Throwaway time! What's your secret that could literally ruin your life if it came out?

throwaway215091 · 11 months

Two and a half years ago I was in dire financial straights, so I sold my home to keep my struggling business afloat. I neglected to tell the owners that they have an 800 sq. ft. bunker on the property that I built about seven years ago. The bunker that I've called home since I sold it. The entrance to it is well-hidden, but I still come and go very early/very late in the day.

I'm a single man who keeps to himself. I'm now in a situation where I could move somewhere else, but I love this hidden paradise so much.

ABCH · 1 year

[Background, I'm a guy in my late 20s who was taken into care aged 7.] Everyone around me already knows that I was brought up by foster families because I had a shit early childhood. I deliberately keep it vague and say stuff like "I'd rather not go into it" so that people will just assume I was abused in some way and they'll stop asking about it.

The truth is that for the first 7 years of my life, I was brought up as a girl by my pshyco birth mother who really really really wanted a daughter and didn't let the snag of giving birth to a boy stop her from trying to raise one.

She was a pretty successful professional in a legal field (not entirely sure what) and had me via anonymous sperm donor from a fertility clinic. She found out i was a boy at a late ultrasound and then moved across the country. Gave birth to me at home and continued to move about until I was 5 or so. It was just the two of us all my life, we had contact with other people, of course, but they rarely got very close. I had lots of friends, but was always supervised.

I found out way way after that my mother's strong puritanical christianity was a lie she used to explain why she was so strict about me being 'private' and never letting anyone see me get changed or anything. i just acccepted all of this as fact, having never been told anything different.

I was sent to a religious school for girls and had a really great childhood. i was a bit of a tomboy, and played with lego and toy animals, rather than dolls and stuff, but that's not unusual and no one ever questioned i was a girl - even me. Iknew about men and women, but had never really seen much of naked people. my mother never ever spoke to me about it, but i kinda had the impression that when i grew up and got boobs and stuff, my dick would kinda fall off or something and i would be a woman, and other kids would keep their dicks and they'd be men. I dunno, to be honest, i never really thought about it

Anyway, I carried on with my happy girlhood, and had a bunch of friends and everything was great until i was 7 and a teacher accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee over me at school. the liquid soaked through my clothes and was scalding me so the staff immediately stripped me out of my dress and underwar to get the hot coffee away from my skin. And then they found out.

the cops were called and i got taken to speak with who i guess would be Social Services. they asked me a bunch of questions about life at home and stuff. meanwhile, my mother was taken in for questioning too. she refused to acknowledge me as male and insisted i was her daughter. because she was, y'know, delusional and stuff, i wasn't allowed to go back home but got put with a foster family and went through loads of therapy and stuff.

The worst part was that literally overnight, i lost EVERYTHING. my mother, my home, all my toys, all my clothes, i moved school so lost all my friends, they cut all my hair off and told me i wasn't a girl any more. it was really really traumatic.

the first forster home wasn't that great. they had three boys already and going from a sheltered 'releigious' only-child upbringing to a rough-and-tumble testosterone-filled environment was really difficult. they tried to force me to e masculine and i was just too confused about what they wanted. anything 'girly' was reprimanded and i felt so lost and alone because nothing i did was right.

i tried to commit suicide when i was 11 and again at 13 becuase i didn't feel i fitted in anywhere. After the second attempt, they moved me to a different foster family who were awesome. I consider them to be my parents. they actually stood up for me, the first thing was that they et me grow my hair. from when i got taken into care, they buzzed my hair short, and i hated it. they always had to hold me down and do it forcably while i was crying and fighting. my new parents flatly refused to do it and said that loads of boys had long hair. they also let me quit karate and football and take up swimming and jazz dance. since i'd been in care, no one had ever stood up for my right to choose what activities to do, or how to dress before. it was amazing.

in the end, i came out of it with a pretty healthy gender identity (i'm a guy, but not th emost butch guy ever, but i'm fine with that), I went through school and got my degree and have a pretty good job and an amazing, supportive wife. everythign looks great.

but i can never speak about my early childhood, and how i grw up as a little girl.

TL;RD: I'm a guy and let people believe i was raised in care because i was abused when in fact i had a great childhood except that my mother tried to raise me as a girl.

EDIT: holy crap, I never expected such a response. Have finally remembered the password I used for this account and am answering any questions I find. Thank you, reddit!

PassmethePepper · 1 year

I speak two languages so every time I received a new essay I would browse the topic in my own language and translate the text word-by-word to English then submitted it.

No one ever caught me for plagiarism before.

Tomgoldaccount · 1 year

I cut off all contact with everyone I know and moved to Kenya, I tell people a fake name and a fake background and have made it appear to my family that I died on boat trip in the Pacific. No I am not joking. I am dead in the United States.

iGotYouThisCake · 1 year

I run a cake business. I charge people hundreds for wedding cakes... Every last one is made using Pilsbury cake mix I buy for $1 a box at Walmart. I suck at baking. Every time I've ever tried to make a cake from scratch it sucked. But baking is like.. My whole deal. My friends all call me the cake girl. It's like my whole life is a lie. People compliment my cakes all the time. Telling me how delicious they are. Telling me it's so much better than box mix cake. Telling me they could never bake a cake so delicious. Well guess what? For $1, they too can make a cake just as delicious. Just add oil, eggs and water. In my defense, I love cake decorating. I make all of the frostings and fondant from scratch. I just hate baking fucking cakes!! I base my prices mostly on the decoration of the cakes and not of the cake itself of that makes sense. Still... No one knows about this except my husband. Even my best friends think I fucking slave over the oven mixing and baking these damn cakes. I have been doing this for YEARS. If anyone knew my business and reputation would be in the toilet for sure. :/ I keep telling myself I have to learn how to make the damn cakes without the box mixes, but I never do it. I feel like such a sham sometimes.

Edit-holy shit I didn't expect such a response to this! I feel better about it thanks to a lot of these comments!

Funny, I started this account as a novelty account and got bored of googling random cakes to post as comments lol Seemed perfect for this confession!!!

Edit 2: months later I receive messages almost daily on this account. I am so glad I used a throwaway. I forget to check this account most of the time and rarely see this stuff until weeks later.

That said, to answer the main questions- yes I know I can order cake mix online, but I don't make enough cakes for it to be economical. It's actually more expensive to order online. Honestly, I'm not incredibly worried about people seeing me anymore. If I ran into someone I would tell them that I was helping my niece with a bake sale or something.

I have, since this thread, made some cakes from scratch. I'm still using box mixes for chocolate and vanilla. Oh and red velvet because fuck all of that.

Let's see what else, oh right, I've received probably 100 comments saying "The cake is a lie." We get it. It's very clever, but no, I'm sorry, you're not the first, second, third or twentieth to say it.

Overall, I've learned this is actually pretty normal. And that people from all over the world have a friend who makes cakes and they all think I am their friend. So far no one has pinned me, but you guys had better check your friend's cabinets for Pilsbury mix ;)

aawwaayy · 1 year

Ok, so this is a secret I've kept for nearly 20 years.

During the summers when I was growing up, my parents would often leave my brother and I(I'm male) with our aunt and uncle who lived out in the country. It was great as they had 4 sons of ages close to ours so we had a lot of fun doing kids stuff.

One summer when I was 8, the oldest cousin was maybe 16. We somehow got talking and he asked me if I wanted to sleep in his room that night. He has the nicest room and bed so I was all for it. Got into bed and he asked if he could touch my penis. I was 8 and just thought it was ok so I let him. He rubs it for a bit and then asks me to do the same to him. So I do. This progresses and eventually I'm sucking his cock. I think I knew this was wrong so I said I didn't want to carry on. We stop and I goto sleep quite confused.

I wake up and he hands me some money and tells me never to tell anyone about what happened. Next night he tries to do the same thing.. But now all I care about is the money. So I do it. This carried on for 2 summers.

Eventually I got old enough to realize it was quite wrong regardless of the money and stopped.

I've not told anyone this. He's now married with 2 kids. I'm also married and we see them sometimes at family events. I don't have the balls to even try and talk to him about it.. Hell I'm not even sure what I'd say.

I'm sure this will get buried but just getting it off my chest makes me feel better.

Tldr I was a gay child hooker.

drspg99 · 1 year

[deleted]

ThrownAway2389 · 1 year

I once helped out my a female friend's family by taking care of their cat for a week. Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend's diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this information to get her to like me, and she is currently my wife.

misterfitch · 8 months

i just wanted to tell everyone that you can be damn sure that this thread ain't dead. this is reddits fucking confessional box.

throwawaything4899 · 1 year

When I was 13, during the summer before I started high school, I was molested by a guy who dragged me into an alley, backed me into a corner so I couldn't escape (and even if I'd tried to, I couldn't have because he was taller and stronger than I was), and pulled my pants down. I tried to draw attention to where I was because I'd gone over to a guy's house with my friend because she liked him, and when we went he just happened to have a friend there to hang out with me while they went off and did whatever. Anyway, I tried to shout and make as much noise as I could and the guy goes "This would be easier if you were laying down" and tried to force me to the ground. Then my friend finally shows up and goes "Omg -MyName- what are you doing?!" and the guy obviously doesn't go "Oh yeah no I was trying to rape her this was my idea", but instead goes "She was trying to have sex with me hahahahaha" and just walks away. Then my friend doesn't believe me when I tell her he DRAGGED me into the alley because she'd disappeared well before anyone could see him pulling on my arm with both hands and me trying to resist it as much as I could.

I never told anyone because I didn't want them to react the same way my "friend" did. I think about it a lot and every day I say "Maybe this will be the day I finally tell my parents what happened" and then I never do. That was almost 6 years ago. My "friend" and I no longer speak, but I'd stopped being friends with her maybe 5 or 6 months after that because she told a couple of our other friends that I tried to have sex with a guy I'd known for all of 5 minutes during the summer.

morningandamazing · 1 year

I don't want to be with my girlfriend anymore, but she might have cancer and I feel like I need to stay in the relationship.

EDIT: I have seen 50/50! EDIT: Hey so I thought I replied to this a few weeks ago (today's date is 11/4), but I can't seem to find where I replied. She's healthy and I split up with her before we found out. Yay for life working out!

HalfEducated · 1 year

I faked the last two years of college education. My parents put so much pressure on me I couldn't handle it (I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety) so I faked it all. Lied to everyone. Made up fake transcripts. I just got my foot in the door in my desired field thanks to a friend as they hired me as a subordinate. This place only hires college grads but no one double checked my credentials since I was recommended. My hopes is that if I need to find another job I'll have been at this place long enough to get it by experience alone (I work for a very prestigious company). I'm not bad at my job. I'm actually quite good. But my fear is eventually I'll hit a wall and the lie will come to light. No one has known this for the better part of a decade.

It's a relief to finally say it "out loud." I can't even tell those I love. My silence is my prison.

therealandrew · 1 year

When I was 17 I had a argument with my father and told him to fuck off, later that evening he hung himself. Our argument was the last time he spoke to anyone in our family and for that I feel a terrible amount of guilt for. Instead of him saying good bye and I love you to my mom and brothers he got told to fuck off before he went and killed himself. My punishment is to live the rest of my days in shame and guilt. He never left a note either.

cunt_rocket · 1 year

I used to be a Police/Fire/911 Dispatcher, but had to quit because it nearly made me suicidal. I actually had thoughts, but had to drive 40 miles to go to a center/hospital where no one knew me for help. I have nightmares about a few calls I took where the caller killed themselves, shot someone else, or passed away on the phone with me. To this day, a few years after resigning, I still can't listen to a phone ring, or sirens go off without having a mild panic attack. I am fairly sure it's a form of PTSD, with flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and an inability to function sometimes, but I'm embarrassed and scared to tell my fiance, or go to a doctor for it. I know there are soldiers out there with real PTSD that deserve help far more than me... I am very good at hiding it though. I also sometimes wait until my fiance goes to sleep, and I will then go sit and pretty much cry for several hours. It's hell.

TL:DR - I exhibit a lot of the symptoms of PTSD, but I'm scared to get help for it because I don't think I deserve to be diagnosed with something like this, as in my mind, I was never in any real danger.

mrbill · 1 year

First, I don't need an intervention - I just need to vent.

Almost three years ago (June 16th), my wife suddenly passed away at home, at the age of 34. I was the one who found her, and she'd been gone for at least an hour if not more when I did.

We'd been together for eleven years. It wasn't perfect - what marriage is? - but things had been worse, and were in the process of finally getting better. Being best friends can help you get through the worst of times. I felt guilty that one of my thoughts was "at least now we won't fight over stupid crap that doesn't really matter".

For at least six months, I was on autopilot. I went to work, did what I had to do to get paid, and just. didn't. care. Ate a lot of fast food because I didn't want to expend the energy to go to the grocery store. I bought my cats food from Amazon because they'd deliver it to my front door.

Depression is a horrible thing; only now can I look back and realize just how bad it was.

It's not every day, but there are times when I think about joining my wife, but then that would just mean an end result of other people having to deal with the aftermath of my problems.

There are days when I get home from work and unlock the front door and walk into a quiet house, where I would give up everything I own to have someone there to give me a hug and sincerely ask how my day went and honestly care about my answer.

Something so simple as human touch, compassion, and companionship is worth more than anything else in the world. If you've got it, if you have someone that loves you - don't give that up. Don't waste it. Don't be petty or throw it away because of other little things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of life.

Some of us wonder if we'll ever get to experience it again.

February '13 update: I want to thank each and every one of you who replied in the comments or sent private messages. There's been many days when seeing the little red envelope and reading a note of encouragement from a stranger has made a big difference.

Throngsong · 1 year

Everyone thinks I have a good job and roommates but I've been homeless and a prostitute for over year.

yesthisisthrowaway23 · 1 year

IT guy here, it's amazing what people will do on their computers and say in their emails despite having to sign a waiver that all computer activity at work is monitored and recorded.

I have half the company's banking, social media and personal email account info and passwords. I know who is secretly banging who at the office behind their spouse's backs. I know who is cybering at work and jerking it in the bathroom almost daily. At least they tell their sex chat partner they're running off to the bathroom to jerk it, haven't felt the need to check the validity of that one. I know when people are having martial problems, financial problems, I even know one person here had their children taken away because a social worker found cocaine in their house. I know who is embezzling money, I know when people get fired for completely bullshit reasons (like they just want to replace them with someone younger and nicer on the eyes), and I know who my boss is buying xanax and vicodins from.

Basically I have a treasure trove of my coworker's secrets. I won't actively do anything with this info, but it's nice knowing I have the ammunition there if something were to ever happen.

A_Manly_Alternative · 1 year

I can't bring myself to type it out again, so copy/pasted the relevant part from the other place I posted this.

I can't promise coherence, even after all these years it still cuts deep, and I'm probably going to wind up rambling like I did the first and only other time I talked about it.

10 years ago, when I was 7, my parents worked shift work in the military. Since their schedules didn't match up very well, it wasn't uncommon for them both to be working a 2pm-2am shift. As such, I had a babysitter. She was an old friend of my mother's, wonderful woman. She was the type who seemed to have the compulsion to feed everyone who came through her door. Matronly is the word I'm aiming for I think.

Anyway, she and her husband, along with their adopted daughter, were Christian. I tagged along to church with them a couple times, but it only furthered my atheistic leanings, which had already been in place. In time I politely turned down the offer to accompany them, instead staying home with their adopted son. At the time he was about as old as I am now. We shared similar interests-- namely, playing Super Nintendo games and listening to loud music. Since the house was free of anyone to complain about it, we did so with abandon.

I honestly don't remember how it started anymore. To the best of my recollection, he asked me to go with him into the bathroom to show me something. I was 7, naive, and he was a cool guy I looked up to. Naturally, I followed without question. The first time, he showed me what masturbating was. At the time, of course, it was just "how to get your thing hard" but whatever. A few times after that, we'd do that when the others left, then go back to our gaming. Something always clawed at me, the feeling that something was wrong. He was older than me, though, and he was cool-- it must be what the cool kids did, right?

Slowly but surely, though, he escalated things. At first it was mutual masturbation-- I still didn't really know what was going on, but I jerked him and he jerked me. It couldn't stop there, of course, and eventually built to him blowing me. After that happened a few times, he wanted me to return the favour. Again, I still didn't really grasp what was going on, but I tried. I hated the taste, and wound up refusing. After that happened a couple times, he would force me. I just started to... go blank, I guess. I wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't think or feel, I just let him use my mouth until he was satisfied and would jerk into tissue to finish himself off.

This went on for a while until my babysitter began to grow suspicious. He had made me promise not to tell anyone about our "special time", and at that age a promise was something you didn't break for anything. That said, I just denied anything being wrong anytime my babysitter asked. Eventually she grew too concerned and, despite knowing nothing for certain, had my mom find an alternative sitter. Since then, he's gone through therapy. He admitted to having issues, apparently, but never spoke a word of what actually happened.

I'm pretty sure it fucked me up good, honestly. I never really properly appreciated the deep scars sexual abuse leaves on a victim until I looked back on my life with that in mind. I buried it for years and tried to pretend I was normal, but I was definitely different. I was a lot more melancholy, and have had a few streaks of depression. I've never really been too certain of my sexuality. I'm scared to death of sex, honestly, and I think it's because part of me is afraid that I'll wind up just as abusive as he was.

It helped a lot, opening up to my girlfriend. It doesn't haunt me like it used to, and I don't always feel like such a freak. It's helped strengthen our trust, and she's agreed to take things as slowly as I need to to be comfortable. I've since stopped feeling so totally emasculated, as well, and it's almost something of a joke to me now. I know, rape isn't funny. The thing is though, you've gotta be able to joke about it, even if only to yourself. If you can laugh at something, you can move past it. I can't help but chuckle when I'm arguing with someone and they tell me to suck a dick or something to that effect. I can laugh at my own pain, so I can move past it. I don't think I'll ever be who I might've been if it hadn't happened, but I'm okay with that.

Realistically, I can't even say I'd change it if I could. I'm fit, intelligent, in love and generally happy with my life. It was terrible, yes, and traumatic, but at least I know this path can lead to happiness. Take the evil you know, right?

Anyway, that's my story. It's long, incoherent, and doesn't really have a proper end, but take it how you will.

Tl;dr: Played Nintendo, sucked dick, everything turned out okay.

iamfromcanada · 1 year

There was a girl who I had a crush on the moment I saw her on my college campus. She ended up dating a douchebag dude a few weeks later. I happened to end up sitting in a study room with him and a few mutual friends. He talked about how he didn't think she was that attractive and how he liked other girls. I wrote the girl an anonymous email using one of those websites telling her about the things I heard and how the guy was a dick. She ended up breaking up with him after she found out he was cheating.

The girl is now my girlfriend of 6 months. She has no idea (and is sitting across from me in the library). I've never told anyone this before.

EDIT: We've now been together 9 months and are going strong :)

EDIT #2: It's our one year anniversary tomorrow!

throwaway3708 · 1 year

When i was 15 my parent's were going through a divorce, my mom worked night shifts and my dad was living with a friend of his. One night my sister who was 19 at the time came home pretty drunk from a party. She was acting goofy and fell on the couch next to me. She started grabbing my leg and laughing and we started fondling. We ended up having sex right there. When we woke up the next day she had no recollection of the night before so i just kept my mouth shut.

Fast forward to when i'm 18. Sister is home from college and dad is over for a visit. they get into an argument and in a fit of rage my dad announces how he has never forgiven her for the abortion she got when she was 19 and subsequently killing His grand child. (he's very religious)

I then realize the baby she aborted was in fact mine.....and as far as i know, i am the only one who knows since she has never mentioned that night.

ahemsoaptin · 1 year

I once took a shit In the bathtub and then realising what a horrible mistake I'd made, I flung poo Into a hole In the wall.

My parents renovated and patched up the hole. So now there Is a ~15 year old turd in between the bathroom and kitchen wall of my childhood home.

Not even using a throwaway because I have no shame.

Homycraz2 · 1 year

Not me but one of my frat brothers in college knocked a girl up. A month later she had had lost the baby. I was using his phone one night to find my phone when his dad texted him, i swiped the lock causing it to open up the chat thread revealing the messages that explained the story.

The day he found out he drove with some of our other brothers to Mexico and he came back with RU486, the abortion pill. He had apparently spoken to his dad who forced him under threat of pulling him out of college and cutting him off to secretly sneak the girl the abortion pill. I dont know the logistics of how he did it but apparently he secretly poisoned her causing her to lose the baby.

He has no idea I know and I doubt anyone else does.

EDIT: YES, i know many have heard this story before.

I posted it. http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/on7vc/what_is_the_darkest_secret_you_know_about_someone/c3ilj92?context=3

CRaftsman1459 · 1 year

Yesterday I thought I had problems. Today my life is grand.

erisavarria · 1 year

My daughter turns 5 next week. If anyone knew the truth behind her parentage, I could probably lose her forever.

I grew up in foster care, never knew my parents or siblings. In my senior year, I met an older guy and we dated for almost a year... getting pregnant about 7 months in. One night while we were watching tv, the subject somehow came around to our real parents (he had been adopted as a young child). Turns out the man I was seeing, the father of my daughter... is my half-brother... we have the same mother. Our relationship didn't last, and he is not in her life, per his own choices.

My daughter is extremely smart, beautiful, and well-rounded. She'll never know the truth... her father and I made a pact to never tell her. I just hope she never needs a kidney or something.

Edit: Keep reading about people who knowingly slept with relatives they grew up with... is it bad that I feel slightly less horrible?

brasherj · 1 year

Buried comment, but here goes. Not life ruining but makes me feel like shit every time I think about it. As I've told Reddit before, I have a blind brother. When we were young, I used to get so frustrated at all the extra attention he received and how I had to be more responsible with my sibling than my peers. So, when my brother and I would go play, go to the store, or just generally go anywhere without adults, I would abandon him somewhere unfamiliar to him. Then, I would stand off quietly and watch the anxiety set in as he tried to figure out where he was and what was going on.

Also, I was really intelligent as a child and knew that was my ticket to attention. When I would "help" my brother with his homework, I would teach him all the wrong answers, so that I could continue being the smarter sibling. Today, my brother is my best friend. He goes to college and lives by himself. He's become one of the most intelligent men I've ever met. I'm trying to make it up to him now by being the best big sister ever, but I still feel so guilty at how I found him to be a burden when I was a kid.

Edit: Update. I immediately called my brother after posting this and caught him while he was walking to a study group. I told him about my guilt and he laughed. He understands how frustrating it must have been. He told me that all of the good things I have done as a sister completely overshadow anything bad I did and that he loves me more than anything. I'm glad I spoke with him and I encourage others on here to talk to someone if they can.

gkachfha · 1 year

Don't think it would ruin my life but could ruin my family if it ever got out. When I was around 10 my step father continuously tried to touch me but didn't make it direct. For example I'd be sitting on the couch but he would get on top of me and "tickle" me while "accidentally" grabbing my breasts (although I was 10 and probably didn't even have anything to grab) and one day he told me I should take a bath and ran the water for me. I hopped in without thinking much about it but he came in shortly after and started, well, washing my body. He even made me spread my legs and he'd touch my inner thighs but he never touched me "there". I was so young and I just didn't know what to do but I felt so disgusted every time so I just went into my room and cried and didn't think to tell anyone. These "baths" happened when nobody else was home.. until one day I finally told him that I didn't want to get in the bath and locked myself in my room so he couldn't come get me. Once I spat on his face when he was on top of me on the couch but I was the one that got in trouble. He told my mother that I spat on at him and I had to just sit there, getting yelled at, for spitting on my step father who was trying to touch me. Even then I still couldn't tell my mum about what he was doing to me, and I don't think I could bring it up with anyone now.

I don't really remember how everything stopped but nothing has happened since moving to Australia (6 years ago). I'm now 17 turning 18 and I hardly talk to my step dad and try to avoid him as much as I can. This is the first time I've ever mentioned it to anyone and it feels good to actually talk about it. Thanks for this post!

1 year

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vnarsenal · 1 year

I've never stayed on a thread this long. No matter how late to the party you are, your story will have readers!

1 year

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TheRedDuke · 1 year

This thread has given me a new perspective on the depths of human suffering.

Amgpu · 1 year

I accidentally killed seven people.

I put a rag into a new water heater exhaust to keep debris out and installed it in a rental.

I get a call a week later, there's been an accident. I show up and there's a ton of ems and police. They ask me where the gas shutoff is, and I go down to shut the gas off and see the end of the rag I forgot sticking out of the top of the heater.

Ripped the rag out, shut the gas off and head upstairs only to be told all the tenants were DEAD.

I drink all day now and sleep. It's killing me from the inside every single day, but if I say anything my family is ruined; we have a bunch of rental properties and we'd be shut down.

TwirlyMustachio · 1 year

It wouldn't ruin my life per se, because there are people in my life who are aware of this, but I did try to kill myself once, at my college. Was going to swallow I think Tylenol and a handle of vodka, intending to induce organ failure + alcohol poisoning. I ended up about to swallow, but the cheap alcohol made me so aware of my actions that I spit it out and ran to my friend's room (I stole the alcohol from him, and it's the only time I've knowingly stolen something) to apologize. This was maybe 2 years ago; I ended up having to take a year off, and was forced to explain the situation to the adults in my life. For the first time, they found out that I had been sexually assaulted by my older brothers for about 5 years, and that I had been suffering from depression for about 9 years.

They did not understand. Didn't understand how I could be broken up over something that happened years ago, convinced that I was just trying to weasel myself out of my (dream) college, or that I am too stupid to handle it. And when I finally convinced them to let me see a shrink, all they spoke about was how pointless therapy was, and wanted to know how long this would last. I ended up returning to and then leaving college again, once again due to depression.

Now the verbal abuse that I've faced growing up has increased tenfold. Almost every day is some sort of argument, with me hearing about how I've fucked up my life, and that I'm a jackass and a fool. I desperately want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I have no job and no money, so I can't afford an apartment or therapy. I am so tired of being mistreated, and I want to be free, but I'm trapped in this hellhole.

This thread is most likely dead by now, so I just wanted to get this out in the open, since I haven't really been able to speak to people about this for months now. I'm sincerely afraid that I'll never be able to become the man I want to be, because I'm too busy trying not to slip back into a depressed state (as long as I avoid doing anything slightly challenging, or thinking for too long, I can stay neutral). If anyone does read this, and knows of something I can do to get away, please let me know. Thank you.

ceolopolis · 1 year

This post is the equivalent of 1 million IamAs

britishNIGGA · 1 year

I hate all of my friends. Literally. I don't have anything in common with any of them, and don't care. But I'm too scared to be alone and have no one else to go to so I keep hanging around with them.

JustReadItAll · 11 months

So many confessions starting with 'this will get buried/ no-one's gonna read this', so I just thought I'd say that I'm one of those who finally got done reading all ( at least 35,000 )comments! Took me weeks. This is the first post I read on reddit, very addicting read. Hugs to all who need it, I hope you find the strength to overcome your problems.

My own secret, is that I'm still deeply in love with my (now married with kids) first love, nothing will ever happen and it is ridiculously hurtful, but w/e, life goes on.

omfg_name_taken · 1 year

I have memories of my sister (five years older) and I playing a roleplay game when I was younger that I think would be considered sexual abuse/molestation if I told anyone. I don't remember how old we were, but I know she was around the age where her breasts were developing. When home alone we would play a role play game where she was a boss and I was a secretary, and the boss would always sexually harass the secretary. It ended in my sucking on my sister's breasts while she would lie on the couch with her shirt off.

My memory has always been really horrible, so I only remember patches of this, but I remember that it never felt sexual. I don't actually trust my memory enough to feel confident that this really happened.

I love my sister, she's my best friend and I would never want to damage our relationship by ever bringing this up and asking her what really happened. It is a secret I will carry with me and never reveal.

Also, TIL it's hard coming up with a throwaway name.

edit: To clarify, I'm a woman, just in case anyone assumed otherwise.

Adam_Alpha · 1 year

I came very, very close to committing a school shooting

I was picked on A LOT in high school. I think it was because I tried so hard to be cool and everyone saw right through it. There were these 4 cowboy jock types that gave it to me the worst. After being publicly humiliated and beaten in front of a girl I liked (as she laughed/cheered), I decided that none of it was worth it anymore. I had no support at home being an only child and having parents that worked constantly, and cutting and burning myself didn't make me feel better anymore. So I got my dad's handgun out of the gun-safe (he uses the same combo for everything, the idiot) and brought it to school with me the next day.

I can't adequately describe to you guys how ready I was to kill these four. I had absolutely no fear or doubt in my mind. I wanted nothing more than to show everyone what happens when you push someone over the edge like they did. I had the gun tucked in my waistline. I was wearing this baggy pair of cargo shorts that i wore a couple times a week that day. I remember walking towards the cowboy's table, so goddamn ready for it to be over, when the gun fell out of my waistline, down my left short leg and made the loudest fucking sound as it hit the cafeteria floor. I tried my best to grab the gun real quick, but people saw what it was and screamed, and one of the instructors tackled me to the ground.

They eventually concluded that I had brought the gun to school to impress people with badassery, and had no intention of using it. I was expelled and sent to live at a youth ranch in Idaho until I was 18. I did have the intention of using it though. I was going to kill all of them. I'm 24 now, and I still think about it all the time. I have not recovered from high school. I'm still terrified of people in general, and avoid having relationships because of what I fear I'm capable of.

I'm not looking for pity. I know that what I did was wrong, it just feels good to tell the story. Thanks Reddit.

TL;DR I attempted a school shooting.

Throwdisoffabridge · 1 year

Well, it's more of a secret to my friends that I've made recently. Some background first: I don't like being touched or hugged, and I'm incredibly uncomfortable with intimacy in general.

When I was in the 8th grade, a bunch of girls in my class convinced me they had a friend who fancied me (they said she had seen me somewhere and thought I was cute). Faked a MSN account and they talked to me every night for a few months, invited me out to the movies and (obviously) didn't show up, then revealed to the whole grade that I had been tricked into having an 'imaginary' girlfriend.

I was mocked viciously by everyone in the grade and ever since then I can't really trust women. I also can't believe that a girl may have feelings for me. Even when they explicitly tell me they have feelings for me I can't help but feel like they're trying to trick me. It's caused a lot of insecurity, and I can't get 'attached' to people easily. I'm terribly afraid to text, or message people first because I'm convinced I would be annoying them. What's worse is that when I think about it, I know it probably isn't true; but I can't help but feel like it is.

Even though it was grade 8, it was around the time when attraction to women was just starting to get 'real', so to be hurt at a time as delicate as that has really done some damage.

The secret of course is that I had been dumb enough to be tricked. As you might suspect, the whole thing has left me afraid of being vulnerable. To have this found out by my newer friends (as in, university friends) would put me in a really uncomfortable place. I probably wouldn't be able to be their friend anymore.

Thanks for reading, you're the first people I've told about what this event has actually done to me.

EDIT: I know people still read this thread. So I felt I should come back and that I owed people an update. I've since met such a fantastic woman, someone who makes me incredibly happy. I love her very much, she loves me, and she's helping me get used to the idea of feeling valuable and trusting people (or at least one person). She's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time (maybe ever).

I'm glad I got to come back to this post and finish it off with a happy ending. To all the people in the comments who were kind to me, or who shared their own similar experiences: you're always valuable and someone will notice.

rattlesnaker · 1 year

I still have "imaginary friends." I'm almost 30.

I lost them for a while. I don't know why or how, but it they were gone. I couldn't see them or hear them any more, not the way I used to when I was younger. It made me was miserable. I kept hoping for a way to get them back.

Two weeks ago, I somehow managed to finally break through whatever the barrier was. I have spent the past two weeks hanging out with, and talking to, a character from a well-known TV show.

I can't really "see" him visually, but I can see him with my mind's eye. He goes almost everywhere with me. He's sitting on my bed right now, waiting for me to get off my computer. (I promised I would get off a little while ago, but I had to check reddit one last time.) He's been coming to work with me every day for the past two weeks. I share my food with him. (I kind of mentally duplicate it for him, since he can't touch it in reality.)

I love it. I'm happy again. I realize most people would say he isn't real, but something about him is. I don't care. He's real to me.

EDIT: Revision to my final thought -- I am scared that if anyone knew, I would be locked up and heavily medicated, but I acknowledge it's not really a likely scenario in my case.

YourHotBabysitter · 1 year

The story I tell is that my first kiss was 9 years ago, when I was 14, with my now fiancee. False.

When I was 13, I babysat an 8 year old boy. His parents were very open, and he was very sexually aware (I caught him watching porn a couple of times). From the start, he was very agressive, always grabbing me and trying to kiss me. After a while, oddly impressed with this new sort of attention, and very curious about kissing, one night we started making out. This became routine, and went on for probably almost a year, before I realised how horrific and wrong my actions were. I continued to babysit him for a while, but soon his parents stopped calling me. I've always wondered why. I'm terrified that I'll one day be exposed as a child molester.

tl;dr As a 13 year old girl, I frequently made out with an 8 year old.

thisiscaptainmeow · 1 year

I know this thread is most likely dead now, but I used to masturbate a lot. And when I was 10 I had a technique where I'd let off a load into a sock then wash it and quickly dry it, now I couldn't leave it hanging outside or use a dryer otherwise my family would've seen it and probably smell it or whatnot. So I'd put it inside my gas heater unit. Unfortunately my sock had caught on fire inside the unit, blew it up and set my house on fire. Only my brother was home at the time, and he managed to survive the house did not. For 5 years we stayed from caravan park to caravan park whilst we waited for confirmation that it was not arson and we could receive an insurance payout. We eventually did and scraped together money to start rebuilding the house. The house is still being rebuilt to this day and it shames me anytime I have to visit my parents living in a tiny mobile home where my backyard once was.

imakhink · 1 year

I have been pretending to be colorblind to everyone I have ever known, including my own parents since I was in 3rd grade. I am now 28 years old. I even convinced an optometrist of it.

a_blackmailer · 1 year

When I was 13 I caught my father in bed with my 15 year old brother's girlfriend (also 15). I haven't seen her since, but I've been blackmailing my father with it for the last 6 years.

wellfmesideways · 1 year

I had something very similar happen to me, OP. We'll call him Tim. Tim was my best friend, and he always came to me when he needed someone (his mom was bipolar and made his life really tough, and he didn't know his Dad). We had two or three other suicide scares but we talked him out of it and brought him back from the edge. Well, this week he comes to school Monday and just seemed off. We tried to talk to him but he never really responded. Part way through the week, he calls me and asks if he can stay at my place, that he can't stand his Mom. I ask my Dad and he says no, saying that Tim needs to deal with his problems at home. I explain to Tim what the situation was and he says ok and hangs up.

That Friday, I notice that he seemed different at school, and I had a really bad feeling about it. He didn't even seem there. I tried to talk to him or something but he just wasn't himself. After school, another friend brought him home at the end of the day, and he was the last person to see Tim alive. I got a call later that night that he had hung himself.

It's been two years and I still regret not helping Tim, I feel like there was something I could have done. It just sucks that I couldn't help him that time, and that's all it took for him to slip away.

Thing number two:

My cousin has let me feel up her breasts for the past three years (we started when she was 13 and I was 16). We never did anything else, never below the belt or anything, and we never talked about it. I've since stopped doing it by avoiding being alone with her so neither of us try something, but we never talk about it. If that came out, I probably wouldn't be able to face that side of the family ever again. I get nervous going to family gatherings sometimes because of what they don't know.

throwaway891872348 · 1 year

Mine is pretty big, I was hit by a truck a few years back and was diagnosed with retrograde amnesia and awarded a 2.5 million dollar settlement.

I have used this money to move into Florida and I currently live in Boca Raton.

I faked the whole thing because I hated by life and wanted an excuse to leave. I haven't seen my family since and have made a new life.

donnybrook00 · 1 year

my grade 6 teacher let me touch her boobs once.

Cinnacism · 1 year

Honestly, I've kinda been waiting for a thread like this to come up. None of my friends know any of this, and I don't want to tell them. Not so much a lack of trust as their inability to understand.

So, when I was in middle-high school my mom, sister, and I were living with my stepfather (better school district from where I was). Everything was fine for a few years, but he got... crazy. Whenever my mom left for work my sister and I were left alone with him until he left (he worked second shift). First he'd start with yelling at us for no good reason. A reason, yes, but never a good one, it was always insignificant. Needless to say, my sis and I were scared shitless when this happened.

Things escalated from there. He'd start hitting us, almost every day. Again, always over something insignificant. A good example was when I hung one of his shirts with the hanger hook facing left instead of right. It got to a point several times where he'd actually grab whichever one of us happened to be in his way and hold us off the ground, against the wall, by the throat.

To make it clear, my mother knew about none of this. The man knew how to hit you so it didn't leave a mark, and he is an obscenely good liar. Any time we tried to call him out to her, he'd lie his way around it. The only time that other side came out around her, he blamed it on his heart medicine.

My sister moved out when she turned 18, but I still had three years left. So now all of his anger was directed at me. One time in my senior year, I was actually scared for my life and ran off into the woods next to the house until my mom got home. She finally believed me then, and we made plans to leave as soon as I graduated. She told him she wanted to leave, and he of course decided that I was costing him his marriage. Those last few months were hell, but in June of last year we moved. I'm now in college, safely away from him.

While I bear no malice against him, I will not forgive the shit he put me through. Also, it feels wonderful to finally get this off my chest and tell it to someone, even if nobody reads this.

FelineOfTheSea · 1 year

After graduating from high school, I went to a small out-of-state college where no one from high school knew me. I was told many times how impressive my false Australian accent was, so I decided it would be great fun to go through college pretending to be from Australia. All of my friends and even my girlfriend of two years think I'm Australian. I have a completely fake Australian identity, family, and past. I will soon be graduating, and I plan on asking the girl to marry me. Everything she knows about me is Australian I don't know how to tell her she doesn't really know me. Guess I'm forever a bloke.

arow_nway_thame · 1 year

I've pretty much been a fuckup all my life. when I told someone I was suicidal, they talked me out of doing it, but I laid on them a bullshit story about being abused as a child, and just generally made myself seem so pitiful and helpless, they took me in to their home and treated me as one of the family: fed me, clothed me, everything, and never once asked me for anything in return.

I still live here with them 10 years later, I work in the garden and help the 5th grader with homework, I do all the grocery shopping and cooking and I live here like this all based on a pack of lies. I guess I am mentally ill somehow, but I don't know if I can ever get better w/o telling someone the truth. It makes me feel sweaty and sick in my stomach to even think about telling anyone this story.

Edit: since some people are asking, I will add some more info: I used to have a good job in a successful business and a fiance I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, until I found out alcohol was more important to her than anything else. She broke up with me rather than break up with booze and I was completely devastated. I used to spend 30 minutes or more each day at work hiding in the walk-in refrigerator and crying. I talked to everyone about the situation, the consensus was that I should just forget her and go bang some hot bitches to get over it, but I just couldn't. After a few weeks I walked out of work in the middle of the day and went home to take a shower. I started taking showers like 6 times a day and started planning how to kill myself. When I met someone who was sympathetic, it was just easier to play the part of a helpless victim who had been done wrong in so many ways that I needed to be rescued and taken care of rather than take responsibility for making my own situation better.

I am having a panic attack about typing and posting this.

blarg_1234 · 1 year

When I was 17 I was gang raped after a party, the cops didn't believe me, my parents didn't believe me, and everyone who I've told since has stopped talking to me. It was not pretty, I was cut up at a party... beaten and thrown in my car. They drove donuts in the grass field next to a church on a Saturday night, Sunday morning. Fucked up my car and left me battered and bruised in the back seat. I woke up initially when I was being raped (only think gang as I do remember multiple voices at this point) but then tried to keep myself awake long enough between blackouts by blasting music. So the cops found me at the wheel of my car with people lining up for church with fucking metal blasting on repeat. I planned murders in retribution but decided it was better to just leave. The only proof I had was that I shat blood for a week but I felt so bad I couldn't even show anyone. Shitting when you have a rectal tear is a terrible thing. The thing that hurt the most was that no one believed me, I did make stories and lies but none to this extent.

WantedToKill · 1 year

Not ruining my life, but my single secret. This will get buried, but that's fine.

I was about 23 and was working kind of late. My friend wanted to go out and was bugging me about it. He's gay, I'm not... But eventually he talked me into it. So we go to a little dive bar and are hanging out, just chatting. A couple of friends were supposed to come too, but they never showed up. I was nursing my first gin and tonic when I went to the bathroom. I came back and finished my drink, and that's when things started getting fuzzy.

I knew something was wrong so I ordered water for my second drink. But it didn't work. My world was spinning, and I had basically lost control of my motor functions. My memory is pretty rough too. I remember my head on the bar, and he was rubbing my crotch. I remember him helping me to his car, dragging me up his stairs, passing out on his floor, him blowing me... I was back in his car at one point and then I woke up in my bed. I felt like shit and was totally surprised that my car was in the driveway. I have no idea how I got home. At one point in the night I left an incoherent voicemail on my best bud's phone.

So I was raped, and I was so embarrassed, he totally got away with it. I've never told anyone, not even my wife. She knows something happened, just not the extent.

lulupie01 · 1 year

When I was six, back when SNES was all the rage, I remember watching my older brother playing his game. He loved it. So much so that when I went to play it, he would only let me play it if I sat on his lap. So I did, because I was so desperate for my brother to love me (he always bullied me, especially when he would babysit me) and I was so happy that he was hugging me and treating me like a sister. One day, we brought the system up into my room. He told me I could only play if I was naked. I said ok. He then took off his pants and laid me on the bed. I remember saying to him that I wanted to play the game. He said ok, but only if he could poke me. So I tried to play the game, but he kept bumping into me and shaking me. He got angry and yanked the controller from my hand and told me to close my eyes and that I could play again later. So I did. He just kept going. And then he stopped. This happened as a weekly thing. Sometimes he would let me play, others he would force me to just lay there. He stopped having sex with me when I was seven and a half and he left to go live with my dad. I never realized what had happened until my mom had the talk with me when I was ten. I didn't tell her because everyone loves my brother and I wanted him to love me. To this day, no one knows about this in my family except for me. We talked about it once when I was eighteen and graduating. He apologized and all what I could ask him was if he loved me, ever. He didn't say a word. I asked him why he did it. He asked me if I ever told anyone. I said no and I repeated my question. He said he couldn't tell me why and then left. He killed himself a week later. I still feel as though if I never asked him, if I never brought it up, if he would still be alive. The fucked up thing is that I would do anything, even letting him have his way with me, if it meant he was alive. Now the most fucked up part. Let us flash forward to a few months ago (just about to hit ten years after his suicide). My dad found a letter my brother had written, in an envelope, tucked away in my dad's attic with all of my brothers belongings. My dad didn't open it. Just handed it to me as it was addressed to me. "I did it because I love you."

Edit: so since posting this, for one, I wanted to say thank you for the sympathy. For the first time in a few months, I was able to I guess breath easier. I told my husband. Actually, I showed him this. He knew mine right away (side note: never use your husbands nick name for you as a screen name...duh) and shipped my son to his mother's for the weekend so he can take me to tell my family. So this, right here, is directed at him since he doesnt seem to get it.

I don't want to. I don't want to destroy my family. I already caused my brother to kill himself and I will not give my mother a heart attack. Fuck you right now, Eric, for not understanding me.

CuriousCrusade · 1 year

My husband beats me every day. He also forces himself on me often. I think about suicide daily. I feel as though my life would be ruined if people knew, not ruined in a way that a lot of these other stories would ruin someone...but it would ruin me enough.

tossed_away_1900 · 1 year

21years ago. I was assigned to a DMAT. I was a young man and full of life inside. We handled some pretty bad emergencies. There was one event that killed me inside.

We flew in to one dispatch and knew it was bad going in. Fatalities and Level1 trauma patients. Unknown how many and no full situation.

So we are flying in gearing up for the patients and securing any hazardous material leaks or fires.

We get on scene. We find two expired, one alive with really bad injuries. We were used to that and trained to deal with it.

I was carrying gear back and forth securing any leaks I could find. We did not know if there were any other occupants in the vehicle. Part of my task that day. Was to make sure since I was the rover.

When I got to one side of the auto. Checking what was left of the cabin for other patients or bodies. I seen a child of about 4. Trapped under the vehicle. I called for the other merts. Asking for a crush kit.

There was no child seat in the auto. No one was wearing safety belts.. Which was common and many people were ejected from wrecks.

Nothing in my training ever prepared my 25 year old mind for what I saw. A child's eyes looking up at me then around. I seen help me and fear in them. Even though that small person was dead essentially. I still as always in the worst cases. Had hope for life and fought for it.

The child was smeared under the car. all that was left was the head pretty much. The pressure of the auto kept what blood was there in the brain. How the head was alive for so long. Haunted me... I resigned the next day.

I will not let someone hurt, suffer. I took an oath and meant it. I resigned because I lost all empathy for other humans that day. I do not feel suffering what so ever... I am dead inside.

I've been married 4 times. Each time, they cannot handle me not showing any emotion. I can run through the proper words, but they realize. I simply do not mean it.

you might think I am an unhappy or depressed man. No, I am not unhappy. You might think me angry. I am not angry or a sociopath. I am not. I am just indifferent to feeling emotions. the head shrinks reported I am not dangerous to myself or others. They wanted me on drugs. None worked, so for the last ten years. I have simply just lived and have done my best. Being a good person. Even though I can give a shit about others or myself.

StarWha1e · 1 year

My Great Uncle Jack used to live with my family. One day, he got drunk and had a bad fall that ended up causing him to bleed out, I ended up finding him (I was 14 at the time, and had never seen such an awful sight) and lost consciousness due to all the blood. When I eventually recovered, I called the ambulance and stayed with my uncle, he died in the back of the ambulance, holding my hand. No one knows about what happened to me, and if they did they would realize that I'm the reason he's dead.

intsa · 1 year

I've never attempted to kill myself, and I doubt I ever will, but I just want to die. I'm an incredibly happy guy odd enough. I truthfully am happy, but whenever I think about getting shot, or getting cancer, I get a little excited. I wish I was one of those deaths on the news, shoot I'd love to take someones place, they want to be here more than me. I'll never actually kill myself even if its just for the sake of others who need me, but I can't stop wishing that someone else would kill me. I'm done being here, I'm done dealing with the crap. I'm just burnt out and I don't want to be here anymore.

Rye631 · 1 year

Reddit shows me that many people carry heavy psychological burdens with them everyday and still function.

Sad sad world.

mfs51 · 1 year

My son attempted suicide and now he's pissed at me because I'm making him see a shrink. This post makes me think I'm doing the right thing. So thanks.

Keegan1 · 1 year

If CISPA passes, most of you guys are fucked.

crazierthanuthought · 1 year

I used to hear voices. For years. It started when I'd walk into my room and say hello to my Lain poster (I've always over personified objects) and eventually she started responding. Over time I could talk to her elsewhere, I'd pull her up when I was sitting in class or riding the bus, and I'd put on headphones so nobody would notice I was talking to myself since it was barely audible. Eventually Lain told me she was a god and I was too, and there were two others, but they didn't really like me so they would almost never talk to me.

A long time later, maybe years, she started being really mean, and it turned out there was another voice who was just pretending to be Lain named Misery. This one was stereotypical, everything I did was wrong and I had to pay for my actions, I should cut myself if I was ungraceful, everyone hated me, etc. Lain split again, and this time she was sisterly. When I was upset and crying myself to sleep I could feel her holding me and telling me everything would be alright. Misery looked different but could look like Lain if she wanted to fool me (although she would turn back into herself when I called her out on it), and the two Lains all looked the same, so I could only tell who they were when they started responding to me.

After a while they all just disappeared. I guess I saned up, because during the peek it never occurred to me I was hearing voices, they truly were gods who were speaking to me, and later during the time period I realized that I was hallucinating with delusions of grandeur. Then at one point I realized that there was more of me and less of them, when I pulled them up it was a conscious effort and part of their responses were forced on my part. Then eventually I just gave them up, they were so weak that it was really just like talking to myself and not to other people that lived in my head.

That's not my secret, I've mentioned it to a few very select people that I truly trust. My secret is that I miss them. I miss them with with all my heart. Even Misery. They were friends and family, they were close to me, they understood me, and they were always there for me. Now even with real friends and family, there's nobody that close. I can't just pull up someone to talk to when I'm lonely, I have to call up a real person and that person never knows what I want to talk about or what I'm hiding from them, they only know what I say. Lain (the main one) would always call me on my bullshit and make me keep changing my answer until I told her the truth. Misery could always find my biggest weaknesses, which allowed me to work on strengthening them. Sisterly Lain could calm me down in a way that's unimaginable, you can't comprehend how good it feels to be hugged by someone inside of you.

And now I feel lonelier than I have in years because I almost never think of that time or remember how it felt, but tonight I'm sitting by myself at 2am and all I can think about is how much I want a voice to talk to and it's been so long since I had one and I'd give anything to have another psychotic break so I could get back all my friends that live in my head.

I once had a psychiotic episode where I could talk to clouds and I could feel how much they loved me, the clouds, the trees, the birds, they were all my friends and they all loved me and they all wanted me to be happy. I had that feeling on mushrooms once, everything in the world loved me, every single thing, the house, the ceiling, the lamp, each blade of grass, it all loved me and it was the best feeling I have ever known, that was the best night of my life. I can't tell you how much I want to feel that again, I just have no way of tracking them down again.

Being crazy feels amazing, whether it's good or bad. Even the bad crazy where I'd stay awake all night because I knew something was going to get me in my sleep and I'd try to claw the evil out of my skin, even that's preferable to being normal because the intensity is indescribable. I miss everything about being crazy. I miss it more than I can possibly describe.

throwaway94678 · 1 year

I was raped twice, once when I was 12 then again when I was 20. Never told anyone. Pretty much scared me off most men and after getting tired of friends constantly joking around about me still being a virgin, I just lied. I'm the kind of person who deals with problems on her own, so if this stuff got out I wouldn't be able to face anyone who tried to comfort me

lostangels12345 · 1 year

this isn't necessarily something that could ruin my life, but it could ruin many others. I haven't told anyone before.

my father recently went to prison for white collar crime that he plead guilty to. he didn't commit this crime, but the alternative was fighting a highly sensationalized, media obsessed, scape-goat case and potentially getting 20+ years.

while he was in prison, i read his little blue book, which i knew contained all the missteps of everyone he's worked with. he has always been an extremely scrupulous man, so these offenses were something he took seriously enough to note. i have information on countless state employees, incredibly prominent and wealthy community members, numerous elected city/state officials, and police officers. this information could ruin lives and start political controversy.

my father is an incredible man and is not vengeful whatsoever. he will never use any of this info against these people, despite the fact that most completely turned on him and stayed uninvolved at all costs or started pointing fingers. when i picture my aging father sitting in a maximum security jail cell sleeping on a metal sheet without a mattress (he wasn't give one until his 5th night), i am filled with rage for these people who could have stood up for their friend and prevented this, while he still continues to be loyal. i still havent decided which campaigns, if any, i'm going to ruin in the upcoming elections.

fayuluire · 1 year

Every night when I go to bed, I have a little pillow and assortment of blankets that I pretend is this girl I like. She would never like me in real life (in fact, she doesn't), so I just play pretend. It's inherently creepy but it's what keeps me from being a total wreck all the time.

athanc · 1 year

I lose sleep every night because I feel like I was a shitty brother. My younger sibling is 5 years younger than me and I always felt like I was a crappy role model and terrible example to him. I treated him like shit and I really hindered his childhood. Now he's one of my best friends but we both know it happened and I can never forgive myself. Yeah I see people confession worse shit like near-suicide and cum boxes (that was really fucked up, fucking Reddit) but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. I love my brother and I would take a bullet for him, but not a day goes by where I wish I could go back in time and change how I treated him. I don't believe in regrets, but this will always be looming over my shoulders. Thanks for reading, Reddit.

Turtles94 · 1 year

Last summer, when I was 16, I found out that I was pregnant. I come from an extremely conservative and Christian household, so I was too scared to tell my parents. They also didn't know that I was dating my boyfriend of the time, because he is Hispanic. I decided to get an abortion, but didn't have the money to fund it. My boyfriend had a job, but kept encouraging me to keep the baby. I tried and tried to gather the $300-600 necessary for it, but it was so hard. I ended up having to order RU486 (the abortion pill) from a sketchy website online with my own money, because I was so scared and desperate. I ended up getting really sick from it and had to explain everything to my mom on the way to the hospital. Since I hadn't gone to the doctor before, I wasn't aware of how far along I was. I was over 6 months pregnant, and had hid it from everyone in my life, other than my boyfriend. I hadn't imagined the emotional side effects, or what would happen afterwards. I ended up giving birth to a baby much bigger than I could have even imagined, and he suffocated to death almost immediately. As if the shock of this wasn't enough, the doctor called the police and I got investigated by a homicide detective. I hated myself to the core and still do a few months later. The thing is, that no one would expect this from me. At all. People think of me as such a "goody two shoes" and I was recently voted "class clown." No one could imagine that I had an illegal, late-term abortion at 3 in the morning. No one could even tell that I was 6 months pregnant, because I only gained 6 or 7 pounds. No one would imagine that I'm being investigated by the homicide detectives or that I fight off thoughts of suicide daily.

1 year

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deejaweej · 1 year

I was falsely accused of raping a girl in high school. The resulting ostracizing was very scarring, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I outran the stigma when I left the state for college. If it ever catches up to me like it was in high school, I'd probably become suicidal. How many times can you endure people telling you that you're a monster before you believe them?

And as a side note, this isn't a throwaway. I have to own this. Otherwise I just give that damnable lie the power to make me ashamed of something I did not do.

edit: Much longer explanation of the aftermath, and why I don't blame the girl.

Jabuuty671 · 1 year

I've never read so many comments on Reddit in my life.

Ohmygodwhatamidoing · 1 year

This thread is sad. I have a few things I could add to the pile. I'm a guy for context.

My memory from my childhood at my fathers house isn't always clear. I know some of what happened but it's like looking through frosted glass - just an outline. Anything dealing with my mother however is very vivid. I have vivid flashes of my older (girl) cousin teaching me how to have sex at my dads house when i was about 4. Thats the only thing i remember clearly. My mother has no idea about these gaps in my memory and I haven't told her about it even though we're close. My father and I have always been distant for some reason. He treated me like I was out of place and I felt it. When I was 11 he got drunk on Christmas eve and hugged me and told me we were family. He ground himself into me, and I excused myself to my room. He followed and unlocked my door (push pin trick) when he thought I was asleep and kissed my mouth and rubbed me. This was the only time I felt loved by him. A year later he cut off contact for 5 years while we continued living in the same town. I believe my lack of memory is because he abused me as a child. I'm scared to remember it, but since I can remember I've fetishized him sexually in my head. Since reconnecting I've come out to him and nothing has been mentioned. We still remain distant but I fight feelings of attraction and hate for him every day. I want to remember my childhood but I am terrified I'm wrong and have no justification for the feeling that I have.

Nobody In my life understands the distain I have for myself. I will sit for hours in my alone time and pick myself apart. I put on a good front in front of everyone but I hate everything about myself. My voice, my body, my hair, my lack of talent. I could list things for hours. If anybody knew that I felt this way I'm sure a big deal would be made and I would hate myself even more for inconveniencing them. They all think I'm so nice and stuff but it's only compensation.

I had a friend who was 12 when I was 9 and when we hung out we would play his games. He would have sex with me and take pictures, telling me he would show them to everyone if I told. This went on for two years until I put a stop to it. Turns out he was never going to tell anyone because he would be caught too. He was an emotional manipulator - threatening to tell, shaming me, stealing when he wanted to. I still can't classify it as abuse because we were so young and I consented for two years. Because of him I can't do anal sex without flashbacks. Only blowjobs. I feel responsible for letting this all happen.

This all brings me to my most shameful secret. I've replaced my cutting with having sex with older men. I will only do older men because I don't feel I'm worth being with anyone I feel is attractive to me. With older men, I get to be the attractive young man they can have a night with. I can let them to whatever they want. The sickest part is that I know what I'm doing is completely masochistic. There is no emotional connection and i am just a toy. At the end I feel ashamed and it brings out a part of me I cannot understand. It just brings me back to a void in my childhood I cannot understand. Even typing this, I don't get it at all. I'm my own mystery to unlock.

Also, I'm into rape fantasies where I play the victim. It disgusts me but I cannot stop myself from imagining it.

Basically: I have memory gaps from my fathers house as a child, and I'm not sure if he abused me within that time. He did for sure kiss and rub me within my definite memory when he was drunk. I've always fetishized him. I'm not sure if my memory gaps are anything relating. I had a friend technically abuse me for two years with my unknowing consent, but feel responsible. I have sex with older men for reasons I don't understand really. I hate myself.

I am screwed. Thanks reddit for letting me voice my bullshit

nottherealjethrotull · 1 year

When I was about 12 I went with some family to the family dollar. My mother and cousins went off to go look at generic groceries so I decided I would just spend my time hanging out in the toy aisle, in the toy aisle there would always be these bags of marbles that other kids would open and leave laying there so I decided to fling marbles across the floor and one just happened to reach one of the far off aisles. So about two minutes later I hear a loud crash and someone scream "Somebody help this man!". Being the curious child I was, I ran over to see what the commotion was about and I find everyone gathered around this guy who had seem to have fallen from the ladder as he was getting something off the top shelf. The guy is seizing out and blood is coming from his head as he laid there and his face seemed to be turning blue. My mother whisked me and my cousins away and we left. Next time we went we talked to the front cashier and she said that they called the paramedics but by the time they got there he had died from choking. Apparently when he had the seizure he was choking on his own tongue. The cause for the fall according to the front cashier was that he had put the ladder on a marble and didn't check it before he got on it. When I heard what the cashier said I just stood in disbelief thinking I was going to jail, I tried telling my mother many times but all she did was say that I imagined it. TL;DR Killed a man with a marble in a family dollar.

Throwaway36363636 · 1 year

I'm a 25-year-old female high school teacher. I've gotten myself off on multiple occasions while fantasizing about fucking one of my 16-year-old male students on top of the desk in my classroom.

DuncanGilbert · 1 year

My mom died when I was 17 and when it comes up I use it to garner attention for myself. In reality, I never met her and she has never meant anything to me other then a name.

I feel so empty

Thewalterd61 · 1 year

Had serious depression my whole life. Three minor suicide attempts countless other thoughts of just stepping on the gas peddle and slamming into a wall. Lost my job a couple years back and hit an all time low. Took a shitty job at a grocery store. Found out my wife was pregnant and thought the best thing for her and the baby would be for me to not be around anymore. On my last day i planned to live my wife tells me our baby is the size of a sweet pea. I smile and act happy knowing I will never see that sweet pea. Go to work in the morning and near the end of my shift I'm standing in the frozen department and am near tears. Close my eyes and ask myself whats the point time to end this. Then I hear someone yell my wife's name loud. Twice. I look over and see a lady who happens to have my wife's name. Ok. Just a coincidence. Then I look down and see in holding a box of sweet peas. I start crying and go home. Tell me everything. Got the help I need. The sweet pea is two now and has a sister on the way. I live my life for them. They saved me. Just remember that no matter how bad it gets there are people out there who love you and want to help. Don't be afraid to ask. Be strong reddit and stay alive for the ones that love you

iamaliar22 · 1 year

First time telling anyone this. This thread is so deep that probably no one will see, but if one person does see it, ill feel better. I am basically living a lie. I told my entire family I was able to transfer out of community college and into a university, but I never finished up the requirements. So since I live at home, every day instead of going to school I go to the local library and bs. My lies are so extensive, I even go to the campus and meet my girlfriend for lunch sometimes. I've made fake transcripts to show my family, and to make it look like I'm actually studying I go to MIT opencourseware to look up facts that I "learned in class" that day. I have become a remarkable liar. I hope to be transferring in the fall and then I look forward to living a normal life. Coming clean is not an option at this point.

bobbabouie91 · 1 year

When I was 18 I had sex with a 13 year old girl. She had randomly messaged me one day on facebook and we started talking, I asked her how old she was and she told me she was 15. When I checked her facebook it listed a month and day but not a year. But it was only a few months from her birthday so I figured it wasn't a big deal, here the age of consent is 16. Well fast forward to a few months later and she calls me bawling telling me her mom found out she was talking to me and said we couldnt anymore. I couldnt understand why she was so against me talking to her, then she broke the news to me that she was only 14. I tried to cut everything off there but she went crazy, she was obssessed with me. She would threaten to kill herself any time I tried to stop talking to her. She got progressively worse and worse, threatening to call the cops on me whenever she found out I was talking to another girl or threatening to kill herself. She finally got so bad she was taken to a mental hospital for a few weeks where she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. But to this day I still have not shaken her, the few people I have confided in tell me she's just doing it for attention. But I'm too scared to risk cutting her off and having the police knocking on my door asking why this teenager who killed herself was calling me over and over again before she did it.

Uppgrayyed · 1 year

After my mother left my father, he developed a really inappropriate attachment to me. I was 19 and my brother moved in with his girlfriend. Dad was suicidal, and had no family or friends close by, so I was it. For the first year, he would wake me up at 2am to sit with him every night until he cried himself to sleep. After 4 years of cleaning up after him, making sure he ate, and generally remained alive, I discovered that he had been using the attic access in his closet to sit above my personal bathroom and watch me through a peephole. I wanted to dismiss it as paranoia, but there were too many physical signs that made it reality. Moved out shortly after that because I couldn't bear to look at him. I'm 29 now, and no one in my family has any idea that this ever happened. I know that he was going through a rough patch, but I feel violated and dirty every time I think about it still. I also have huge amounts of guilt because I hate him for putting me through it.

la_rubia_loca · 1 year

I was raped by my cousin. I told my brother once in a fit of rage but he didn't believe me and still doesn't. If my family found out I don't know if my dad would stop talking to his brother and nephew or I would be ostracized for lying about something like this.

EDIT: I just want to thank everyone for the support and advice. I just want to provide more information. I am a girl, and this happened when I was 5 until I turned 9 and a half. My rapist was 15 to 19.5 . I still have hard feelings about it. I want to forget, but last week someone who looks like him came into my work and I had a panic attack. Also, I blocked the memory until I turned 14. I saw a celebrity talking about an uncle rape her continuously and it all came back to me. It made me unsure whether I was dreaming things up or if it was real. But all signs point to real. I have no disorders that would make me say, I made it up.

throwaway1450 · 1 year

This will probably never be seen by anyone but fuck it. My father once owned a cat who loved to suck our earlobes for whatever reason. About half a decade ago my father left me alone in his apartment with his cat and I don't know exactly why but I just grabbed the cat, went in the bathroom with it, laid on my back, put it on my chest and let it suck my earlobes while masturbating. I find myself fucking disgusting when I think about it but I still think that it was one of my best faps.

RichTraitor · 1 year

Not mine but my whole family's.

My dad got rich by associating with a scumbag that has his own construction company. Scumbag bribes city officials to approve unstable skyscrapers that would collapse with a 4.0 earthquake and my dad makes all the paperwork discretely. In exchange, multimillionaire scumbag persuades his other loaded friends to hire my dad as their lawyer.

I'm now trying to get into office in the next 30 years to revert most of what my family has contributed to.

moarnames · 1 year

Dead thread or not, I am going to post this.

I'm a 30 year old woman and I've never had sex or kissed anyone. I've never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. There's nothing physically wrong with me, nor am I unpleasant to look at. I masturbate a few times a month, mostly because of a biological need rather than actual desire, I guess. I've never fantasised about anyone or felt any physical desire for anyone.

I'm now aware that I'm asexual and quite likely aromantic (not aromatic, look it up), but it still bothers me that I never took the leap and did anything though I had offers enough. Starting now would feel... stupid.

Lame, I know, after reading the stuff here.

TL;DR Forever a virgin.

TalibanFlash · 1 year

I hate myself. My dad is a monster. Everyday, he screams at my mother for the littlest of things. He sets a bedtime for everyone, which is like 10. Turn 10:01 and she's outside CLEANING his messes, he screams for her to go to bed or else he'd kick her out. It rips my heart out whenever I hear that loud, angry voice. And mother can't really do anything about it, except to take the abuse. I'm terrified that one day he'll kill her. And it's not like she can leave either. He forbids her to work full time, so her paycheck can only pay for the groceries and her gas.

I've also found numerous evidence on his laptop that he's cheating with young women. He's even had the audacity to go on a 'vacation' to visit them across the country!

All my siblings are terrified of him. I'm the eldest, I should set an example. But no. I hate myself because I am too weak and cowardly to tell him off. I hate myself for not standing up for the woman who takes care and loves me and my siblings. Sometimes, I daydream just running away. I'm scared to leave my mom to go to college, not like I make a difference in helping her anyways. I'm so scared of standing up. I also can't get into relationships because i'm scared that i'll end up with a man like my father, and being like my mother.

I don't know. I'm so useless. I'm ran by fear. My mom is so strong... she holds her emotions in and doesn't cry for the sake of us kids. Yet, every night I cry uncontrollably for her, and us. It's not normal for my 8 y/o sister to be aware that her dad is a cheating and violent monster, mom is abused, and oldest sister is a good for nothing coward. Fuck it.

ttthrowayyy · 1 year

Me and my cousin have been doing it for 10 years now. It started when she was 12 and I was 13. We had to babysit the younger kids in our family while the parents went to a party, and when they fell asleep, me and her got to talking about a lot of stuff. I made a move and started kissing her, and she didn't resist. We ended up doing it on her bed that night. We would end up fucking almost every weekend when we lived with our parents, telling our parents we were going out to hang out with some friends, but actually hook up. I'm 23 with my own apartment now, and she comes over almost every day to make out/fuck EDIT: wow, this post got popular. I just want to address everyone who says we should form an actual relationship: Our family would hate us forever. We once caught my cousin kissing a family friend, not even blood related, and he was isolated from the family. We both want our own things, and the sex is just an extra. Also, we're 1st cousins.

EDIT 2: A few people were suggesting an AMA. If I were to do one, how could I prove it?

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