle of the road. Multiple people would end up with horrible memories. In a way, you acted as best as anyone could, a hero in a way, and probably saved her and possibly other peoples lives.

[–]FMITAP 38 points39 points ago

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Once it happened, I immediately stopped, got out of the car, and ran over. I had my phone out to call 911, but luckily a police officer was a few hundred yards away and saw us. EMT's were on the scene very, very quickly due to this. So, it could have been much, much worse.

[–]thatonechick33 57 points58 points ago

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She was drunk and reportedly on cocaine.

Have you ever thought that this incident could have changed her life for the better? Did you have any contact with the woman after she was hit? If not, maybe this woke her up from her crazy, dangerous lifestyle. Maybe she realized she needed to stay sober and maybe she looked at her life now as a second chance. Maybe you hitting her actually saved her, in a way.

[–]FMITAP 27 points28 points ago

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I never thought of it that way. I guess I always assumed that her lifestyle choice would never change. I didn't have any contact with her whatsoever. The only contact about the incident after police looked at me and said "It's not your fault, you can go home now." was with my insurance company. They said the woman was trying to file a claim to pay for her medical bills, and they denied her due to refusing to release her toxicology report. They told me that she could try and sue me personally since they denied her claim. She lawyered up, but nothing ever happened. I guess I never really thought of it that way, though. That's kind of comforting. But, I haven't heard from/about her since, so I guess we'll never know.

[–]thatonechick33 29 points30 points ago

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It doesn't always happen to end positvely, but it does happen. My cousins husband... he was such a mean, hateful, just plain terrible man. He was abusive, verbally and physically. Always getting into fights. Pretty much just a dick to everyone. He was in a car accident while he was drinking and driving. He was the only person who got hurt from the accident. And afterwards he was a different person. Complete turn around. Now he's one of the most well-respected men in his community, and the story is shared often. Just something else to think about, when you're thinking about the "what if's".

[–]rlaptop7 2 points3 points ago

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That's probably for the best.

Hang in there.

[–]blankey2 4 points5 points ago

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I had a relative who was a homeless crack addict for more than a decade. Despite many attempts by his family to help him, he would never, or could never, kick the habit. He was pretty much near the end of his life when he got hit by a car, which smashed his leg terribly. The time in the hospital gave him an opportunity to reflect on where he was going with his life. Long story short, lying there in the hospital bed for months, he decided to give it a go to turn his life around. Which he did. Crawled back from his addiction, moved to a city far away, and now, 20 years later, lives a pretty good, if tame, life.

So yeah. That sort of thing can happen.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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It wasnt your fault, and at least you cared. My mother was hit by a pickup truck and they tried to sue her for damages to their car. She had 18 surgeries within 2 years on her leg. We also found out that the people that hit her went and got drunk and bad mouthed her right after. You should not feel bad, but you will because you care.

[–]fatalie 2 points3 points ago

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One night a couple cars in front of mine on the highway, struck a woman. I almost ran over her body as she laid in the road. It was the the scariest moment of my life, and the thought of it still haunts me. I later found out she had died. And I still think about how things would have been if I had hit her.. and I didn't even, I just came close.

I feel for you.

[–]wellifitisnt 44 points45 points ago

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I remember learning a while back that accidents where the driver was not at fault/had none to little control over how the accident happen fare far worse than drivers who were at fault. There's supposedly an overwhelming feeling that life altering shit can happen at any time and that you have no ability to stop it. I'm sure you can speak to that a helluva lot more than me.

Driver's who are at fault have to live with a feeling of guilt but they know exactly what they did wrong and how not to do it again if they so choose. Makes sense.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points ago

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Driver's who are at fault have to live with a feeling of guilt but they know exactly what they did wrong and how not to do it again if they so choose. Makes sense.

There's also that it's...you expect a punishment that you never receive. You've done something wrong. You've caused harm to another person. With people who are charged, when they get out- however long or short the punishment was- they can at least say "I've done my time. It's in the past. I've paid for my crime." When you aren't punished, it has the chance to linger.

When I was eleven I accidentally killed my teacher's pet rabbit. I didn't do it on purpose or out of cruelty, and it was something that shouldn't have done so to a healthy rabbit (basically I hugged it to death, wanting 'cute little rabbit affection') so nobody punished me. The teacher didn't care and accepted my apologies without even letting me explain, and my family brushed it off and said it wasn't my fault.

The feelings that haunt someone unpunished for hurting a person by accident are like the feelings I have when I'm the only one who gives a shit about accidentally killing an innocent animal.

We need that closure, even if it's painful.

[–]FMITAP 2 points3 points ago

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I can confirm this. It's tough. There's always the what if's... Like, what if I wasn't going so fast? Would I have seen them? Would I have been able to swerve faster? What if I was just a few seconds later? Could the whole thing have been avoided? I mean, eventually I got to the point where I understand what happened, and there's nothing I could do about it. But, to say that this realization makes anything any better would be a lie.

[–]diuge 2 points3 points ago

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That was mentioned on an episode of This American Life along with a lot of stories about people who'd accidentally killed others.

[–]abascas[S] 19 points20 points ago

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thank you

[–]abascas[S] 11 points12 points ago

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did you try to get professional help for it?

[–]FMITAP 28 points29 points ago

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I didn't. I thought I might need it, but I never went through with it. It eventually got better with time. Am I the same man I was before? Hell no. Am I a better person after the fact? You're damn right. It's our trials and tribulations that make us who we are. And the fact that you're so broken up about your incident shows what kind of person you are. If you feel it's too much for you to handle, by all means go to a therapist. It helps to talk about it. Luckily, I had family and friends that were supportive enough to get me through it. But, sometimes that just isn't enough...

[–]parallelpolygon 327 points328 points ago

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well, you need to see the facts.

  • The kid is pobably still alive. That if anything should help you get better.

  • You didn't see the kid. There was no way for you to see the kid, and the cops agree that it wasn't possible for you to see the kid.

  • You need to go to a therapist. Find a good therapist. One who is nice, who understands, and one who specializes in post traumatic stress. This is the most important part. Reddit alone can not help you, but a therapist might be able to.

Good luck my good sir, you sound like you are hurting. Everything will get better, just give it time.

[–]abascas[S] 25 points26 points ago

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Thank you for this.

[–]Bizzarobatman 2 points3 points ago

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i dont know if this will help but i have a 2 year old, she is crazy fast for how short she is. if she every got hit by a car the only person i could blame would be myself for letting her get that far away from me unsupervised. you should find out if the kid is alive also. i know that finding out that they're not would crush you, but i think going the rest of your life not knowing would do the almost the same amount of damage.

[–]t333b 82 points83 points ago

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I entirely agree, and would only add one thing.

  • There's nothing you can do to change it, so dwelling on it really serves no purpose other than to make you miserable.

[–]armaniac 44 points45 points ago

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He has nightmares about it all the time. I really don't think that advice would help. Apologies for being so blunt but it just seemed like a pointless suggestion from the OP's perspective. This is a part of him. It needs to be dealt with and not just suppressed until it turns into a real nightmare.

[–]spriggig 177 points178 points ago

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Seems like you'd want to know the condition of the kid. Facts, whatever they are, help--otherwise the speculation will be with you forever.

[–]Frankfusion 39 points40 points ago

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Since this was his parents neighborhood, you'd think they would have said something.

[–]abascas[S] 49 points50 points ago

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the family was foreign and the neighborhood is huge, I'm not certain that the child lived there, even.

[–]chimmi 15 points16 points ago

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I definitely agree that you should do a follow-up on this family. Especially for yourself so that you have the facts as to the child's condition, but to also show your remorse to the family. This will offer closure to both you and them, hopefully.

[–]abascas[S] 48 points49 points ago

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I think you're right. I need to know how he's doing eventually. It's hard for me to bring myself to do that, though.

[–]emkayL 21 points22 points ago

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Knowing the facts is always better. If it isn't a fact you want to hear you can accept it and deal with that realization rather than living not knowing.

[–]ImJustAnotherGirl 8 points9 points ago

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Yes, you need to find that out ASAP. When I was a kid, my 5 year old sister got run over and killed by our school bus.

If the child is alive - than all is well. At 18 months old, he won't remember it. His parents should consider themselves lucky they still have their child. And who knows; maybe you saved him from an even worse situation since obviously his parents didn't have a close eye on him - I'm guessing from now on they will be MUCH more careful.

[–]Shaper_pmp 27 points28 points ago*

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I watched them drag a lifeless body from the side of the road onto the grass... A small innocent child is lying in the grass. He is not breathing. My girlfriend is kneeling over him with her fingers on his neck. She shakes her head and looks up at me.

I'm pretty sure from his story that the kid is dead.

Edit: My bad - either missed the OP's last line or it was edited in after I posted. Apologies for spreading misinformation.

[–]johsko 33 points34 points ago

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From his story, he doesn't seem quite as sure himself.

I don't know the state of the child to this day -- other than that he is probably alive.

[–]Shaper_pmp 12 points13 points ago

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Sorry - must have missed that (or perhaps it was edited in after I posted). My bad.

[–]Mar311 29 points30 points ago

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Everyone said it, seek counseling. You're having Post Traumatic Stress and you will start to get better if you get counseling and talk to someone.

[–]iamjaygee 30 points31 points ago

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when i was 17, i hit a child(a 10 year old girl)...it was on a 4 lane road,i was in the right lane, when a truck in the left lane slowed down and waved some kids to cross the street.... right as i was coming up behind it. i had no idea there was a kid there and she just ran across infont of the truck without looking just as i was pulling up beside the truck, and i hit that kid really hard. like you, i was deemed not at fault. and like you, the 'what ifs' drove me crazy.

i feel for you buddy, it really sucks.

call your insurance company to find out the condition of the child, talk to the lawyer they assigned to you for advice on visiting the child if you want... i was advised not to have any contact with the child/family in my case. and i respected that.

the fact that you dont know the condition of the child is probably more of a burden on your conscience then the incident itself.

good luck

[–]harrywhite1 23 points24 points ago

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This is why cars should never stop in the middle of a road to be "nice". On the other hand, slow down when visibility is obscured.

[–]Captcha_Imagination 26 points27 points ago

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Sell the car regardless of how much of a financial hit you have to take. It will help you move on.

[–]harrywhite1 6 points7 points ago

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Actually think that is an excellent idea.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Ambivalent_Fanatic 63 points64 points ago

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For God's sake, find out if the kid is alive. This could go a long way towards easing your torment.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

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what if he is dead...

[–][deleted] 60 points61 points ago

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It'd be closure, at least. Might be a stepping stone.

[–]Ambivalent_Fanatic 14 points15 points ago

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He said above he's pretty sure he's alive. I think it's entirely possible the kid is fine and is going to live a long and healthy life, and this guy does not have to spend the rest of his own life beating himself up over it. He could find it, or he can live in fear and self-loathing until the day he dies. It's up to him.

[–]Cerevus 4 points5 points ago

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I think id rather know.

[–]WillieR 16 points17 points ago

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Read "Half a Life" by Darin Strauss. Great book about a high school senior who accidentally hits a classmate while driving.

[–]maimonides 18 points19 points ago

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I was going to mention this. I accidentally killed someone with my car my senior year of high school. When I read it, I was hoping to experience a cathartic sort of awakening, that perhaps it would be like having someone else do all the work for me in coming to terms with the guilt. That didn't happen. But it was tremendously reassuring to read many of my same thoughts on paper. I didn't feel so alone.

[–]ButlerGeorge 57 points58 points ago

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Consult a lawyer before thinking about going to see the child.

[–]johnf420 29 points30 points ago

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I was driving in the lane right next to a truck that hit a drunk guy who stumbled out into traffic last year. The guy died instantly and I had to stop and fill out police statements. Just witnessing it kind of fucked me up for a while.

[–]likewhatalready 11 points12 points ago

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Similar situation for me this past summer. Was waiting at a red light on my way to a concert when an elderly woman crossing in front of my car but across the street was struck by an SUV turning left. When she was hit, it was like slow motion; watching her body arc through the air, her purse and contents flying away from her and into the parking lot, and her head area coming to a crash on the curb. It was downright horrifying. I had nightmares about it for weeks; sometimes I was driving, sometimes I was just watching it again, sometimes the elderly woman was replaced by the girl who I was with when it happened. They were all horrible.

[–]ltjboy03 2 points3 points ago

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I was coming home from the bar a couple years back and was doing about 70 on the freeway when I saw a cement truck about 500 yds ahead - entering the freeway on an onramp - suddenly slam on the brakes and swerve then stop. I pulled up behind it and got out to see what was up and as I approached the front of the truck I saw a body about 20 ft away with brain a head and grey matter splayed across the road.

I worked in news at the time and it turns out the guy had lost everything and decided to commit suicide. I drank a lot that week.

[–]SamuraiZero 39 points40 points ago

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This will probably get buried in all these responses.

I am a fraternal twin -- When I was 4 years old, we were both at a birthday party in the country.

We were doing as normal 4 year olds do. Playing, Riding bikes, etc.

One of the girls that was at this party lived about a quarter of a country block down the road (Less than 1/3 mile).

My brother and her decided to bike to her place -- they weren't wearing helmets.

As they were coming to the crossroads, I remember yelling that there was a car coming -- but they didn't notice. He was speeding quite heavily.

I remember the exact feeling that you had. You described it near perfectly. You can't feel your head or your extremeties (arms, legs, etc) You just kind of run in robot mode. This is how I felt as I watched him get hit and thrown into a telephone pole.

Now -- The reason I say all of this, is to get to the following:

My family and I had a very hard time with this. It took us a long time to forgive the person who was driving the car. In this case, he was being careless, and my brother died on the way to the hospital.

In your case -- You say the child is most likely alive. This is good. Focus on that fact. This childs parents are now going to be much more careful, and so is everyone else who hears about this.

Hitting and nearly killing someone is hard. Seeing it happen is hard. Having it happen to you is even harder.

Put one foot in front of the other and live on. The child is O.K.

His parents will forgive you over time.

You just need to forgive yourself. You WILL replay this in your mind over and over again. If you blame yourself and keep blaming yourself, even though there was no way to see an 18 month old coming from behind a car, you will never get over it.

Move forward, forgive yourself. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS WHAT IFS. What happened has happened. It is what it is.

Forgive yourself. Let this make you a better person and a better driver, and you will be fine.

[–]abascas[S] 11 points12 points ago

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Thanks for sharing your story. That really meant a lot to me.

[–]juturnaamo 66 points67 points ago

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How old was this kid? There were no adults out? None of the other 4 kids did anything to alert you 'hey, there's a kid under your wheel'?

This wasn't your fault. These things happen when children are left unsupervised. If anyone should feel guilty, its his parents.

Some people I know who have suffered PTSD have had luck with medication. You should probably be seeing a psychologist.

[–]rcg90 28 points29 points ago

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Disagree with bastawhiz. Definitely see a psychologist first. Psychologists will talk with you and help you learn to dissect your feelings. It is an over generalization on my part; but, psychiatrists tend to diagnose and prescribe meds whereas meds may not be even close to what you need. A good psychologist will refer you as needed to a medical doctor if he or she feels meds would be beneficial to you. I am sorry that the whole thing happened to you and everyone involved.

[–]chopitychopchop 10 points11 points ago

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Therapy AND meds are extremely helpful together and psychiatrists can manage both. Meds can help cope with the anxiety, memories and fear associated with PTSD/experiencing a trauma and therapy can help with the self blame and moving on. Both therapy and meds are helpful, but in different ways.

[–]abascas[S] 26 points27 points ago

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The child was 18 months old. The other children were 4 to 10 years old. This was at 5pm and there were no adults present.

[–]Jeffgoldbum 151 points152 points ago

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Well if anyones to blame, its the parents who let a 18 month old baby outside alone with no adults around.

[–]ArrMart 67 points68 points ago

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My thoughts exactly when reading this.. If you let an 18 month old baby wander around, in the street no less, the parents are to blame, not the driver.. Exactly how would you be able to notice a child who crawls out from behind a car when you're in an elevated position surrounded by the car's frame which further obstructs your vision?

[–]cloneciel 46 points47 points ago

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Heck, I would bump into him while WALKING if a kid was coming from behind a car. A 18months old should NEVER be let ANYWHERE near a street, period!

[–]flyguysd 2 points3 points ago

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Exactly. If it wasn't you, then it very likely could have been someone else.

[–]jeniChaCha 14 points15 points ago

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Being a mom of two boys, that's the first thing I thought about. Basically at that age a parent's job is to be there ALWAYS to prevent something bad from happening. There is no way I would ever leave my baby (who probably could barely walk) alone with other children to watch him. It's very unfortunate but you did what you could to be responsible in this situation all because his parents weren't responsible enough to watch their baby.

[–]RobotCowboy 22 points23 points ago

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I'm confused... how did you hit a kid if you came to a complete stop and then were slowly moving forward?

[–]Fat_Kid_Hot_4_U 8 points9 points ago

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the kid crawled under his car after he stopped

[–]mspazz 4 points5 points ago

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He saw kids in the road and stopped. When they moved out of the way, he proceeded forward, then the kids runs out and gets smoked.

[–]ramp_tram 19 points20 points ago

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He was 18 months old.

Who the fuck leaves an 18 month old unsupervised near a road?

In a perfect world the parents would have gotten charged with child neglect.

[–]abascas[S] 21 points22 points ago

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actually, my dad threatened to do this if they brought litigation.

[–]LesMisIsRelevant 10 points11 points ago*

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If you reside in Northern Europe, try to get MDMA assisted therapy. Do not take me for a troll, I only wish you the best.

Http://www.maps.org/research/mdma/

[–]itsgonnabefun 10 points11 points ago

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I hit a kid with my car several years ago. She and her dad were about to cross the street to a bus stop, I slowed down, Dad stopped, little girl ran into the street. I hit her with my driver side mirror. I drove them both to the hospital.
I was sick over it for a long time. But knowing that she was ok (only a broken collar bone and some road rash) and talking with someone about it helped. I saw them when the girl was about 10 (she was 6 when I hit her) and the parents remembered me, but she didn't. She did remember breaking her collar bone and then that her parents let her eat ice cream for a week.

[–]kwassa1 25 points26 points ago

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I would be careful discussing the incident. Although you haven't been charged with a crime, it doesn't mean you won't be. And it doesn't mean you won't be sued. If you are, anything you say (this thread) could be discoverable. Just be careful, and consider a meeting with an attorney, to be on the safe side.

[–]MaeveningErnsmau 11 points12 points ago

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I mentioned this elsewhere in the thread, but this is all great material for the family of the child for a civil case. It's like a response to an unsent interrogatory. OP has even provided the exact location of the accident, making it incontrovertible that this corresponds to that accident.

[–]amazingtaters 4 points5 points ago

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Seriously, OP should delete this an never talk about it on the internet, or really in any communication beyond speech that isn't protected by attorney-client or doctor-patient privilege.

[–]dev_random 9 points10 points ago

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OP, I really hope you read this. I was you. Not exactly, I didn't hit a child, but I know what you're going through. I was driving an old toyota pickup (the generation that was pretty big stock, and I had slightly oversized tires.) I was heading off to class during winter term. My girlfriend(now wife) stayed home sick, so my mind was on her. I pull up to the stop sign at the end of my road, waiting to turn right onto a 4 lane through street. I was looking left waiting for traffic to clear that way. It finally did. I glance to the right to see where I'm going as I begin to slowly accelerate. I felt an odd bump. Nothing terribly unusual, Portland's roads in that area aren't the best. As I'm about 200 feet down the road, I look in my rear view mirror. A bottle of water spilled over the dry pavement, and a middle aged woman crawling on all fours to the side of the road. I hit the brakes, shift to reverse, and gun it back. Just like you, I don't remember talking, I remember hearing myself talk. "are you okay?" "Do you need me to call 911?" Her words still hover over me. "How did you not see me? I was right in front of you."

She was (mostly) okay, from what I understand. She slid under the truck and all 4 tires missed her. A couple of broken bones and some scrapes were all that the hospital treated her for. The cop came to my house after visiting her in the hospital and his parting words were to the effect of "good luck. You'll need it." The accident was deemed to be my fault, though just barely. Apparently, while I was looking left, she began to cross. As I looked right, I blinked. Just enough time to completely miss the fact that there was a woman directly in front of me. No charges were filed since she technically didn't acknowledge that I saw her before she started to go. She sued me for everything I was worth(several dozen times that amount, actually). At the depositions, she claimed every single disease and ailment that are only proven by exclusion. Tinnitus. TMJ. A half dozen others I don't remember. She claimed mental anguish -- the xbox version of "frogger" had just come out and her nephew was playing it -- apparently she had a nervous breakdown after seeing the game. Nuts doesn't begin to describe this lady. I never found out what she got, but it was less than the quarter mil in insurance I was carrying.

To this day every time I hit a bump in the road that I didn't see coming, I wince. I take an extra long look in my rear view mirror, making sure there's no-one back there.

[–][deleted] ago

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[–]TheJizzle 22 points23 points ago

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Listen, an 18 month old should not be playing in the fuckin street. For that matter, neither should 4 or even 10 year olds.

Where were you driving, through Narnia?

[–]abascas[S] 11 points12 points ago

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The suburbs, man.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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Technically no one should be playing in the street.

[–]skrangeo 11 points12 points ago

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I'm going to assume you're not a parent

As a parent myself, I can't put any fault on you. I mean, REALLY, an 18 month old? I have a 5 yr old and I make her hold my hands when we're doing things like walking through a parking lot, near a street, etc. The LAST thing I would ever do is to allow my 5 yr old unsupervised near a street, let alone a toddler.

Kid's have ZERO concept of danger. The thought of a parent not being within a few FEET of their toddler (18 months old is barely a toddler, more like a big baby) in a setting with a street and cars is LUDICROUS.

In the end, the lack of parenting is what created this situation.

[–]TheSiwentKiwwah 4 points5 points ago

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I was in an accident several years ago which was not in the least my fault, but I think I killed a teenage girl. I was perfectly fine, but she and her friend were both really hurt. They had to Lifestar (helicopter) them to the hospital, where I am pretty sure one of them died and I know for sure the other was paralyzed. I wonder pretty frequently what happened to the first girl, and even though it wasn't my fault, it still feels terrible to think that I may have been responsible for the loss of the life of someone so young.

A few months ago, I tried looking for old newspaper articles online to find out what happened to her, but despite knowing where the girls went to school and obviously knowing where the accident occurred, I wasn't able to find anything...I think because it was so long ago (2004). My point is, you're never going to get over not knowing what happened to that kid, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be to find out. You may feel terrible; you may feel relieved--but I think it would help to know for sure. It would help me, anyway.

[–]SgtFiddlestixx 4 points5 points ago

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I'd like to mention to all the posts saying plainly "seek therapy". Sometimes it isn't that easy. Not just psychologically for some, but financially. You aren't always given the right to a therapist, even in these situations.

I have a right to a therapist basically whenever I want due to suicide attempts [cries for help] and cutting for many years. But when you can't see the scars somebody holds, a lot of people simply assume they aren't there.

Are you able to afford therapy? Was it awarded to you due to your circumstances? If not you may want to speak to a doctor, or even call the non-emergency police line and ask them how you would go about seeking a therapist after something so traumatic. I suggest police because where I live, they give you information like this after being involved with the cases. I suggest doctor because sometimes they can know who to call next, even if they weren't a part of your situation.

A therapist IS your best option. Nobody, other than somebody who's been in a situation similar and worked through it, will be able to give you the proper coping words you need to help heal through this time.

If you cannot afford therapy, tell us... Reddit seems to be great at throwing money to those who need it.

If that doesn't work, look into group therapy. It's often free, if not cheap, and you should be able to find something suiting to your needs.

Do NOT run away from your emotions. Don't mask it with drinking, smoking or drugs. No amount of any of the previously stated will make your pain go away. It will only push it down to your toes... and when that pain decides to resurface, it will be much, much worse than when you shoved it down in the first place.

Good luck and I'm so sorry this happened to you and the child... the family. This is obviously effecting you very deeply, so bear in mind you are no monster. Monsters do not feel.

[–]JohnnyWeapon 10 points11 points ago

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Don't know if you'll actually read this, but what in the hell is an 18 month old doing unsupervised anywhere NEAR a road?! My God, man. I have an 18 month old. He's big for his age, but small compared to, say, a 4-10 year old. And I sure as shit would never let him anywhere near a road, even if I was five feet away.

Your story kind of reminds me of when suicidal people walk into traffic. Fuck them for placing that kind of guilt into an innocent party's life. So fuck the parent that put this into your life.

Your story makes me sad, no doubt. And I can't say that I wouldn't have the exact same feelings that you have. But at some point you have to stop the "what if" scenarios and live in the real world... live in the facts. You were not at fault. You are not to blame. To some measure this will, of course, be with you forever. Don't let it define you. You don't deserve the guilt that you feel.

[–]BigNikiStyle 28 points29 points ago

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Try therapy. You could also start an education fund for the kid. Earning interest for, depending on his age, a decade or more could become significant. Give it to his parents to help the kid go to school. As just the smallest token of your heartbreak over what happened. Not for forgiveness necessarily but as a token gesture.

[–]brilliantjoe 38 points39 points ago

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Probably not the best idea since an education fund could be seen as an admission of guilt that could be later used in a lawsuit against the driver.

[–]fahadsadah 23 points24 points ago

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I... that's the most fucked up thing I've read all week

Using a positive gesture, from someone who clearly isn't a bad person, to sue them?!

[–]deliciousfishes 43 points44 points ago

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Welcome to America

[–]Fhajad 2 points3 points ago

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It's suspicious to say the least. After everything is cleared up, go ahead and do it. But from a legal standpoint, if the parents lawyered up they could've had him easily.

[–]mariposa28 7 points8 points ago

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This is probably anecdotal, but my 13 year old cousin was recently hit by a car after he accidentally stepped too far into the median. Similar situation, he was with his friends, and it was in no way the drivers fault. Now, I can't speak for the family of the child you hit, but I can say that coming from a very large, close family who has undergone something very similar, I (nor do the rest of my family) blame the driver at all. I felt tremendously relieved that the driver pulled over and did not flee the scene and did what he could to help and face responsibility. Furthermore, I feel for the driver as well, because I know he must feel terrible for what he did. I can't talk to him, so I will tell you that you did what you could, and you should forgive yourself. Also, if you cannot over come your guilt, perhaps consider making an anonymous donation to the family, as I know hospital bills are quite expensive and add up, or volunteer to work with children in need. hug

[–]T2AmR 3 points4 points ago

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Remember this... The degree and the amount of time you beat yourself up over this has no bearing on your character. If you don't let it get to you, it doesn't make you a bad person. It's OK to forgive yourself and live your life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtkST5-ZFHw :)

[–]tommunism 3 points4 points ago

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I've seen two kids from my neighborhood, my younger cousin's friends, lie dying on the side of the road because some drunk and hateful kkk member didn't care whether they were being dragged by his truck. This isn't you. You showed you care by stopping and calling for help. Now get help for yourself.

[–]canuckalert 2 points3 points ago

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When I was 19 I hit a kid with my car. I lived in a small town, 5000 people at the time. The kids mom was on one side of the street, the kid on the other. The mom calls the kid over. I couldn't stop in time. By the time I got out of my car the mom was holding the kid. She stood with him and yelled at me to take them to the hospital. They got into the car as well as a nurse and we sped off. Worst day ever. The kid was fine other than bumps and scratches.

I think that the nightmares would have been worse and stayed for me but they didn't last long. Maybe knowing the kid was ok was the key for me. That gut wrenching feeling will go away but you need some closer. I would say ask the case officer if the kids ok. It may help you.

[–]iamadubstepremix 3 points4 points ago

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New Year's Eve 2009 going into 2010, a drunk driver hit my best friend and I, watched my best friend's body fly out of the car, then watched me stare at him as he backed up and drove away. My best friend died and he served 15 months.

The fact you feel any remorse is a good sign. Do what you can to help anyone who was there, and for the love of god apologize to the family.

[–]HappyKafir 4 points5 points ago

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I can't agree with the top post LindLTailor enough, seek counseling. I say this from two perspectives, neither of which hits as hard or directly as yours, but I have had counseling and have had a indirect part in a human death.

More than half a lifetime ago I committed some armed robberies. Counseling taught me what the cause was. It wasn't anything magical as a process, but the results were very liberating for me in self-understanding. For you, it may be simply in the nature of humanity that accidents will happen. Even when they are terribly tragic, sometimes they are simply a result of us being human whether it's from the child's actions or your inability to see. Talk it out, it's critical to moving forward.

I erected a tower crane that collapsed in 2006 and killed an innocent man younger than I in his own home. I recognized the problem. I reported the problem. I explained the nature of the problem. An engineer disagreed with me. Two months later, Matthew Ammon was dead. I lost sleep. I changed my industry from a regulatory position. But you never forget. You have to sit with someone to talk about this. You have to learn to understand that you are not in control of all things around you at all times.

I guess as a third thought, I've been hit by a car while out running. Both my dog an I. Things are moving around us quickly. There is a lot to take in when you are in the seat. A child moving erratically or at a height so low that they can't be seen, these are things that they need to take responsibility for but unfortunately they may not understand that or simply forget.

I've watched a woman die as well due to a "cardiac event". She had a pulse right up until the paramedics were arriving. These are events that we need to talk to people about. Professional people who see this daily. You need to get this off of your chest. Reddit is simply the first call for help. Answer it with counseling. It's normal. It's healthy. You are an empathic being for caring. Allow someone to help you channel it and understand it. Good luck man. If you ever need an ear...

[–]mayflowers5 6 points7 points ago

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It is horribly tragic what happened to the boy (obviously it wasn't the kids fault, he was only 18 months old), but neither was it your fault. Without sounding too douchey, it was the negligence of the mother that that put the child in that situation. Seriously what kind of parent lets their 1 and a half year old play outside, without her supervision, near a road? Most children under 4 don't know any better to not run into the street, and it's a parents job to watch them carefully near any road. Period. There is no way you could have seen the child. I know from experience that when they shoot out from behind a car, they don't stand tall enough off the ground to see much, if any of them (especially if they are that young). I know its hard not to feel guilty, but you did everything right in that situation. Stay strong.

[–]retracgib 10 points11 points ago*

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My cousin hit a kid on a bike and killed him. OP's story is sad and well written, but in my opinion it has a happy ending. I don't understand why you don't know if the kid is alive or not for sure...might want to find that out. But yea, get some professional help, because you are wiggin out man.

*Edited to avoid confusion, my cousin's story is not happy at all. It's very sad.

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[deleted]

[–]drewleathers 6 points7 points ago

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Unfortunately you have probably developed a conditioned emotional response, (ask pavlov's dog) similar to PTSD for vet's. If you want to reduce the hold that it has on your life, you will have to actively work towards negating that response. Therapy is probably your best choice, and being aware that you don't choose your emotions, but you can influence them.

[–]notaprettygirl 2 points3 points ago

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I agree with your response, but want to add that PTSD isn't a condition that's solely diagnosed in veterans. Anyone who has had a traumatic experience of any sort is at risk of developing PTSD, and I think it's likely that the OP here has it. Therapy is a good idea.

[–]HaveaManhattan 8 points9 points ago

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Few things:

1) Find out the state of the child. You are afraid of it. Face that fear. If you see the kid running around you'll probably feel better. If he is dead or disabled, you already were thinking he was. (And how is it even possible to not know? I imagine it would come up in court.)

2) You have to get over it. Here are the cold facts - kids get hit by cars accidentally. Someone, somewhere is going to be driving it. It happened to be you. Random chance can be a bitch. The what ifs are your choice to ask, and do nothing but trick your brain into reliving it. This is because our brains are wired to relive stuff like this so we don't do it again and live through the next lion attack. I bet you back out real careful now, right? I also bet those other kids watch out for cars a lot more. It takes an act of willpower to stop it and close that door.

3) Give a quick double tap on the horn when exiting a parking space in reverse.

4) Why is the writing so stylized? Short, clipped sentences, the repetition of 'I remember'. It reads like a creative piece.

[–]dancing_raptor_jesus 2 points3 points ago

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Find out about the health of the child. That will take much of the mental strain of your shoulders.

[–]name99 2 points3 points ago

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I finally got to the end of that story and... wait what?? He's alive?

Get a hold on your emotions man. You're basically trying your best to ruin your own life now, in your mind I'm guessing you think it's what you deserve. Let me be the one to tell you that that's fucking stupid.

Even if he died when your tire rolled over his stomach, it's OVER. IT ALREADY HAPPENED. NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT. You're the one allowing your emotions to turn something bad into something that continues to negatively effect yourself and everyone close to you.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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Have you checked up on the kid? Why don't you go visit him and his parents to see how they're doing. A straight forward appology'll do you some good. Get better dude.

[–]Epicman 2 points3 points ago

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Dude, if anyone should feel shit it the parent of that/those kid/s.

Seriously, they let a kid, 1 1/2 years old out to play near the street with nothing but a bunch of young kids to watch them? SERIOUSLY?!

The little boy ran from behind a car, few of would have the reaction time to avoid a catastrophe.

But it really isn't your fault. It is the shitty parent's fault.

REally this shows what a kind and heartfelt person you are. That even when all things point to it NOT being your fault, you still feel so guilty.

I can only hope the parents of the child have talked with you and discussed how this was a freak chance accident(albeit put in motion by them) that you happened to be involved in.

[–]TeresaFr 2 points3 points ago

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Ok, maybe this is a little bit late and will get buried in the comments but SEEK THERAPY NOW. I cannot stress this enough.

I have PTSD, and it seems to me you're exhibiting some of the same symptoms I had/have. I'm not a psychiatrist and don't really know your symptoms, but a meeting with someone who knows about it can only help. Nightmares are a good sign (that's a tough one to learn); it means you're processing what happened subconsciously.

If you have flashbacks (reliving it, seeing or hearing or anything else in a very specific way (like you're here and there at the same time)) or panick attacks or hypervigilance or mood changes or that weird feeling of crawling out of your skin, it may be PTSD. There's a lot of other symptoms, and they're not fun either, and they may appear at any moment. Notice, feeling detached is also a sign of PTSD. I felt like that for months, like I had no feelings at all. This is not a good sign.

Now, most people exhibit PTSD symptoms for some time after specific traumatic events and then it kinda goes away. But in many cases, it does not, and you get stuck with it for years. If you don't seek help it as soon as possible, it may be harder to get rid of it later. Truth is, nobody has the emotional ability to deal with what you're dealing right now, and you need help from someone who knows how to help you and knows how to deal with this stuff. Also, you may be offered some medication, in which case I'd recommend taking it with extreme care or not at all. I'm taking Clonazepam and Zoloft, and they're hard to deal with.

Please get help. I regret not doing it earlier. It'll save you and the ones you love a lot of suffering.

[–]GaryOak37 2 points3 points ago

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wasn't your fault dude

[–]bobbyblack 5 points6 points ago

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That's a tough situation. I caused a dear friend to get killed and leave her 2 and 6 year old motherless. I do my best to honor her, enjoy life, and let myself smile when i can. Time doesn't heal all things, but it does allow you to move forward an inch at a time. Accidents happen. You didn't do anything on purpose, or horribly irresponsible. Just breathe, live, laugh and love. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

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My cousin used to be in this Menudo cover band back in the day when Menudo was popular. (This was in Mexico). He was driving back home after a tour and was super tired and should not have been driving, probably. Next thing you know he hits something, blood everywhere. He gets out and sees he has hit a man. Although he was in the middle of nowhere, there are still many indigenous tribes that live in villages in rural areas and the man most likely was a member of one of those tribes, judging by how he was dressed, etc. My cousin freaks when he realizes the man is most likely dead and hightails is back home. When he gets there he calls my dad, confesses everything and asks him for advice. (My dad is a catholic priest.) My dad tells him to take his car to get cleaned, lay low and try to forget about it. My cousin would have most likely been prosecuted and my dad's reasoning was that one life was already over, no need to make it two. My cousin was tormented for years over it, as the man most likely had a family that was now without a breadwinner. He wanted to find the family and maybe send money anonymously but my dad forbade him to. It's been more than 30 years and I don't think my cousin ever got over it. I know he had nightmares for years. I think maybe if he would have been able to find the family he would have had closure, but who knows. Maybe if you try and find out how the child is, it might help. Maybe seeing him healthy and ok will provide you with some sort of comfort. Anyway, I'm sorry you are having a hard time, and though this is something you will always carry with you, hopefully you will get through it.

[–]Ambivalent_Fanatic 17 points18 points ago

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(My dad is a catholic priest.)

Sorry... I'm having a disconnect here. can you explain this?

[–]hugh-spaz 4 points5 points ago

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Don't know about his personal situation but protestant ministers who have wives and kids, will sometimes convert to catholicism, and sometimes they can get ordained as a priest. Its one of a few small loopholes. (just for clarification, I know the following because I was raised catholic, and one of the priests at our church was married. I'm an atheist now however.)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

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[–]Feb17Sucks 11 points12 points ago

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Between having sex resulting in an illegitimate child, and advising someone who killed someone else to lay low and not turn himself in to the proper authorities, I think I can say that your dad is without a doubt the worst priest ever (who doesn't have a decades-long history of molesting young boys).

[–]MoJoe1 8 points9 points ago

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You will never forget the expirience, but it will get easier to deal with (or you get more numb to it) as time goes on. Therapy is good, to a point, and that point is when you are gaining nothing from it and just rehashing the expirience more and more to remember it longer and longer.

Here's some tips for you:

1) There was a "This American Life" episode last year, forget which one it was, of someone who had a similar expirience. As a father who lost a daughter to suffocation hearing it had a big impact on me, even though my daughter did not die the same way and there was no third party involved. It could prove to show you the perspective of someone who did something similar and help ease the pain a little.

2) Each time you find yourself thinking about it, focus on one key thing: how quickly you picked up the phone to call for help, and everything you did to try to help. The more you doubt, the more you will doubt, and the deeper down the spiral you go. Make a pact with yourself not to blame yourself or others, not even the kid, and that you were thrust into a bad situation by fate and tried to make the best of it in the moment. For that you could be called a hero.

3) DO NOT try to contact parents. If you go to the funeral, stay in the back, go up only to lay flowers on the casket (or by the urn, whatever), then return to the back (go ahead and cry, but don't make it a big scene). If they need you after that they will find you. If they do contact you and lay a bunch of shit on you in violation of my rule #2, don't take it on, sympathize with their loss, tell them you feel bad it happened, but there was no way you could have stopped it in that moment and you did everything you could to help after it happened. If they give you their forgiveness (even though you don't really need any), take it graciously, but privately take it with a grain of salt as they can change their mind depending on how bad it is for them to deal with that day.

4) The nightmares are good. They are your own fears trying to cope. Don't take them seriously, don't live in fear, but think of it as excersize of emotional muscles. They are sore right now, but soon you'll grow strong and the nightmares will turn into dreams of power where you potentially take on a protector role, and that kid you ran over is one you are trying to protect. Let your focus be on that relationship in your dreams, and not the fact that you failed once. You failed so you could become the protector, not the other way around.

5) Breathe. Cry. Have a drink in his honor each time you feel his "ghost" haunting you. Honor him how you would want others to honor you if you died. Take responsibility but not blame. It is now your duty to carry his remembrance. Find organizations that try to enforce no-speeding zones in residential neighborhoods and donate in his name, or become spokesman on his behalf, or volunteer for them to take donation jars to various stores. I did this after my daughter died for SIDS research and it made me feel like I was doing something in an otherwise helpless situation, it won't solve all your problems but it will help.

6) Surround yourself with positive people willing to be a support for you. Some days will be worse then others, your girlfriend might be able to help you but she has her own thing going on and is too attached. Make sure you have some good friends that know you, know the situation, and can help you get through those tough days when you need it.

Good luck friend, my condolences and sympathy for having to go through that. If you believe in fate, then this was meant to be, and anything meant to be must have a reason. Find it and use that reason for the betterment of mankind.