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Girlfriend has been raped and it's destroying me. (self.MMFB)

submitted ago by throwthisawayplx

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About 7 months ago I had just got out of a bad relationship and while at a show a girl introduced herself to me and really took me by surprise. I've gone through life being a fairly introverted person and the fact that a girl that I was definetly attracted to was making the effort to get my number kind of blew my mind. We talked and hung out a few times and I decided to ask her out. This whole time she seriously thinks i'm the greatest guy ever and she really seems to be crazy for me (which is weird for me). This girl would do anything for me.

Months pass and she tells me she had been raped prior to meeting me (i'm thinking it happened 4ish months before we met). She was 15 at the time and the guy that raped her was in his early 20's, it's really fucked up. It was her brothers friend and she never explicitly said so but i'm fairly confident she was drunk/stoned when it happened.

She said she was literally carried off by this guy kicking and screaming and thrown in a room as the guy proceeded to rape her. No idea to what extent, im afraid to ask. The dude leaves the party and says to her brother "dude i just fucked your sister."

This is all she told me about the incident itself but i was absolutly devestated. I almost broke up with her out of disgust and sadness that this sweet girl had gone through that but I just couldn't justify doing that to this girl that I care about.

I'm begging you to give me some advice. I've continued to date her and we have regular sex and we're both clean. She's 17 now and im 19 but it literally is constantly looming overhead. The fucker that did it was caught and paid something like 200,000 in bail and is now back out on the streets. i've never met him.

I'm seriously asking for help here. I feel like it is a huge setback and I find myself laying in bed at night with this feeling of absolute repulsion and anger about it. Theres nothing I could do to stop it I didnt even know her then but it just for some reason will not go away. It kills me. I try to be supportive and she doesn't seem to think about it much. But I know I do. almost daily.

TL;DR girlfriend was raped before I met her and the anger is constantly looming over my mind

MMFB reddit im begging you for advice in any form. Thank you.

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[–]PenisChrist 28 points29 points ago

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You need to get past this. She's trying to, and doesn't need you adding your issues to her grief.

I'm also a little confused as to why you'd want to break up with her because she was raped prior to your relationship with her? Afraid she's damaged goods?

[–]ek_ladki 6 points7 points ago

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Yes, exactly what went thru my mind after reading the post above, why would he want to break up with her? But it must be a very confusing time for the OP, with his anger at the incident. This anger is something for OP to work out on his own, more so because she seems to be wanting to and is moving on with her life. Maybe all she wants is a normal healthy relationship and not necessarily a partner to work out her trauma with.

My suggestion for OP is to talk to a counsellor and work on his own reaction. Perhaps he could eventually channel his strong emotions into a constructive format - for e.g. into helping out at an organization that helps victims, at some appropriate future point. Also talk to the counsellor for tips on how to be a good listener to the girl in a neutral manner, if she at some point she wants to talk more about the incident with the OP.

[–]throwthisawayplx[S] 4 points5 points ago

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At this point I am not going to break up with her over it. I would have done so long ago if I didn't care about her the way I do because this has been hurting me for a long time. Theres just a feeling that I've failed to protect her and it makes me angry to think how things could be different if this never happened. How could such disgusting things happen to this girl that I now know. It infuriates me.

[–]SeregKat 1 point2 points ago

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If it happened before you met her, there was nothing you could do to protect her. That is not your fault. You don't have a time machine.

What you do now is be there for her, and IF (and I sincerely wouldn't wish this upon her or anyone else) she is in danger or anything and if she cannot protect herself then you can protect her. Enjoy your time with her. I also agree: Talk to a counselor.

One thing is for sure (and I'm sorry to be harsh): If you continue on like this and don't move on and don't let her move on, you'll lose her. And even worse? She may not be able to be open about this in the future.

[–]TooGoodToBeGood 0 points1 point ago

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Kinda referencing another post below... and I really don't want to be critical on MMFB but this post kind of confuses me. I HOPE you are not angry and disgusted because you feel that she is "damaged goods." I'm only saying this because of the connotation of the word, "disgusted." If you were angry at the rapists and truly angry at yourself for not being there to protect her (which would've been impossible) then I just feel like you wouldn't have used the word, "disgusted." The question is whether or not you are in denial about the feeling or you just simply meant that you are disgusted by the individual who raped her.

[–]cherrymaelstrom 12 points13 points ago

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I was raped prior to meeting my boyfriend. You need to realize the more you bring it up the more flashbacks there will be for her. I'm trying to get over it, and after I took the step of telling someone, the less I think about it the better. Let her find her own way of coming to terms; it sounds like she already has. After that support her when she asks for it. If she's barely thinking about it and your obsessing, it's incredibly unhealthy.

[–]throwthisawayplx[S] -1 points0 points ago

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I know it is. And that's why I refrain from bringing it up to her. She doesn't know to the extent that it bothers me and I really don't want to bring it up for her sake and also my own. I get incredibly angry when it's mentioned (which is rare) the last time we spoke about it she was telling me how much she appreciated me caring about her after what she had been through. I really try to act like everythings ok and I DO support her but there's alot going on with me beneath the surface that I feel like is really tearing me apart.

[–]matjam 7 points8 points ago

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I feel like it is a huge setback and I find myself laying in bed at night with this feeling of absolute repulsion and anger about it.

Imagine how she feels.

Then realise that how you feel about it is insignificant compared to how she feels about it.

I'm usually non-critical on MMFB to people asking to feel better, but I have to say here mate that you're acting just a teensy bit selfishly here, and your girl deserves more than someone who feels revulsion to her because she's been raped.

About half of my ex-girlfriends and a bunch of my close female friends have been raped (or molested) by people before I met them (it happens a lot more than is reported about). Each and every one I listened to, gave them a shoulder to cry on, and didn't judge them for it. I certainly didn't feel sorry for myself because I'd been lumped with a rape victim.

Looking at your ages, I guess it fits because you're still both children. Maybe with some time you'll mature and realise how the way you're reacting is completely inappropriate.

She's a complete human being with emotions and thoughts and desires and dreams, the world doesn't revolve around you, she's not your property and just because someone has raped her doesn't make her less of the person that she is or was or could be.

[–]linz0rz 3 points4 points ago

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As a former victim, thanks for posting this.

[–]mogleyNW 2 points3 points ago

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i appreciated this in a lot of ways. I hope you don't mind if i save this, and reference it from time to time. (credit to your reddit handle of course).

what you said should be held in high regard, IMHO.

[–]Vok250 7 points8 points ago

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The fact that you are angry and disgusted by this are a good thing, but you shouldn't let yourself ruminate on it so much. When you start to think about it, just recognize the thoughts/feelings for what they are and be happy that you care about this girl and find rape repulsive. Recognizing the thoughts should act like popping a bubble. Also if it continues to bother you a lot go talk to a friend about it. Usually I'd say talk to her, but it sounds like a painful topic to bring up so I'd say avoid it.

[–]mogleyNW 9 points10 points ago*

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^ I think you should heed this. I would even encourage finding a professional to talk to.

I also think it would be wise to remind yourself that the tragedy that this young lady has had to endure is not yours to own.

By that I mean, you don't have any responsibility, nor any right, to attach yourself to said tragedy. Unless she is explicit in seeking your intervention or attention to the matter, you should take her lead about it and let it be. She's let you into an intimate part of her life, please tread carefully.

That being said, if you're not taking care of your own health (mental, physical, spiritual), you'll both end up suffering. See what you can do about trying to find some peace with the issue and move forward. Perhaps instead focus on reminding her of all the beauty and goodness in the world.

Recognizing the thoughts should act like popping a bubble.

Great metaphor, pop that fucking bubble, and remember what happens to a bubble when it pops; it ceases to exist. Practice, practice, practice.

You are a strong person to have been carrying this. Know that. It's okay to feel frustrated, it's even okay to feel repulsed. Do better than "okay," you've already proven yourself to be someone capable of greatness.

If this resonates with you and/or you'd like a stranger to talk further with, please don't hesitate to PM.

[–]throwthisawayplx[S] 0 points1 point ago

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I really appreciate this post. I've been holding it all in for months and I've not spoken to it to family or friends. They have no idea it ever happened. I just pretend like everythings fine but like i've said just beneath the surface im seriously in pain. I think this is a good start for me to tell somebody even if it's faceless people on the internet. I'll take what you've said to heart and do my best to get past this.

[–]mogleyNW 0 points1 point ago

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you've struck a personal note in me, and i find myself urgent to warn you of the dangers of convincing yourself this is something you should just "walk-off" or that you will be able to sort out in a healthy and effective on your own. DUDE. you really need to reach out bro, stop being a thick-headed young man (I am one, i know). just stop all the over analyzing and pondering and just talk to to someone you trust at least decade older than yourself. SERIOUSLY. just because some faceless dude is telling you this, doesn't mean its vital and valuable advice.

[–]energybeing 2 points3 points ago

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Stop being so damn selfish and think about her. She's the one who was raped, not you. You need to realize that your feelings on the matter, while justified, need to be kept in check if you actually care about this girl.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

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I am dating a girl who was raped before I knew her, we've been dating for close to a year now. When I learned what happened, the instant reaction is you want to kill the man who did it. That is obviously out of the question, but I think it is an expected thought process. It is GOOD you feel this, if you didn't, it would show you didn't care about her. I learned to deal with it by remembering this. 1) it is NOT her fault, she did not ask for it, and was never what she wanted. 2) the man who did it will receive consequences for his actions. 3) my Girlfriend loves me, and what we have is special, and nothing anyone else has done will change that. 4) she wants to forget it because it hurts her, so I should try and do the same. and most importantly, 5) she will never feel as loved by another person than by me when we make love.

To me, its best to realize its not within your control, BUT, you can help your girlfriend realize that sex can be amazing, and not a hurtful experience, like what rape is.

I hope I've helped, all the best my friend.

[–]Twiggeh-Leaf 2 points3 points ago

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Why would you want to break up with her because she was RAPED prior to dating you? The thing is, people who are raped already feel more guilt than they should. Don't let the repulsion of what happened turn into repulsion towards her. It's understandable that it makes you angry, any good boyfriend would be, but don't turn it against her. More than anything, she would need support from you. She would need you to show her that it doesn't change who she is, she's no less of a person because someone decided to rape her. The fact that she even had the courage to tell you shows her trust in you.

Really, you should try to put it behind you. It isn't good for either of you to dwell on it. What happened happened, and there's no changing it. If you can't change it, deal with it, and move on. Make the best of it, it's all anyone can do. At least the guy had to pay for it, there are a lot of times when the guy gets away with it.

[–]throwthisawayplx[S] 0 points1 point ago

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I've collected from reading other people posts that it's a subconscious sense of repulsion that is leaking into my feelings towards her. I DO NOT blame her for what happened and I'm not going to break up with her at this point because of it. I really like this girl and it just sickens me to know that I couldnt have protected her from something like this even though I physically couldn't have.

[–]ImaCheeseMonkey 1 point2 points ago

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Does she have any idea how much it has been on your mind? It sounds almost like you somehow feel responsible because you want to protect her- even though logically you know that it happened before you both met. What a horrible, horrible thing to happen to both of you. Did her brother ever say anything after his friend said that to him?

I have never been raped so I cannot even begin to understand, but my friend who was raped when she was younger said it took a long time before she was comfortable with sex, even with the man she loved and is marrying. Something that you CAN control is making sure that she is comfortable with you and your sexual aspect of your relationship. You're a good man to care so much for her, but this might be something to talk through with someone other than her- it might be too delicate to bring up. :)

[–]throwthisawayplx[S] 1 point2 points ago

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That's why im confiding in the internet at this point. I'm almost ashamed (I know it sounds bad) to talk about it to friends or family. This is the first time i've looked to help other than trying to get past it on my own and it's not working. Like I said i'll be happy one day and the next I feel guilty and almost that i've failed her and am unable to protect her. I worry about her constantly because if anything happened to her again I dont know what I would do with myself.

[–]xemnaught 1 point2 points ago

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This is not really your issue, it's hers. That's about all you need to know. You have no reason to be disgusted or repulsed. It happened. Move forward.

[–]plucesiar 1 point2 points ago

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I remember something that this Australian monk (Ajahn Brahm) once said about the things we choose to ruminate upon. Imagine that the memories/thoughts you have access to are all represented by a massive garden. You go into this garden, what do you collect? Do you collect the dirt/shit? Or do you harvest the crop? Are you a "shit collector"?

Also, think about how amused that guy must be if he found out how much trouble it's causing you. Remember, living well is the best revenge.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago*

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you could always channel your anger into antirape activism. show up to women's rights rallies, write letters to your representatives on issues concerning rape kits, etc.. get positive!

*here, start with this