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Have any other minority guys been surprised by how many girls "strongly prefer to date someone of [their] own skin color / racial background?" (self.OkCupid)

submitted ago by [deleted]

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I'm a straight Asian guy, so I can only really speak from my perspective.

But it's happened a bunch of times where I find a girl I think would be interested in me, only to find that she doesn't want to date outside her race (given that the area I live in is predominantly white, the girl in question is typically white).

I gotta say, it doesn't feel good. And it's kinda messing with my brain. Especially because these are typically girls I felt I would have had a shot with in real life.

But I gotta say OKC has been pretty illuminating. Because when I'm out and about in bars and what not I don't really notice any racial bias, but it's undoubtedly there.

This isn't really a rant/complaint, I just wanted to get the thoughts/opinions of my fellow colored brethren.

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[–]ZeroBlues28/M/KY 2 points3 points ago*

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I'm a guy of color, so I can definitely understand your thoughts. I live in KY, so in my area there aren't many levels of racial diversity on OKC (not complaining, just stating facts). I don't exclusively date women of my own ethnic background, so I find myself messaging all demographics (predominantly white in my area). Got one or two of those "hard core" racial rants as replies. Nothing stood out in a lot of their profiles, so I made that question a mandatory on "would you strongly prefer to date/have kids with someone of their own skin color/racial background" question (neat little trick to weed out a slight few). I have to agree with a lot of the people here that the whole race thing is simply a preference, a partially outdated one imo, but one none the less. I still send a message to women I think are great, but when you're dealing the 'net and anonymity, the problem is perception and stereotypes, especially when you're dealing with just text and pics. Most times, if those women (or men) met you in person, they'd more likely to be attracted to the whole package, bypassing those stigmas. Unless they're just racist/bigoted/intolerant. Then who cares what they think?

[–]twss87going dark 5 points6 points ago

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According to the okcupid blog, race does have an impact on your response rates. I don't think I've seen any studies they've done on actual couples.

From my own experiences, as a straight Asian male in new york, I have decent results with white and Asian women, which I attribute to being in a very diverse region. Just curious, whereabouts do you live?

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]nvwlsnmnmhas no idea what he's talking about 1 point2 points ago

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All I have is what I've seen from some NYC folks, and yes. If you fail where you are, move to NYC.

[–]0kstupid31/M/RIGHT BEHIND YOU 1 point2 points ago

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TIL you should move to NYC if you have no luck on OKC.

[–]twss87going dark 0 points1 point ago

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NYC is pretty great. Long Island not so much. I really need to move back into the city...

[–]twss87going dark 0 points1 point ago

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I've had pretty good success with okcupid and can always very easily find new women I've never seen before that I think I'd be able to carry on an interesting conversation with that I find attractive. I'm dating someone I met on okcupid at the moment so I haven't been active recently. It took me about a month of being very active on okcupid to meet someone I got along with.

I always imagined SoCal to be pretty good in terms of mixed dating, especially given that there's so many Asians in California in general. I've never spent a considerable amount of time there, so I don't really have a basis for thinking that.

[–]cupidstupid 0 points1 point ago

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I'm from So Cal and am Asian and can vouch for this. I need to move to NYC.

[–]zhaoz 0 points1 point ago

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At least you dont live in Minnesota like I do.

I guess I will have to go back to old country or move to NYC..

[–]cleos 1 point2 points ago

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I'm a white (as a freaking sheet) girl and even this surprises me. In fact, saying "no" to the question is either mandatory or the very important for me.

Being most attracted to a particular "race" is a lot different from having a "strong preference for" - and I wonder if the answer to that question doesn't lead other-race people to be less likely to contact the person.

[–]HeyLolitaHey18/F/inside 2 points3 points ago

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I'm not really a minority nor a guy, but I have been surprised and quite put off at the same time by things like this (and I see it on girls' profiles more than guys).

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I see it on girls profiles all the time. Not just on OKC, but a lot of other places. A lot of them seem to be pretty blunt about it, and I'm getting the impression that they're getting flooded with black men sending them rude messages. Does that happen a lot?

[–]HeyLolitaHey18/F/inside 2 points3 points ago*

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Ugh. Not really actually, no - I think I got ruder messages from white guys more than any other race.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago*

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It's a shame that anybody is getting rude messages at all! Ugh! I hate when people get internet balls and say stuff online that they'd never say to someone in person.

[–]Rinn_The_Trickster23/F/Planeswalker 4 points5 points ago

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Consider OKC a tool for weeding out the crap like racists more quickly.

[–]Lionhearted09 3 points4 points ago

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Just because you are attracted to someone of the same skin color doesn't make you racist.

[–]Rinn_The_Trickster23/F/Planeswalker 9 points10 points ago

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No, but eliminating everyone else in the world strictly based on the superficial - skin color - is hard to explain. There's a difference between attraction/preference, and exclusion. It would be like saying you ONLY date people with green eyes rather than preferring people with green eyes. It happens, it's just odd.

[–]Septime 3 points4 points ago

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My friend is attracted to black girls and not white girls, I'm attracted to white girls and not black girls. Regardless of how awesome a person is I don't think i could date someone if i wasn't somewhat physically attracted to them. My friend is black and i'm white, we live together and have mutual friends of all skin colors, creeds, lifestyle, etc. Just because you are not physically attracted to a certain skin color doesn't make you racist... If you are not attracted to them because of their skin color for non-physical reasons then yes you are a racist.

[–]cleos -3 points-2 points ago

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There's a difference between liking people of your own skin color and strongly preferring someone of your skin color.

Do you strongly prefer people of a certain hair or eye color, enough that you'd publicly declare it in questions? No, probably not.

[–]sqazmSongs are vacations, our soul salvation. 4 points5 points ago

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I strongly prefer dark haired women. Because I've found that's what I'm attracted to. I see no difference in race. It's not like "I prefer white girls, cuz black girls, u uggo."

[–]cleos 0 points1 point ago

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Ah, so you have never dated any blondes or red-heads?

To clarify, you are willing to sacrifice the opportunity of engaging in a relationship with someone who (through further interaction) you could discover as being an excellent companion, friend, and lover to you all because they don't have dark hair?

[–]sqazmSongs are vacations, our soul salvation. 3 points4 points ago

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My now ex is a blonde who just went red. Prior to that, I dated a girl who had dark hair. The question isn't "Do you only date people that look a certain way," it's a question of preference. I know what I am mostly attracted to, so I prefer that. Does me only dating women make me sexist?

[–]Jayross20/M/Vancouver,NYC[!] -1 points0 points ago

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Does me only dating women make me sexist?

sqazm uses argue. It's very ineffective.

[–]sqazmSongs are vacations, our soul salvation. 1 point2 points ago

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Jayross uses trap. It's super ineffective.

[–]desu_desu 0 points1 point ago

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So it's perfectly acceptable to be attracted to certain physical features, unless that feature is skin color?

Oh and hair color, hair texture, brow shape, eye shape, height....

[–]CACuzcatlan29/M/SF 5 points6 points ago

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I find it hard to believe that someone could not find at least a few people of a specific race they are attracted to without being racist. I can understand not being attracted to some or even most people of a given group, but to not be able to find at least a few attractive people in that group, strikes me as very strange.

[–]Rinn_The_Trickster23/F/Planeswalker -1 points0 points ago*

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Not saying you can't have a type (I mean, I certainly have one), but that if it is a deal-breaker then it is a good sorting method.

[–]HeyImAlex20/M/Dallas 0 points1 point ago

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SRS crowd would say that those preferences are instilled in us by a racist society, and that we should be cognizant of that. I'm with them up until that point; when someone suggests that I should somehow be ashamed of who I'm attracted to I lose interest.

[–]cleos 3 points4 points ago

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SRS person here and no, I don't think you should "be ashamed."

At the same time, though, I don't think it's okay to recognize social influences and be like "Well, I'm still adamant about labeling other races as non-attractive."

Chances are, the more interaction you have with people of other races, the more willing you will be to date them. I'm not saying there aren't white people in all black neighborhoods who won't date black people, but I'm saying that people who grow up in an area where they are not interacting significantly with people of other races, or who are brought up in an environment that paints an "us versus them" picture of race are probably less likely to view people of other races as being less attractive.

And I really don't think most people treat this issue as the same with hair-color and eye-color. There are tons of people who will date blondes, brunettes, and red-heads, but not so many people who will date people of different races and ethnic backgrounds.

[–]HeyImAlex20/M/Dallas -1 points0 points ago

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Even your post provides no altered course of action. No amount of repeating "love Asian women" in the mirror will alter someone's underlying physical attraction to Asian women. The best one can do is try to have an open mind and recognize that their biases may have more to do with race than they think. Even doing that won't accomplish much in the end, as attraction isn't something most people can willfully change. Ultimately I agree that preferences have a lot to do with societal biases and racial stereotypes, but I think that pinning people who "don't date black chicks" as racist (something I saw in the thread on SRSD) is the wrong way to go about solving the problem entirely.

[–]0kstupid31/M/RIGHT BEHIND YOU 2 points3 points ago

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Nope. Who gives a shit, asians are the fucking bomb.

[–]cupidstupid -4 points-3 points ago

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I wonder why this got downvoted.

[–]0kstupid31/M/RIGHT BEHIND YOU -5 points-4 points ago

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I like your username

[–]ViciousVixen26/F/Seattle 1 point2 points ago

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Maybe they're not really thinking about it? I'm more attracted to white guys, cause I'm white. If you look at the psychology behind attraction, people do typically prefer mates who look like them.

That being said, I spent 6 years with a hispanic guy, and on Saturday I have a date with an Asian dude from okc. Just because I have a preference toward my own race doesn't mean I'm exclusive.

I guess what I'm saying is, they might have quickly answered the question without thinking. Might still be worth a sent message. :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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Oh, they're thinking about it alright.. if they are taking the time to put "I only date $RACE men" then they are definitely thinking about it.

[–]ViciousVixen26/F/Seattle 3 points4 points ago

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I was referring the folks who answer "yes" to the question "I strongly prefer to date someone of my own race." If they blatantly say "only white guys" obviously they're a complete waste of time.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Ah, ok. I misunderstood. Sorry about that! :-)

[–]Simmbbaaa24/m/NYC 0 points1 point ago

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I agree with this! It comes down to preference. It's not that people are entirely unwilling to date outside their own race - but you have to impress a little more. I don't think anyone can honestly say they're equally attracted to every ethnicity, but for the most part, everyone's capable of being attracted to someone of any ethnicity.

Oddly enough, I do see a portionable amount of Jewish girls who will only date Jewish guys. Sup with that?

[–]nvwlsnmnmhas no idea what he's talking about 0 points1 point ago*

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As a straight, Caucasian male, I run into this as well.

Frankly, I don't care what color your skin is. I can wish for others to feel the same but I know it'll never happen. It's a shame, really, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

EDIT: Because I realize the title of this post is clearly marked for "Minority Guys" yet I just want it known that it's not just minorities who go through this.

[–]herrsmith 4 points5 points ago

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I, too, was surprised at the number of people who answered that they would strongly prefer to date/have kids with someone of their own skin color/racial background. I would be checking through the answers, find this, and definitely lose interest.

[–]ComeAtMeBrother30 / Male / Manhattan 1 point2 points ago

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So you're complaining about being at the very top of the dating totem pole? Huh?

It's pretty damn awesome being a white male. Let's at least be honest here.

[–]nvwlsnmnmhas no idea what he's talking about 2 points3 points ago*

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I think you mean to say that it's pretty damn awesome being an athletic or built white male taller than 5'10". I am but one two of those criteria.

In no way am I trying to diminish the fact that people of other ethnicity have trouble dating. What I am trying to do is bring awareness to the fact that what OP describes is not minority-specific.

EDIT: Because I'm really two of those. lol

[–]ComeAtMeBrother30 / Male / Manhattan -1 points0 points ago

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Fair enough. Hit the gym.

[–]dan_blather47/M/NYS 0 points1 point ago

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Jewish here, in a very liberal/progressive town. Not a race, I know, but I've run into many profiles on Match with religion preferences that include atheism, agnosticism, and every religion under the sun but Judaism. There's a very strong anti-Israel sentiment here, so I'm guessing that's what I'm seeing.

In large cities, I saw a lot of profiles from black women that downright said "no white men". Nobody ever seems to say they have a problem with that. There's still some "seeking Irish/Italian/Polish" in the Rust Belt.

[–]HeyImAlex20/M/Dallas 3 points4 points ago

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There's a very strong anti-Israel sentiment here

I don't think you can equate not wanting to date people with different ideologies with being anti-something. One is a preference, the second implies that you're somehow against that subgroup of people; I don't generally like to date christian girls, but that doesn't make me anti-christian.

[–]0kstupid31/M/RIGHT BEHIND YOU 1 point2 points ago

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Oh god, please spare me this anti jewish bs. I especially like how you bring in anti israeli feelings as well as if the two are intertwined.

[–]AReaver22/ M/ SLC 0 points1 point ago

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Do they actually say or is this just referring to that specific question on there? Because that is one of the most loaded questions on there.

EX- I personally find my own race the most attractive in general. Does that mean I "strongly prefer" them? Fuck no. Are the chances of me finding them attractive higher? Yes. But that question is BS chances are anyone who only "kinda prefers it" would anwser yes.Not to mention they may have a specific race in mind when thinking about it as well. I really don't think there are that many people out that that will exclusively date their own race without being insane/racist in the first place. Otherwise it's just personal taste.

[–]oh_penguin 1 point2 points ago

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Totally agree. That question is set up to be yes or no. There's no middle ground for those people who have a slight preference to one group or another. That's why I always clear things up with my explanation.

[–]seer358 0 points1 point ago

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But anyone who thinks there is the middle ground has a chance to add an explanation, most people don't.

Personally I use that question as a litmus test as well but I have various feelings about it, to be honest. I have mixed race friends who have complexes and this delusion that they can walk through the world and be identified as mixed. Nah brah, to 90% of people, you're still just a nigger, get those delusions of grandeur out of your head.

I wouldn't want my own kid to grow up with that (and if I had a child with a white woman, I'd make sure to not let that happen) My ex girlfriend was white, and I've dated more white girls than black ones.

[–]Killerzeit22 | F | Southern CA 0 points1 point ago

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There was an OkCupid blog done about skin color/race and response rates. I know that the highest response rate goes to Caucasian males.

My profile has been deactivated for a couple months, but I like white and Asian men equally, but never really got responses from anyone I ever messaged because I noticed a lot of white guys weren't particularly into white girls (as opposed to Asian or black girls). I know that reversed feel, bro.

[–]cupidstupid 0 points1 point ago

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I'm curious to know if your white lady friends share your sentiment.

[–]Killerzeit22 | F | Southern CA 2 points3 points ago

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Only one of my good friends had a profile and she got just as many messages as I did, but more people responded to her overall and I know why.

Her: cute, long red hair, freckles, hazel eyes, feminine build, awesome personality.

Me: brown hair, pixie cut, brown eyes, more square jaw line, more masculine build with wider shoulders, also decent personality.

My lack of messages probably also stems from having a very small audience in the physical attractiveness department. So really, my unsuccessful OkC adventures could really be a mix of things.

[–]seer358 0 points1 point ago

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Surprised? Not in the least.

I'm more surprised when they straight up put it on their profiles. I just came across one that said "Do not message me if you are homophobic, black or mexican." Which just made me wtf at multiple levels.

[–]ashmole24/M/Austin-ish -2 points-1 points ago

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It's very disconcerting to see a 90% match, who seems somewhat progressive, answer in the affirmative to that question.

My favorite are the people who answer "yes" to "Is interracial marriage a bad idea?"