Newly single me was checking out a group of girls when my dad said, "Go for the one wearing white shorts, you know she's not on her period." Whats the best/funniest advice you have received from a parent?

slashdotter878 · 1 year

When dad gave me the sex talk, he gave me three "No's" to abide by. No babies, no infections, and no means no. Sound advice, I think.

BlueRaspberry · 1 year

"You gotta trim the bushes. It makes the tree look taller." --My mom

[deleted] · 1 year

I don't know about everyone else, but I'm taking notes to make my (future) children very uncomfortable

izgirwork · 1 year

When I was about 14 or so, my mom and I were in a McDonalds and there was an advertisement for "triple thick milkshakes" on the wall. My mom said "If you find a girl who can drink a triple thick milkshake through a straw, keep her."

BonHary · 1 year

Nervous about a flight dad told me "Don't worry, they haven't left anyone up there yet." followed shortly by, "oh, and sit near the front, you get there faster."

faeryjessa · 1 year

"If a girl ever asks you to help her put a necklace on, you are morally bound to kiss her on the neck."

digitalsmear · 1 year

"Tell her you have three testicles, She'll be more inclined to give a BJ so she can see'em for herself." - My 93 year old Great Grandpa

BingerTime247 · 1 year

My dad on fighting: "People don't like dealing with crazies. So scream like you're crazy and go for the eyes."

Gavinardo · 1 year

When I first began dating girls in high school, my dad told me some advice that was so simple yet so true, time and time again.

He said something along the lines of "Look, you don't need to be intimidated by her dad, when you finally meet him. You don't need to impress him at all. He's a guy, just like you. He likes the same things you like - action movies, burgers, fishing, hunting, NASCAR, titties - all those manly things all other men like. The person you really need to impress is the girl's mother. She's the one who keeps the family happy and healthy. She's the one the girl will turn to for womanly advice. Compliment her on the dinner, on her home-decor, etc, etc. If she likes you, the dad will have to like you. And he already will, because you're a burger-eating, action-movie-watchin', titty-lovin' sonovabitch like he is."

Years later, and after some downright crazy ex's, every set of parents I ever met still consider me a pretty nice guy.

Abbby_M · 1 year

My dad gave me running shoes for my 17th b-day.

"Once you turn 18 they can legally print your name in the paper if you get arrested. I sure as fuck don't want you to defame the family name by getting caught at a high school kegger; you'll take up running now."

ajyablo · 1 year

My step-dad walked in to my room one day and just said "you know- not all gay men have anal sex" then walked away.

Skraeling · 1 year

My dad's a teacher at an alternate school. We were talking about some of his more aggressive students, when he gave me this gem:

"Whenever I hear a kid bickering, I go into the kitchen and make them a grilled cheese sandwich."

"Why?"

"Because how the hell are you going to be mad at the guy who just made you a grilled cheese?"

JaronK · 1 year

My dad's one talk about sex to me was as follows:

"Son, if you're ever going to finger a girl, clean your nails and clip them first. You wouldn't want to give her an infection."

All in all, sound advice, but it came completely out of the blue.

ebosia · 1 year

Hold a woman by the waist and a bottle by the neck and never the other way around. My Grandfather.

I was about 11 when he died and he had been senile for a few years before that. That line always stuck with me.

lalilulelo09 · 1 year

My dad and I were siting out side playing on the front porch, playing with our dog. We were discussing life and all that and soon the discussion lead to women. "Well lalilulelo09, I'll tell you everything I know about women" he then just stood there, turned around and went inside.

Orangebird · 1 year

"Don't get angry. Anger is bad for your health. Get revenge right away, and save yourself a heart attack." --fifth grade geography teacher

Darkone66 · 1 year

You can date or do anything you want with a girl with one exception, I dont want to see you at my work (My mom works in Labor and Delivery.)

NexinYivmiago · 1 year

"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you options." - Uncle

Sgt_KilGore · 1 year

My Father always said "The girls on the ads for Strip Joints, are never the girls IN the Strip Joints"

cranberrysaus · 1 year

On visiting a farm:

"You should date a horseback rider. She already has the motion."

dianeruth · 1 year

"don't shoot up with guys who suck dick for drug money"

Thanks grampa.

smokehaus · 1 year

My father once told me "Son, it does not matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home".

This one has stuck with me through the years.

ArK9 · 1 year

"Grandpa, what do you think about premarital sex?"

"Well, its not premarital sex if you never get married"

Single greatest moment of my life.

EDIT: top comment ever. my grandpa is now 91 years old.

Smells_Too_Good · 1 year

"Dont get her pregnant" - Every time I'd leave the house for ANYTHING.

thegeneralstrike · 1 year

My dad is a very straight laced guy. When I was younger, I was dating some really cute blond idiot. I won a massive scholarship to study overseas, full ride, multiple plane fairs, living stipend, full book/tuition, etc. He sat me down just after I won, and he told me "wear a condom with that one. You're all she has, and if she goes off the pill, she'll do it to fuck you and keep you here." Only sex talk I ever got from my dad. Very terse. Ten seconds.

Kicker? I found out years later that she went off the pill a week after I won the big money, and if it wasn't for him I would have a teenager.

teebah · 1 year

My family and I were watching a horror movie with my sick grandpa once. In the movie, a rape was somehow involved and as it happened, he looked right at me and said, "If someone is trying to rape you, just yell 'I HAVE HIV!' No one wants to contract that shit. Unless they have it. Then at least you would know."

ninja8ball · 1 year

If you wouldn't put your tongue in it, don't put your dick in it.

Hazlzz · 1 year

When I went off to college in the US, my Norwegian father told me "you're an adult, and I have no problem with you drinking in the US, even if it's illegal there. Just don't get caught, and don't you dare start liking Budweiser."

I made it safely to 21 without breaking either rule.

[deleted] · 1 year

Yes grandson that girl is quite pretty, but she has thin little bird lips. What really want is this waitress that's been keeping my scotch full. She's got really big full lips. I can't tell you why, but trust me.

bobaimee · 1 year

"You know what they say sweetie, no friction no fire!"

I WAS TWELVE, MOTHER.

ExecutionAngel · 1 year

My Dad before my first school dance after I turned 16 - "If you can't be good, be good at it."

ShameSpear · 1 year

Me to my Doctor father: "Hey dad, do you think her tits are real?" Dad: "Can you touch them? If so, then they're real."

deathofthesun · 1 year

My dad's two-step guide to preparing me for college was having me watch "Animal House," followed by this bit of advice:

"Son, you're bigger than most kids, so you'll have a higher alcohol tolerance than them."

which_tab · 1 year

"Never be worth more to your wife dead than alive" Friend's dad

rohirrim · 1 year

My dad says "keep your phone open and your legs closed" every time I leave the house.

Jiveturkeey · 1 year

"Son, when I was in college there were two STD's, and both of them were treatable with antibiotics. Today, there are over six hundred STD's...and 2 of them are treatable with antibiotics. Enjoy college."

The last thing Mom said to me on move-in day.

audiob1ood · 1 year

I moved my bed 90 degrees, so now if I'm lying in bed and look straight ahead, I'd be looking at my closet, which has mirror doors. My dad walked in and said "Oh, I like this better. It makes your room seem bigger. pause Oh, and bonus! Now you can look in the mirror and watch when you fuck!"

zushini · 1 year

Pussy, you can find anywhere. Brains, you need to work for.

Malhavoc430 · 1 year

Tie between the following statements made by friends' dads.

Scene: Breakfast at my friend's house. Giant plate of bacon on the table.

Dad: Bacon - the second greatest tasting thing on earth.

Me: What's first?

Dad: I'll tell you when you're older.

or

Scene: Water balloon fight at friend's house. His sister just hit me with a few big water balloons. I was trying to fill up some new ammo.

Dad: Don't retaliate - escalate. starts filling up a pitcher of water

thatjamaicandude · 1 year

Dads advice on saving money in uni: Small cars, Small apartments, Small girlfriends

DrRocksoo · 1 year

Right after graduating college, I was playing in a band and looking for a job. My grandfather told me "get a job on a cruise ship playing guitar. I bet you get tons of pussy". This was the first time I had ever heard him swear.

He called me the next day and said "forget about what I said yesterday". I assumed he was referring to using the word pussy. I told him no problem, and he said "could you imagine?! Being stuck on a boat with all your ex's?! Pussy isn't worth it."

jrbiggs06 · 1 year

"Remember...women want to be treated like ladies and fucked like whores..." said my mom as i was leaving with my very catholic girlfriend of 16 at the time...

wesley830 · 1 year

"All women are bitches. "

"Even you mom?"

"Even me son."

bukelley · 1 year

Dad: "You going to your girlfriend's place?"

Me: "Yeah."

Dad: "Wrap your meat or it will go bad."

Rubin0 · 1 year

"Rubin0, who is THAT girl. You should talk to her. Look at that body!"

"But dad, her face."

"...So?"

Havage · 1 year

Me: "Dad I want a tattoo!" (I braced myself for his arguments)

Dad (serious expression): "Son, lets say you were being pursued by an organization or person that were attempting to track you down and kill you, do you really want to have marks on your body that can be used to identify you?"

Me (Dumbstruck): "Ummm... no."

st3dav · 1 year

Dad: "Take the one with the ass. Fake tits are getting better every year, but you can't fake a great ass."

lenrriquevalencia · 1 year

There was a billboard that said "My son is 13. How do I talk to him about alcohol?" My dad replied "it's easy, you show him a beer and then say 'see this? This is really good when it's cold.'"

[deleted] · 1 year

Something my dad told me once that resounds strongly:

"Next time you're on the highway and you get off at a rest stop, look around at the other people at the rest stop with you. Those are the other people driving cars around you, going at least 70."

O_O

wittles · 1 year

When I was 5 my oldest brother was 17, and he took me to a bakery and bought me a chocolate pastry, and a big piece of chocolate from the top fell off so I was bummed. He told me "pick it up and eat it. Sometimes you have to eat some dirt because if your insides are too clean, one day a piece of dirt will go in there and kill you! But if your insides are a little bit used to the dirties, they'll know how to fight them off." He is my favorite brother.

kremmy · 1 year

"Don't forget your pumpkin!"

--My developmentally disabled little brother every time I left for school as a kid. In my school district, kindergarten classes got to go to a pumpkin patch on a field trip around halloween and take a baby pumpkin home. He assumed that, being all the way in 3rd grade, I must be going there every day.

ItchyLemon · 1 year

Sex is the most beautiful, natural, and amazing feeling that money can buy.

-Wal Mart check out lady

mollylolly88 · 1 year

In regards to whether or not the hot tub needed to be cleaned my boyfriends dad replied " Don't worry about it, sperm can't survive at that temperature."

Stinkysnarly · 1 year

She may look pretty all made up and dressed to kill but imagine what she looks like in trackers cooking egg and chips. Still like her, go for it

AvalanchedPeach · 1 year

My uber conservative, god fearing grandfather once sat me down at the dinner table to have a talk. I was probably 18 or 19 and in college. This is what he told me:

"Let me tell you a story about this cat. See this cat was trying to get home and had to cross some railroad tracks. The cat looked both ways and didn't see anything coming so he crossed. Right at that moment a train came by and ran over his tail. The cat turned around and saw his tail on the other side. Cat looked both ways and when he thought it was clear he crossed again. Went back across and another train came and ran him over and cut off his head. So whats the moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a piece of tail."

TLDR: Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

blarglznoflo · 1 year

[deleted]

BelgianSexWaffle · 1 year

My college girlfriend and I had just graduated and were getting ready to move to Japan to teach English in the JET Program. In preparation, my father and I went to go get a meal with a business colleague of his who spent a lot of time in Japan for work, and whose wife is Japanese. When he heard I was going with my girlfriend, he said he did the same thing. He then followed up with: "Going to Japan with a girlfriend is like showing up to a party with your own sandwich."

VileContents · 1 year

[deleted]

darien_gap · 1 year

If she shaves her legs before a date, there's a good chance she's anticipating sex. If she doesn't shave her legs, she definitely isn't. If you can manage to see or come up with a cute excuse to touch her calf, you've just gained some important intel about your odds.

SeamusThePirate · 1 year

"NFCOT - No fat chicks on top. Increases your chance of breaking your dick."

My dad, the urologist

Herborist · 1 year

My uncle (who is like a father to me) saw me talking to a girl at a movie theater once, and when I got back he said, "She looks pretty. Need a condom?"

My cousins were there, too, and we all fell down laughing.

QMOW · 1 year

Dad: "Girls like it when you say their name."

Me: "Hey Michelle, I got you this present, Michelle, do you like it Michelle?"

Michelle: "Um...yea, thanks."

Me: "So Michelle, I was wondering, Michelle, do you want to go out with me, Michelle?"

Michelle: "But we're really good friends, I don't want to mess that up!"

Me: "Heh, Michelle, yeah, you're right, Michelle, but listen Michelle, if you ever change your mind, give me a call, Michelle."

QMOW, master of the 8th grade Friend Zone.

MjrJWPowell · 1 year

Not given to me, but to my friend from his grandfather.

'Ain't no such thing as an ugly blowjob.'

Just completely out of nowhere. The subject didn't come up, just something he thought my friend should know.

pseudosara · 1 year

My dad tried to give me a sex talk in 8th grade (I'm a girl). He said girls are like freshly baked cookies. It's better to let guys "smell the cookies" than eat them all and leave satisfied. I guess he was telling me to not be a slut? At any rate I didn't lose my virginity til senior year to someone I really cared about, so maybe it worked. But to this day, my cookie eating habits have been tainted with weird mental pictures. Thanks, Dad.

Edit: It's even weirder with Girl Scout cookies, seeing as you have to wait a whole year to get them.

Oo0o8o0oO · 1 year

Not advice but here goes:

My dad and I were sitting in his car waiting for a light to turn green when a VERY overweight woman begins to cross. She's wearing sandals and it's about 95º outside. He then softly says to me, as if unrelated to the scene:

"You ever see some people... and feel sorry... for their feet?"

rkobo719 · 1 year

Always use a condom, never trust her when she says she's on birth control, that's how your sister happened.

zenmon · 1 year

My dad's advice to me at 6 years old, upon entering the first grade: "Son, if you can't blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

My dad was VP of something very technical and important at Pfizer.

smashingpimp01 · 1 year

The day before I married my Latin wife my dad said To me, "Make sure you use protection because you can't hug a Latina without getting her pregnant."

DownvoteWhilePooping · 1 year

"The first rule of knife fighting: you're going to get cut." -My father

your_dad_liked_it · 1 year

"You can't bluff a drunk."- My pops. It's surprisingly true.

the_ouskull · 1 year

"Son... it don't cost nothing; not one cent, for you to be nice to an ugly girl... and you just might make her day."

I assume it works for fat girls, too, if any of you want to give it a whirl.

darthideous · 1 year

My ultra-conservative religious father, when I was ten: "Here's the birds and the bees. Women are like flowers - all they have to do is sit there and look pretty. Guys are like bees, because they go from flower to flower and choose the one they like best. Girls aren't supposed to fly around from guy to guy."

Angry ten-year-old me: "If girls are flowers then I'm a Venus Fly Trap."

mkultraman · 1 year

"Boy, women fuck like they dance" the most absolute thing I have ever heard about women.

well_clearly · 1 year

"There are girls you marry and there are girls you.. don't marry."

a_rational_one · 1 year

Senior year of high school, I was trying to figure out which University to go to the following year. One of the things I was trying to decide was how far away to go. I was talking it over with my father, when he told me this advice: "You want to go away for college so that there is less inbreeding." More than a bit unexpected.

ciudadcentral · 1 year

After college, my uncle says to me "never marry a good-looking girl." OK. A year later he says to me "never marry a good-looking girl." OK, got it. A year later he says it again, "never marry a good-looking girl." I finally say, why not? He says, if you marry a good-looking girl, she'll leave you and you'll be heartbroken. But if you marry an ugly girl, and she leaves you, oh well.

Spardocus · 1 year

"Don't take your Star Wars posters with you to college if you want to get laid."

edit: I still took my Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite cardboard cutout with me, and I totally got laid.

jpwasson · 1 year

I once had a slight quirrel with my boss at work. Long story short, he was going behind my back and talking about me to my fellow coworkers who were good friends of mine. I went home and talked to my dad about it. Basically told him what happened and that my boss just doesn't have the balls to say anything to me so I will confront him. Dad turns to me and says, "You are right, he doesn't have the balls, so don't give him yours to use. The best advice I've ever had

Edit: I just realized I spelled that wrong. Perks of using swype on my phone. It makes up words. Thanks for the FTFY's

MrApproval · 1 year

"No bitch that leaves you is worth killing yourself over." My dad is a bucket of wisdom that's about to overflow. I still didn't like any girlfriend he ever had. He's still alive though. Smartass motherfucker.

Frat_Bro · 1 year

"You can turn the lights down on ugly, son"

ctheath · 1 year

"You know, it's important to wait until you find the right person... But if you're still a virgin by the time you're in college, you should seriously reflect on what you're trying to hold onto."

Thanks Mom.

mtnsurfer · 1 year

My grandma once sat on the bed in my room at my parents' place and started bouncing on it. She then looked at the mattress (which was a Full) and then said, "How are you supposed to have the sex if your bed is so small? You can barely fit two people on it."

What a wise woman.

123diakos · 1 year

My dad gets things backwards all the time. Most sound advice from him was.

"Listen, you have all the time in the world, life's too short to worry about it"

Also not really advice just a great quote. After my brother's new girlfriend left our house dad says to his face,

"you're not serious are you? She's no oil painting" no, no she wasn't.

Also another fav quote, I used to have a very stupid voice mail msg, that caused him to forget what he was calling about and simply leave. "You're a dickhead mate. A DICK.....HEAD"

sixeightthree · 1 year

When asking my mum recently whether it was too soon to go on a date after my break up she said the following

'The only way to get over a man is to get under another'.

Coming from my Irish Catholic mother, who has only ever been with my father? Totally inappropriate but brillant.

And yeah. I followed it.

[deleted] · 1 year

When I was 13 watching a show about female body builders. My dad turns to me and says: "Son, you never want to date a women that can throw you around the room if she gets mad."

Trapped_in_Reddit · 1 year

Words of wisdom from the old man:

"A girl in a red bikini is looking for attention."

FallopianRaider · 1 year

My Dad on suicide...(roughly)

"Never give yourself a reason to take your own life, it is unfair on the people who love you and it is unfair on the millions of people who have suffered undeserved deaths, whom, if they could, would give anything except the life of another to live another day or even a minute with their loved ones."

He pretty much said - Fight and destroy your demons and oppressors, do not escape from them through your own self inflicted death. It is unjust.

He told me this one day whilst we were having some beers in the yard, I was 18 and was planning on taking my life not long after that day (looking back, they were pathetic childish reasons). When he spoke those words, young, naive me felt empowered, the fact that I still had life and the ability to live it as I please gave me the strength to 'cancel' my suicide. I felt that dedicating everything I do to those who are unable was a way of finding motivation to carry on, I am a lot wiser and perspectivey now (yes, perspectivey), growing up helps with understanding the world and yourself.

I will never take my own life, no matter how shit things get.

TLDR: Dad (drunkenly) saved my life.

Vroomvroomnoise · 1 year

whenever I would go over to my girlfriend's house my mother would scream out "Don't be a dummy, cum on her tummy!"

Sal79 · 1 year

"If you can't cum in her, cum on her."

Sound advice, dad.

2muffins · 1 year

"You want a girl that's good looking enough that you want to fuck her, but not so good looking that EVERYONE wants to fuck her."

estrtshffl · 1 year

My dad told me this on the phone today, as a joke. "Say to her, 'should I call you for breakfast or just nudge?'"

cgarcia805 · 1 year

"No todos los hombres son malos, hay unos peores" - very wise witty mom.

'Not all men are bad, some are even worse'... Makes more sense in spanish :/

BurlyGod · 1 year

"If it's got tits or tires, it'll give ya trouble"

[deleted] · 1 year

My dad gave me some advice as part of a story he was telling. When he was younger, he told one of his friends from work, "Watch out for girls with large ankles and wrists. Even if they're thin now, they can't keep it up forever." Somehow, the (thin) receptionist at the place heard about the advice but didn't hear exactly what he said, so she asked him. When he told her, she lifted her leg up onto the table and showed him her rather large ankle. "So, what does that say about me?" she asked him. "I guess you'd better watch out," he says.

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