I burned my penis while trying to iron my shirt in the early morning. I am my own worst enemy... What are some of your worst self-inflicted injuries?

minorsaint · 1 year

Naired my balls on a dare once. It was like the gay porn parody of Fight Club. "And this...is a chemical burn!"

PavementBlues · 1 year

When I was sixteen, I thought that it would be a GREAT idea to have my friends duct tape me sitting on a skateboard so that I couldn't move a muscle, then launch me down a long hill. They started pushing me, then one of them gave an extra shove as they stopped and I began to wobble. Within a few seconds, I was helplessly bouncing directly on my head until I slowed to stop. I was unconscious and had torn all of the skin and tissue off of part of my knee so that bone was exposed. I also sustained a traumatic brain injury and my entire forehead swelled outward about an inch for two weeks afterward so that my forehead hung over my eyes.

EDIT: The best part about all of this was that school started just as the swelling was starting to go down, so I would go up to people and start tapping my head, causing my scalp to actually ripple as the fluid bounced around. I made so many people scream with that trick.

wolfkstaag · 1 year

Oh, let's see...

As a kid...

Riding a bike around around our playroom. Going full speed, guess I ran over a toy or something. Bike flipped, slammed head on corner of brick fireplace. Hospital, stitches, etc. Didn't scar AFAIK.

Decided shoes must be INVINCIBLE BASTIONS OF PROTECTION FOR THE FOOT. Decided to test theory by placing a nail on it's head and jumping on it. Nail won.

I remember busting my lip badly as a kid, but I don't quite recall how I did it. I think I was pulling on something, lost my grip and punched myself in the face. Went to hospital, got some sort of treatment that helped it seal up. Went home, was playing with plastic sword and whacked myself in the same spot, opening it right back up.

As a teenager/adult...

Someone gave me access to a set of X-Acto knives. I don't know who thought this was a good idea (see above), but I decided to use them to try and whittle a cool walking stick to give to my then-girlfriend. Slipped, sliced a huge bloody gash along my palm, from the webbing between forefinger and thumb all the way to the base of the thumb. Bled like a stuck pig and scarred permanently.

Was riding a bike and tried to a balance an unwieldy case on my handlebars ( I do this often ). I believe an X Box 360 was inside. Knew I was losing my balance and was going to go over. In a moment of panic, my brain decided X360 was more valuable than self, so I went down without catching myself. Leg got caught in the frame and bent my knee at an unnatural angle. Couldn't walk for a week.

Later that month, playfully lifted a friend of mine (big gal, 350 lbs or so), forgetting about my bum knee and it buckled, laying me out for another week.

Just the other day, I was messing around in a landing built in our warehouse out here; it was built without consideration for the giant metal beam that ends up being just about at eye level for my 6'2" self. I was crouched, going through something. Stood up absentmindedly and started walking forward at the same time. End result was whanging right into the edge of that beam at full force on the bridge of my nose. I understand 'seeing stars' now.

This list does not include my daily banging of shins, smashing of fingers, scalding of skin in hot water, etc.

TL;DR: I'm a little clumsy.

SHINeeBitches · 1 year

When I was about 7 or 8 I was playing the game we all know and love The floor is lava doing pretty well at it too until I jumped off the ladder (my dad had been doing something to the light and hadn't put it away) onto the sofa, managed to do a 180 and then faceplanted hard onto the radiator. My forehead became all scabby and I looked like a klingon for about a month.

TL;DR Played a game and became a klingon

miwine · 1 year

Oh, just admit it, you're not the first person to try to fuck an iron.

IntuitiveHats · 1 year

One time when I was showering there was some sort of flying insect in the shower with me, and I was death staring it the entire time. At one point it started flying around and happened to land right on my penis, it was at this time that I decided it would be the best time to attack. I then proceeded to punch myself in the dick, the resulting pain caused my body to lurch forward and I fractured the glass on my shower wall.

TL;DR I punched myself in the dick

radbrad7 · 1 year

[deleted]

ChewiestBroom · 1 year

You know an injury is severe if you can only post a picture of it to r/spacedicks.

Anyway, I stepped on a soccer ball in sixth grade gym, went a good three or four feet into the air and got a solid second or two of hangtime, and smashed into the ground, right on my tailbone. It hurt to do almost anything for a month, and so far it's the closest I've ever come to utterly destroying my ass.

drew830 · 1 year

A couple, but not as horrifying as burning my dick...

Second degree burns on my arms from pouring out 2 cups of hot olive oil into a sink that had water running. (Edit: Had a job interview the following morning, so I walked in there with my arm wrapped from my hand to my elbow. Looked fantastic.)

Nearly chopped off the tip of my middle finger when I was trimming bushes in my grandfather's back yard. Took a couple steps down the ladder while simultaneously swinging the trimmer towards my other hand and pushing the on button.

Jumped to catch a football, missed, and landed on my wrist, shattering it. No one touched me in the air.

I also routinely have the ceiling fan in my room on the highest speed, and when I take shirts off my hand tends to get too close to the blades. This happens about once a week because I'm an idiot.

TL;DR: I am really dumb.

ArrenPawk · 1 year

When I was 10 or so I threw a tantrum of such force that as I was winding up to kick, I kneed myself in the face and ended up with the worst bloody nose of my life. I'm seriously surprised I didn't break it

chewbaccabrn · 1 year

I was cutting a mini bagel once with a butter knife. I some how sliced my thumb open, with a BUTTER KNIFE.

occupyredrobin · 1 year

I stuck a pen clip so far up my nose it got stuck and hurt so bad trying to pull it out. I was l--l this close to going to the hospital for it.

edit: *out

kyronix · 1 year

Oh god I have to respond to this because I did this on October 30th, day before holloween of 2011, which happened to be just 12 days from my Wedding which was on November 11th.

So the setting is, my fiance and I are drunk... you know, typical Sunday night stuff, and having a conversation about our families and their goofy stuff. One thing that is kind of a joke throughout my family is the fact that near a door at my grandparents house is a swiveling chair. When someone sits in said chair it is nearly impossible to get past their knees without some crazy squeeze/sidestep/dancing move. So while discussing this particular instance (a few Dirty Grey Goose's down) I decide we need more drinks because... Fuck it, we have to work tomorrow. I get up and we are laughing and having a good time.

Now to Really understand what happens next you have to know a bit about me. I am a large fellow. I am 6'3" and I weigh (variably) between 270 and 330 (I was 400 at one point so screw off). Now in my infinite hairy wisdom I proceed to get super dramatic and act out the process of coming through the door past my Grandfather in his favorite chair. So a very large man looks as though he's trying to squeeze through a hallway the size of a narrow cat, and I do this... prancing leap of justice that would make any ballet master envious. I was glorious. You do not understand the grace that is 300 lbs. of flying fur.

Unfortunately I had forgotten to put away some canned goods... that I landed on.

Luckily for me I did not break a can so it could cut me, but instead landed with such force that I tore the skin from the center of the ball of my foot all the way up underneath my big toe and around. Obviously drunk me thinks, "STUCK THE LANDING, fuckin 10 baby. (wife claps)" Now I proceed to make drinks and head back to the couch (leaving a blood spot trail that was not spotted till the next morning) then eventually go to bed.

Well in the morning while I bled profusely in the shower, my wife convinces me to go to the doctor and have them look at it... I would rather take a shot to the dick than ever have someone put a needle in my foot again. The split went down to the bone.

I'm getting married in like 12 days, leaving for Fiji 3 days after that... and I can't fucking walk... I CAN'T WALK. Because I'm an idiot mind you, it was just frustrating.

TL;DR: Gigantic man does a prancing leap into an injury and has to Hobble down the aisle at his own wedding.

derp_vaderp · 1 year

Just the other day I caught myself in my zipper. Not quite as bad as Ben Stiller in Something About Mary, but holy shit it hurt.

Dixichick13 · 1 year

Bacon grease on the titties. Never fry bacon at midnight whilst drunk and topless. Totally worth it.

soralan · 1 year

[deleted]

mcwx3 · 1 year

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thebendavis · 1 year

I woke up after sleeping on my arm in a weird position, it was 'asleep' and completely numb. I rolled over a bit too quickly and smacked myself square in the face with my numb arm. Had a fat lip for a few days.

gustaphus · 1 year

First time trimming my pubic area in highschool w my first serious girlfriend. Were both in my bathroom and shes watching me snip away here and there, although the longest hairs are still on my actual balls. So I start snipping carefully around the hairy globes, but was growing frustrated w how slow the process was. So I switched to a more rapid snipping process in which the scissors glided more quickly over the wrinkles. Almost on cue, my gf giggles and says "you better be careful." I scoff at her and say im fine just as I take a nice chunk of ball skin off. there wasn't that much blood.

Tl;dr..cut off some ball skin during my first pube trim.

elmergantry1960 · 1 year

I have a lot.

When I was about 13, I had an awesome ropeswing. Not from a tree, but from a bunch of other ropes coming together. I had beams and columns and benches to jump from and was really good at it. One day, I jumped off a column, went upside-down, wrapped my legs around the rope and let go of my hands while spinning. Unfortunately I had forgotten to take a large wooden chair off the picnic table, which I was headed directly towards. I threw my legs down, kicked the side of the picnic table and did a front flip landing on a bench. I was a bit scared, so I went inside scared/impressed, so I decided to make a sandwich. The tile floor in the kitchen was wet. I slipped. My hand was a fist when it hit the ground and I got a boxer's fracture and had to have surgery.
When I was 5, I was cutting an avocado with a plastic butter knife. I slipped and cut my thumb. Blood began gushing everywhere, and I had to have stitches. From a plastic butter knife
When I was 11, I was making a salami sandwich. After I put the salami on the bread, I decided it was time for the cheese. My hands were a bit slippery from the salami and I couldn't open the cheese. I looked for some scissors, but couldn't find any. So I got a serrated knife and decided to cut the bag open. I succeeded, but I also cut my thumb and had to have stitches. I must have hit a nerve when it happened, because it didn't hurt. So I put a paper towel on it, made the rest of the sandwich, ate it, then asked my babysitter to look at my thumb.
I was playing frisbee when I was 14 at a field next to a very rocky beach, with giant rocks. I love frisbee and can catch most anything, so when the wind changed after my friend threw me the frisbee, I ran. Only looking at the frisbee, I dove, caught it, then realized I was over the rocks, I curled into a ball and braced for impact. I broke my hand and my arms and legs were covered in blood, but I still had the fucking frisbee!

TL;DR Surgery from making a sandwich. Stitches from a plastic butter knife. Stitches from trying to open the cheese with a serrated knife. And Broken hand from diving onto rocks while playing frisbee

About_to_Snap · 1 year

I'm going to hijack my own post by sharing another fun one that happened last summer.

Working construction (framing) and it was a hot day (approx 40C with the humidity) and I had major sweat dripping into my eyes.

Well, it kinda distracted me while I was putting together a wallframe with a nailgun, and I failed to notice I was holding the beam incorrectly when I let a shot loose.

Instant shock - I ended up driving myself to the hospital (to which I of course got in shit for by boss, wife, etc) but arrived fine.

The nail was a 3 1/4 inch with barbs, so they had to cut the top off the nail and yank it out the other way.

If you can zoom in on the xray picture, the nail just missed my knuckle, and if it was a little further out, it would have affected nerves etc.

So basically if you were going to put a spike into your thumb, this was the "ideal" way...

Here's the pics of the event

SlyNeko · 1 year

I was sitting at the top of some stone steps outside a nightclub after a night out changing from my heels into my flats. There was a massive pool of vomit a few steps down from me. I got up and tried to gracefully jump over the pool, end up slipping, falling down the stone steps and breaking my foot. Didn't fall in the vomit though \o/

1 year

[deleted]

ApocalypseThen · 1 year

Mine is also iron-related: I had just finished ironing a shirt (on the ironing board), and wanted to fold up the ironing board. I needed two hands, so I just tucked the iron under my arm...when I sustained severe burns and got to do to the ER.

wishicoulddomore · 1 year

Camping trip. Unwittingly got poison ivy on my hands, then masturbated. The next few days I was dancing in my pants.

The scariest part was that my mom looked me in the eye and said with the most serious expression: "Look, if there is ANY irritation around your penis, it's serious and you have to tell me." I never told her.

Gian_Doe · 1 year

I smoke, or used to before I moved in with roommates again, on the toilet.

It's one of the things I miss most about living alone actually. Anyway, one afternoon I'm smoking and enjoying a nice shit. At this point I've probably done it thousands of times over my life. But this particular time I went to flick the ash between my legs like always and somehow managed to catch my dick with the cherry. Not just a little bit either, like I really burned the hell out of it. The worst part was if you got a boner it would rip the scab off because the scab doesn't stretch with the skin. Needless to say I pay a bit more attention when flicking the ash these days.

That one took a while to heal.

leet_hacksaw · 1 year

This thread has made me realise that, as a 27 year old man, who has an active lifestyle, is an adrenaline junkie, grew up playing rugby, skateboarding, had a trampoline, fought brothers with big sticks... Shit I could go on.

I have never:

broken a bone.
needed stitches.
been knocked unconscious.
been admitted to hospital for any reason.

knocks on wood...

three_horsemen · 1 year

One time I tried jacking off with shampoo, and this weird turtleshell-like crust formed all over my twig and berries. It didn't go away for days.

Then another time when I was 13 I shaved my asshole. Bad idea. Tickled like hell, I thought I was gonna shit myself in science class

liz-to-the-e-bitches · 1 year

sooo...

My husband decided to do something that he considered romantic for me. He knows I don't like pubic hair ESPECIALLY WHEN I GO DOWN ON HIM, and I normally make a point to wax my altar of love for him.

Being the sweet husband he is, he decides it would be funny to shave his pubes into a heart. He gets the top part done and it looks fucking terrible and the farthest thing from a shape of a heart.

So he just decides to shave the entire thing off. He goes to grab the hair clippers without any guards. Decides to use it bareback. He started to go slowly as to not hurt himself. He wanted to give himself a look that said 'lick my salty balls now'.

As he proceeds to shave his balls with the hair clippers, his nutsack got caught in the clippers.

Picture curtains getting sucked into a vacuum cleaner - and just let that imagery sink in.

I come home and hes cradling his balls, and theres blood all over the bathroom. Being the terrible wife I am, I gave him a big hug, while trying to stifle my laughter and tried to pass it off as crying. When he got up the courage to show me his battle scar I burst out laughing and dropped to the ground, unable to form coherent sentences.

I am a terrible person. It is now a story that gets passed around our circle of friends and my husband now laughs about it when he speaks of his epic fail.

chizry · 1 year

I was boiling water in one of those electric kettles, and proceeded to pour some into a mug. In comes my dog (puppy at the time), skittering across the floor. Startled, I knock over the mug with the kettle, tipping the water down my jeans. I immediately grabbed a towel and dried myself off, and didn't think it was that bad, since I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

Thirty minutes later, it really starts to sting, so as I strip my pants off I notice that there's a really nasty red splotch down there. I dab at it with a cold towel and aloe vera, but the damage was done. I ended up having a dark scar there for a year or so that faded away with time.

TL;DR: Scalded my nether regions with boiling water. Didn't realize it until after the fact.

soralan · 1 year

I jumped on a slate tile (to break it) as a kid because I thought i was a Badass.. Damn thing broke all right and went through my shoe and into my foot. 8 stitches and a scar for life.

birdred · 1 year

While walking barefoot across my unobstructed, flat, carpeted apartment floor, I tripped over my right foot and broke the big toe on my left foot.

Was trying to open a classroom door at school that seemed to be stuck when the person on the other side suddenly let go and I yanked the door toward my face and split my forehead open. Did not realize I had blood running down my face until I sat down and person in front of me turned around and screamed. Nine stitches.

gsn42 · 1 year

Stabbed myself in the back.

[deleted] · 1 year

I have a few scars from the several times this scenario has played out, but here's the story of the worst. I was cleaning wine glasses at work, hundreds already done, hundreds more to do, so naturally I'm doing this as fast as I possibly can. I pick up a new glass, grab inside it with my right hand and towel-dry the machine-rinsed base with my left. The neck snaps, and I drive the top end of the glass into my left hand. Four stitches and lost some feeling in my left middle finger. Another time it hit above the nail on my ring finger. It ended up making a gouge in the nail itself underneath the skin, and three years later it still grows with a ridge in it.

Whizbang · 1 year

My partner and I were having sexy times. I was lying atop him, face to face. Without our realizing, the circular barbell in my PA got hooked in the captive bead ring in his PA. I slid off him to the side to change position.

Blood spurted everywhere. Both his and mine.

Saifire18 · 1 year

Not an injury, but as I child I stuck a helicoptor seed so far into my ear that I couldn't get it out, had to go to the hospital so they could use super long tweezers. I'll never live it up. Every time I think it's forgotten my mom regales me with:
"Hmm..it feels like there's a tree seed in my ear"
"Sam? IS there a tree seed in your ear?"

MrsRatt · 1 year

Not me, but my little sister. Years ago I had gotten my first video camera, and I wanted to record some funny stuff. I had a bunch of friends over, and they thought of what was, at the time, the best idea ever. So they propped up a gardening hoe and my sister, perfectly willing, stepped on it to slam it into her head, just like in the cartoons. She was okay, but it took a nice amount of ice for the swelling to go down. I still have the video.

mokronannibis · 1 year

Last summer I was home from college and without my computer to jerk it to I found myself getting creative, so while in the washroom looking for some lotion I came across this cream called Rub A535, which is some sort of muscle relaxant, and thinking it would feel extra awesome on my cock I proceeded with its application; well, it took a few seconds to kick in but when it did it felt like what it'd imagine a blow torch would feel like on your junk. Frantically I jumped in the shower, and on my knees with the facet running continuously I splashed water over my genitals to get it the fuck off; however, some inevitably got on my balls which burned even more, and hands shaking, thinking my heart was about to burst out of my chest, and my genitals fall off that I'd die of shock and that would be how my parents would find me... dead in the bathroom with the shower curtain yanked down and my genitals reduced to smoldering rubble. Fortunately I'm still alive and the skin didn’t peel or anything but holy fuck it was probably the worst pain I have ever felt. I must be an idiot or just really horny or both, but I can’t believe that I had never heard that was bad or anything. You would think the American Pie movies would have warned us as a teenager or something...I should have sued the Rub A535 company or at least got them to put a warning on the label.

TL;DR: Do not put Rub A535 on your genitals

edit: Use Rub A535 to jerk off it feels sooo good!

4boltmain · 1 year

Well I got a penis related injury.

I was 18 and welding some rocker panels onto my truck ( the lower part of the cab basically runs under the door, it rusted out). So I'm sitting there its late and I'm a few beers in too (The owner of the shop was real kool, and it was right next door to Anheuser Busch, so they would always drop lots of beer.) I'm on a stool sitting, knees under the truck and i'm practically welding on my lap. Well when I blow through the sheet metal with the welder a drop of slag (molten metal) drops, and burns right through the crotch of my jeans in on top of my member. The pain! Ohhh god the pain! I was picking metal off of my penis. Think hot wax, but hotter and harder.

I still have a scar from the third degree burns that I had.

KillerOs13 · 1 year

When I was about 8 years old, my dad was replacing the roofing boards on the house we were renting out. As such, there were about a half-dozen 2x4s with some good 6 inch nails sticking out of them.

My brother and I get the wonderful idea of "let's see how far you can walk on the nails until you fall off!"

He managed to walk on 6 nails without problem, I get to "wuh-pop!" roofing nail to the foot.

Worst part was, my mom was both freaked out and laughing her ass off because it was "the single dumbest thing a child has ever done around her."

TL;DR: Roofing nail walk, I lose.

[deleted] · 1 year

I gave myself a third degree burn on my right arm because of childhood proximity to a burn-survivor-turned-drug-addict, and I wanted to know what that kind of pain could do to a person's mind. Now I have a point of reference. Note: I was stone cold sober.

The scar is about the size of a silver dollar.

Alfred12321 · 1 year

I was 15, cutting shrubs in the front yard... Using a power trimmer, and listening to EMF. Working, working, and Shit, my finger. Managed to cut nearly to the bone on my off hand index finger. Works fine now, but damn it was a painful day.

Doc put a butterfly bandage on it, said stitches wouldn't necessarily be the best idea. I dunno whether it would have been, but it seems ok. Most of the time.

rockstaticx · 1 year

For the last 7-8 years or so, I've had severe and worsening knee problems. Not to go on and on, but it flares up a few days after I've gone jogging, sometimes, and sometimes it flares up from nothing at all. There's always some pain, especially when going up stairs. It is frustrating. Doctors have been unable to diagnose it, physical therapists unable to fix it, and so on. The only treatment seems to be staying off my knee, which in the heavily walkable city I live is difficult to do.

A few weeks ago the sweetheart and I were at a running store looking for new running shoes. They actually tape your stride and give you pointers. My girlfriend and I are discussing how to improve mine as we leave the store. She says, "You know most of your stride is supposed to go behind you, right?" I look at her dumbfounded.

It's about a month later. My knee problems have gone away almost completely, and my only problem is there's so little pain it's hard to remember which stride is the right one. The pain went away within days.

tl;dr: Turns out I've been walking wrong my entire life.

FacebookButtFuck · 1 year

Staple in the thumb.

Tr0llphace · 1 year

Worst pain was an ingrown toe I had for several years, I say self inflicted because I put off getting it fixed for so long. I would pick at it to remove the corner of the nail but it kept getting worse and worse, more infected and harder to get the nail out cause the skin kept growing back over the ingrown nail. Came to the point where I would be digging inside my own cuticle with tweezers for the nail and try to rip it out, bleeding like a stuck pig.

Also during that time period of several years, any time I so much as grazed something with that toe even with shoes on, it would be excrutiating pain from the nail puncturing the skin from the inside (sometimes it went through the top of my toe and made a hole).

When I finally got it fixed, the process was even more gruesome, the doctor cut down both sides of my toenail and ripped them out at the nail bed, then went in with a scalpel and cut out the nail beds themselves, then applied acid to gauze on the end of wooden sticks, shoved the sticks down into my cuticles on both sides (looked like some kind of chinese bamboo torture) to chemically burn the nail beds. then finally used a electric device to cauterize the nail beds to make sure they were dead.

Worst part of the story: now 3 years later my nails on that toe are starting to grow back and i'll probably have to get it done again.

MrPossibility · 1 year

I was playing Ghosts in Graveyard and ran into a door that had a window in it, hand went through the window. Myself, the door, and the immediate vicinity was all covered in blood. Ambulance ride to the ER right into the OR. Found out I severed the nerve, a tendon, and the artery in my wrist. Being a smaller town hospital they didn't have the proper tools to fix the nerve, so they fixed the rest, patched me up for the night and in the morning sent me to a hand specialist 3 hours away. Find out the ER doc was a major moron and didn't fix the tendon, missed 4 others that I severed, and he 'fixed' the artery by sewing both ends shut, so little to no blood flow for about 14 hours.
In the end the hand specialist was an amazing doc and in less time than the first surgeon fixed everything (and I made a better recovery than he even imagined I could).
So a game of GnG went: fun->almost died->almost lost hand->all better (sorta)

cake_o_death · 1 year

When I was around 7 or 8 I dropped a pitchfork that had been stuck in the ground back into the ground, however the second trip down was via my foot, destroyed many bones and tendons that day but I now have a badass scar to show for it!

MrRatt · 1 year

When I was younger, I felt the need to have Spider Wire fishing line while fishing for tiny stuff (perch, bluegills). This stuff is 50 pound test or higher, so I'd pull in logs before the line actually broke...

So I'm fishing... And I'm paying attention to not cast while anyone is around me, because I didn't want to hurt anyone. Problem is, I wasn't paying enough attention and I hooked myself. In the head. And I managed to snap the line, so it wasn't gentle.

So my mom speeds me to the hospital... Of course, fishing hooks are barbed so the doctors had to push it through my head and then chop the tip off before they could pull it back out.

I was young enough to get a stuffed animal out of the deal. I called him hookey. Creative.

1 year

[deleted]

hells_cowbells · 1 year

OP's story is useless without pi...you know what, I'm good. I'll just take your word for it.

snatchglue · 1 year

When I was about 13, I convinced my parents to buy me some fireworks. I had seen the cool boys crush up the "screechers" and put them in glass bottles, ignite, then run and BOOM!!! So being the hard core chick I was, I tried to do the same thing. Only it didn't light (or so I thought). So as I nervously approached to re-light... BOOM!!! Shards of glass flying at me then the blood dripping down my face. I was actually pretty lucky. I have a small scar just above my eye and a couple on my leg.

[deleted] · 1 year

I cut my thumb open one time while washing dishes. We had these really odd glasses that curves somewhat, and were really difficult to wash, because of the shape. Normally, I'm ok with washing those, but I was half asleep after having a 7 a.m. class that day.

So, I was minding my own business and I go to wash the inside of the glass, and put my hand in, which caused the glass to break. In the two seconds it somehow took my brain to register the glass was broken, I had cut my thumb. For about ten seconds after that I thought it was just a little slice, until I put my hand back into the water, and screamed bloody murder before pulling it out and realizing I had cut it worse than I thought. Cue me bleeding all over the place and bursting into tears (not so much from pain, as it actually didn't hurt really, but more from surprise and shock at the amount of blood) until we get it bandaged and I get taken to the emergency room.

Turned out I had severed 80% of my tendon. I spent that summer with my thumb in a splint, and I still have the stitches in my tendon because the doctor didn't think to use dissolving ones and they didn't want to cut my thumb open again. There's also nice little scar there.

Toeless_Joe · 1 year

I woke up early to mow the lawn on a Saturday. My yard is quite hilly and the grass was still damp with dew. I ended up slipping into the lawn mower with my left foot. Fortunately, I only cut off my big toe on my left foot. If I hadn't been wearing shoes I could have lost much more.

Youki_san · 1 year

In my quest for better martial arts flexibility, a few weeks of intense stretching managed to push my back just that liiiiittle bit over the edge. Intervertebral disk herniation, pressing on a nerve to my hamstring, yay!

Almost 4 years later, I'm pretty much 100% recovered again.

JoeRubbo · 1 year

http://i.imgur.com/cQnFU.jpg

anotsmallthing · 1 year

Like OP, I also accidently'd my winky. This was actually just a few days ago.

I was moving into my awesome new house. That day I had a bunch of coffee and was really hauling ass to get stuff done, moving heavy furniture like I didn't even care. Eventually, after moving yet another large object, I noticed a burning sensation starting at the tip of my penis. Wut?!

It grows over a few minutes until it envelops the entire tip (and just the tip) with the fires of hell. I run into the bathroom 3 different times to use a sink to cool down Baron von Pinky until it became unbearable/impossible to continue working and we drove back to my old house for another load of furniture/for me to take a cold shower. (Why didn't I think to just stay at the new house to shower? I don't know. I was cursing myself for that mistake as soon as we were on our way there.)

As we drove, I looked to my crotchular region and had a horrible epiphany about where all this pain came from. The pepper spray that I kept in my pocket had been opened and the force of some piece of furniture I was moving had set it off in my pocket, soaking my unfortunate genitalia with hellwater that would leave it burning and me on the verge of tears for another thirty minutes or so as I desperately tried to cool it off in the shower. The driver was laughing to tears the entire way home, which frustrated me because any delay in reaching the shower was beyond unacceptable.

Eventually, the burning died down and I got back to carefully moving stuff. (It was extremely sensitive for rest of the day and the next day.)

tl;dr: Pepperspray unexpectedly went off in pocket and maced my dick tip

StavTheImpaler · 1 year

When I was 15 I was finally allowed to use a love blade for my Kenjutsu class. For those of you who don't know, Kenjutsu is a Japanese martial art that focuses entirely on the katana. Beginners start the class with wooden bokken and after you are around long enough you move to an iaito which is a katana replica that is very light and not sharp. Keep in mind, the practice equipment is very light compared to a real sword.

My sensei considered me experienced enough to use a real katana during practice so he lent me one of his old ones. It was my only my second training session with it and we were cutting tatami mats. I still wasn't used to the heavy weight of a real blade and when I cut through the tatami I followed all the way through and the blade hit the tile, bounced back and it stabbed me in the scrotum.

My left testicle was literally hanging out and I was rushed to the emergency room. I got stitched up and was sent home! There was no serious damage except that blow to my ego. My sensei poked fun at me for years after that. I love that man.

jeffedge · 1 year

i posted this story awhile ago, but here's my shaving accident that involved my penis:

i was somewhat messing around with this girl, and she ended up leaving town for a long time. a few years pass, she moves back and gives me a call. well, i had been in the dumps for awhile and hadn't really been taking care of myself downstairs. though i had just bought a new phillips body groomer and was about to take care of it anyway.

so she calls me up and it's like 1am and shes like "i want you to be here right now." so of course i spaz and hang up and start running out the door and realize i have a jungle going on down there. this is not the time to use something on your genitals that you have not messed around with yet. i start hastily going through the different heads the thing has and just decide to go with the overall normal trimmer. im flying through it, on the pubic area, just going to town. then i went under at the very bottom of the shaft. not a good idea.

somehow time slowed down and i just saw those fast blades hook right on and tear right into the flesh. and this wasn't a little cut. there was a hole. i could see pink and white meat. and you know in horror movies when someone will pull a knife out and blood will just leak onto the floor? that happened.

anyway, i sliced the underside of my dick wide open, and laid in a small pool of blood in my bathroom and never got laid. she thought i blew her off. i couldn't tell her what happened, and i haven't talked to her since.

tl;dr: - don't shave hastily around your lovelies with a body groomer you're unfamiliar with.

crapandemic · 1 year

As a kid, flipped over the handlebars on my bike whilst camping. Skidded on my face about ten feet then wobbled my ass back to the campsite covered in blood. I was worried I'd re-torn where I'd had stitches in my chin in preschool. Nope. Just put my bottom teeth through my upper lip.

Then a couple days ago I was all jacked up on Vicodin and felt myself have to puke so I started for the bathroom. Fainted, bounced face off kitchen counter before hitting floor, regained consciousness, made it to bathroom, vomited, and returned to phone call without other party realizing it'd happened. Felt good, man.

turingheuristic · 1 year

I did a chin-up on a hot barbecue to see what was cooking.

ACarsonMedia · 1 year

I have a large machete scar on my leg. I was in the woods clearing some small trees at the family camp when I missed and cut into my left leg pretty much to the bone. Fun fact, clean deep cuts like this don't really hurt, it just felt kind of cold and uncomfortable. Well of course I am a quarter mile from camp and bleeding pretty badly so I took off my socks and tied them around the cut as hard as I could and hobbled back to camp. Went to the ER for some stitches and spent the next two weeks showering with a bag over my leg. I was 17 at the time.

ZeeJules67 · 1 year

Every single time I walk in the dark with confidence! Fucking bed, night stand, and table!

[deleted] · 1 year

When I was about 12 I was out riding my mountain bike around a forest, decided to come home, and on the way back I saw a small (3-4 foot) seemingly solid mound of dirt, I in my adventure starved young mind thought "Hey, I can jump that!", and in all honesty, if that was all it was I would have been fine, so I increased my speed, came up to the top of the mound, pulled up my front wheel and entered the air, bracing myself for (where I thought) the ground was. Turns out it was a 3 odd ft mound, with another 3 odd ft drop. In my panic my feet slipped off of the pedals, my body went forward and I landed dick-first on the frame of my bike. Had to walk an hour or so home, and my dick was a blue-ish purple colour for a week.

ChickenChaser · 1 year

Was going through a dry spell and tried to get resin hits out of an old bowl. I was holding it with a potholder, and the (red hot) bowl slipped out of my hand and fell into my cleavage. It got stuck in my bra and burned me on both boobs :( definitely would have had terrible scars if I hadn't used vitamin e oil, which I recommend for all future injuries...

DeFeet · 1 year

I got a leatherman from my cousin for christmas when I was 10, and one time at a family picnic I was trying to cut out just the center of an apple so I didn't have to eat around the core (because it wasn't there) and the knife part was so sharp that it cut clean through the apple and into my palm.

I see the blood seeping up through the apple and I throw it, only to have blood squirt up and hit me in the face. I then thrust my hand into the grass and screamed, "Noo!!!!!" in some sort of denial fit. Got 7 stitches for it and got my cousin back by giving him a knife a couple years later that he sliced his thumb open with.

Apparently I missed the muscles that control my pointer finger by millimeters...

myinterpretation · 1 year

Was preparing to make a baked potato by stabbing holes in the potato after washing it. This means that I have the potato in one hand and a fork in the other, and I am relying solely on my hand-eye coordination (which I now realize, I completely overestimated) to deliver forceful blows to this potato. Predictably, I miss the potato and manage to drive the prongs of the fork right between my pinky finger and my fingernail, almost taking the whole nail off. The kicker is, I then chuck the potato into the sink and immediately put my hand under the faucet to rinse off the blood. Unfortunately, the water was scalding hot because I had just used it to wash my potato and therefore added intense burning to the list of injuries caused to my poor hand.

goofyre · 1 year

I broke both my wrists using a trampoline to try and dunk a basketball in High School. I didn't even make the dunk.

HelixHaze · 1 year

Found a large rock with plenty of footholds and decided to climb up, great time. Afterwards i realized that i had gotten cuts on my wrists from sharp protrusions. People thought that they were self inflicted for a while. Not the most severe injury, but the most awkward probably.

[deleted] · 1 year

when i was about 4 years old or so i decided it was shower time and got butt naked, left my room to get a towel. our towel closet was directly across from the floor to ceiling wall heater in our hallway. my brother and his friend were in his room and could see and i got startled and my bare bum made sizzling contact with the heater. i felt the most excruciating ass pain. i burned my ass, the grill of the heater left a checker patterned scar covering my entire left butt cheek. the scar eventually faded 5 or so years later but the emotional damage i received from my older brother asking me to bend over so they can play checkers will last a lifetime.

ryan2point0 · 1 year

So I'm about 7 years old and I'm on the couch watching tv. My sister walks into the living room with a bowl of ice cream. I went to the backyard to ask my mom if I can get myself some. While I was on the deck I was fiddling around with the sliding glass door. I put my thumb in the hole where the latch goes when the doors lock.

When she said yes I turned around quickly and tore off a really good chunk of my right thumb. It took most of the skin around the wound too, making stitches impossible. Thumb looked like a giant q-tip end for weeks. Still have an indent.

TL;DR. Fuck you, read it.

DoingTheDugong · 1 year

I have a couple of interesting ones from my childhood.

When I was about 6-7, I had gotten a pack of balloons (scooby doo ones to be exact) to play with. I ended up blowing up the whole pack and they were all over the floor. I ended up getting bored of the balloons and decided to pop all of them. So my 6-7 year old mind decides I'm gonna pop them with a wooden baseball bat. Bad Idea. I swag at one of the balloons as hard as I could perpendicular to the floor. The balloon didn't pop. Instead, the bat bounced off of the balloon and hit me square in the forehead. Ended up knocking me out. Was bawling my eyes out when I woke up. My parents ended taking me to the hospital afterwards. The doctor and nurses found my story hilarious which got me really pissed off. I ended up having a huge bump on my forehead which never completely went away. There is still a little bump which is a permanent reminder to never try to pop balloons with a baseball bat.
When I was in kindergarten, my friends and I had made up this game where someone would be a crazy motherfucker at the bottom of the playset and we had to avoid them at all costs. So if you can imagine I 5 foot structure with a slide at one end and a pole at the other, that is what we were on. So my friend is the crazy motherfucker this round, and I'm trying to avoid him. He starts running up the slide, and I panic and just off the side with the pole. I clipped the pole and lost my footing causing me to land find on the concrete between the sand and the grass. Snap. Didn't think it was broken untill I tried to write a mother's day card and I started bawling my eyes out for the next hour or two.
Also when I was in kindergarten, a couple of weeks after I had gotten my cast, I was hanging out with one of my friends by a piece of play equipment that had metal stairs going up it and round guard rails on the sides. My friend showed me this "cool" trick where he flipped over the guard rails by swinging over the top of it and flipping around. I decided I was gonna try it too. I tried, but I wasn't able to hold on with my cast so I fell and hit my head right on the metal stairs below the guard rails. Cracked my head open pretty nice and got blood all over the place. Didn't go to the hospital this time because I was so embarrassed to go that I told my mom I was fine.

Melancholy_Girl · 1 year

As a kid, I put gloves on my feet so that it would look like I had monkey feet. I was running around and playing, just being silly. Then I ran into our kitchen, which had hardwood floors. Needless to say, I made it about two steps before my legs came out from under me because the gloves had no traction. Landed right on my chin and busted it open. Had to get thirteen stitches. Worst part was that I looked like I had a tiny goatee.

LTuckR · 1 year

When I was around 9 or 10 I was jumping around near a bench. I managed to jump into said bench and put a nice big chip in my front 2 teeth.

Red_Woody · 1 year

I was making lunch and had just gotten back from the gym. I had showered awhile before. I was wearing basketball shorts and no underwear because fuck it that's why. So as I'm getting a fork out of the drawer and I close the drawer fast. It clamped my scrotum through my shorts so tight it cut the skin. Never again.

klairedee · 1 year

On my birthday a few days a go I was messing with my dg chasing her around our apartment complex. I was going full speed after her and she randomly slammed on the brakes. So I went over the dog, arms flaying full on derp, and fell down 5 concrete steps. ON. MY. BIRTHDAY. I just laid on the ground and rolled around until I figured out nothing was broken and no one was watching/cared.

Okami1707 · 1 year

This Isn't my story. It's a story of someone really stupid whom I am no longer friends with. My friend... Lets call him Tom. While driving home from best buy, he decides to open his new item. He pulls out his knife and proceeds to stab down in the dark while the package is on his leg. He misses and gets about an inch deep laceration. He gets home and puts a bandage on it. He decides he needs to disinfect the wound. With no alcohol or anti-septic he proceeds to grab salt and jam into the wound. He passes out from the pain.

omgletsallpanic · 1 year

my friends and i were playing with fireworks as a teenager. I threw a lit bottle rocket at one of my friends, and it did a COMPLETE 180* and came right at me. I tried to dive out of the way, but it hit me in the neck and blew up about 2 inches from my ear. i am now deaf in that ear!

babyrats · 1 year

This is the second comment from me on this post but I thought this "accident" needed a whole comment of its own.

When I was 16 I worked in a pubs kitchen as a kitchen assistant, I really liked everyone I worked with so we often mucked about in the less busy periods. During one of the calm days we got it into our minds to have a deep throat competition on fanta bottles (these ones) Which went well until I heard a massive crunch and a pain so intense that it made me cry through pain alone. What I had done was broken a bit of cartilage in the left side of my jaw, which cant be fixed. I now have to wear a gum guard to bed to stop me grinding my teeth and damaging it more. The long term damage is that when ever I eat/talk or any other action with my jaw (no more deep throating!) it clicks, which is extremely annoying. It also can lock up at anytime which is just as painful as when I originally did it. I am 24 and this still happens.

If anyone is curious what I told the doctors when they asked me how I did it, I couldn't bring myself to tell them the truth so I copped out and said I was eating an apple.

TLDR: Don't deep throat a fanta bottle.

Ovalopus · 1 year

A few years ago I managed to spray deodorant on my bellend. I thought my cock was melting

That1Guy950 · 1 year

Went with my friends to shoot eachother with airsoft guns one time. Since i dont own my own airsoft gun, i had to borrow my friends pistol. Trying to be ghetto with my homies, i tucked the gun in my crotch instead of just holding it. When i went to pull the gun out, i pulled it by the trigger and shot myself in the balls. I can certainly say that was the worst pain ive ever felt in my life.

T_Sis · 1 year

I walk on hot coals for a secondary job...

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