Will someone explain something to my girlfriend.

Mezmerial · 1 year

TIL that I am a bigger asshole then i originally anticipated.

quish · 1 year

Will someone explain to her that men just appreciate beauty.

Everyone appreciates beauty. Don't bring gender into it unnecessarily. Most straight women notice a hot man. I certainly do. But if it bothers their significant other, they certainly shouldn't bring it up to them or act obvious about checking them out in front of them. That sounds like it's the problem here.

Tri_Sara_Tops · 1 year

I think it depends on exactly what it is you're saying. For example, my boyfriend and I don't have a problem saying in front of each other, "She's really pretty," or "He's a handsome dude." But if he were to say, "Damn, she is SO smokin hot. I'd hit that," or something similar, it would definitely make me uncomfortable.

kaunis · 1 year

people have already answered the question, but i also wanted to mention:

the title "will someone explain something to my girlfriend" came off as haughty. you were looking for the answer you wanted, and that's it.

i'm guessing you two have a HUGE communication issue.

this could have been solved with a very calm "honey, when you do this, it makes me feel like this" you then say okay, i know it makes you upset, but this is my reasoning for the behavior. then she tells you why that reasoning might be valid but it still HURTS HER, and eventually you guys make a decision. 5 minute issue, tops. as long as both parties are willing to hear each other out (calmly!) and be willing to alter behavior that hurts the partner (as long as the request is reasonable. this isn't like stop talking to your family, this is stop ogling other women).

but no. she probably never said it like that, and you get all pissy and run to the internet, wanting someone to "fix" your girlfriend.

talk it out next time, both of you. maybe you already have, but i imagine that just from the tone of your post alone, any time you did talk about it it turned into a "im right, no, I'm right!" fight of nasty tones toward each other with neither of you even caring about compromise. that needs to stop, or your relationship isn't going to get anywhere especially if something bigger than this comes up. you guys should have been able to solve this one on your own.

lowspeedlowdrag · 1 year

Sure, want me to call her?

eyeliketigers · 1 year

If you are pointing them out to her and you know it's making her upset, then the problem is you. Ok, you check out girls. You probably can't help that. But pointing them out to your girlfriend is pretty much rubbing it in her face, especially when you already know it makes her feel bad/ upsets her. Are you really that insensitive?

Think about all the things you're insecure about and think about if she constantly pointed out hot guys who had features you thought you lacked. It might make you feel shitty too.

Robasha · 1 year

OP's girlfriend here to thank you guys on helping my boyfriend be more perceptive to my feelings. Basically I understand the fact that he finds other women attractive. What I would rather not have to deal with is the fact that he has to let me know, very often. Keep it to yourself. But that alone hasn't made me freak out and think he is going to leave me. What Mezmerial left out was that last week, he admitted to me that he had become bored and complacent in our relationship and was doubting his feelings for me. He tried something out to test his feelings, to see if he was still in love with me, or if being together was just convenient and comfortable for the both of us. He reasoned with "I'm the guy who wants what he cannot get." It turned out we really did just need to shake things up, and are still as in love as ever. But I internalized his fears and made myself believe that it was my fault he was doubting his feelings. That if I was being the best girlfriend I could be, then he wouldn't want things he couldn't have, because what he had was better. So a few days later, when i was showing him a picture of a dog, he says "OOOH look at her!", noticing the woman in the picture. I immediately got offended and caught an attitude with him saying, "Why don't you just leave me for her then?" I was admittedly still harboring some insecurities from his confession, so I guess I subconsciously thought that by saying he could have this other woman, he wouldn't want her anymore. But we've talked, and you guys have helped a million, and he told me that he realized he should have never been pointing out to me whenever he finds girls to be hot. In our relationship I think that works best. I don't have to feel insecure and wonder if he's pointing out women because he thinks I should look more like them or he may move on to greener pastures.

TL;DR OP gave girlfriend issues when he told her he wants what he can't have, Reddit swooped in and saved the day.

helloeleni · 1 year

So.... I don't understand. "Random chicks on the internet" ... does this mean porn or gonewild? or random pictures on facebook? Are you pointing out their attractiveness to your girlfriend?

If the latter is the case, I can see why that would upset her. My boyfriend rarely does this, and I don't really mind it. However if he made a habit out of it I would get pissed off pretty quickly.

Whether or not she has self-esteem issues or doubts about the relationship is kind of moot; in my opinion, she obviously doesn't like you making those comments to her/looking at (naked?) pictures of pretty girls in front of her, she has made that known to you, so knock it off. Even if you don't really understand why it upsets her, it's disrespectful to continue doing it.

I'd say you're within your rights to ask her why it upsets her, but honestly I don't know why it wouldn't. I'm very secure in my looks and relationship, but if my boyfriend focused all his visual lust on random chicks on the internet, it would not be long until it started chipping into my self-esteem, and after 3-4 years I would probably be pretty upset.

catpocalypse · 1 year

and your "men want what they can't have" comment undoubtedly made things worse-what in god's name would possess you to say that?

LadyGriggs · 1 year

ok, here's the thing, you need to pick your battles. You say it's always in a joking manner, and she never likes it from the sounds of it, so why are you still doing it? This shouldn't be a big issue. It is easy enough to fix, you can appreciate a good looking actress or model, but don't make it an obvious point of how attractive you think she is. Your gf probably doesn't think you are really going to leave, she probably is just hurt that you keep telling her how these other women are so beautiful. Is it really worth it to prove a point?

(female redditor btw)

kleine-rot · 1 year

Okay. The problem is not that you look, it's how it (sounds like) you're shoving it down her throat. I know my bf of 3 years looks, that's natural... How we handle it, if he exclaims, wow look at those tits ... He follows it up with, but not as nice as my girlfriend's. Even if I know it's full of crap, it's recognition on his part that he's acted a little like a dog :)

bp_516 · 1 year

Appreciating beauty is one thing, but if you keep searching for hot girls while you're on the internet, that does point to a different thing. Unless you're doing this for work, then yes, it'll hit your GF in her self-esteem. I agree with you that it doesn't mean you want to leave her, but if you continually do it, then you're not showing her a whole lot of respect, either.

micheesie · 1 year

Relationships mean sacrifices. Do her a favor and stop doing what you are doing and compliment her more. Edit Grammar.

CagedRat · 1 year

My wife points out attractive women to me in public. We're both pretty secure in our relationship and there is nothing wrong with looking. She knows I'm going to one way or another.

goldiecat · 1 year

It really pisses me off when people say,"oh she's just insecure! She is insecure in the relationship!" Umm no, she's a normal person who doesn't want her bf to be like, "hey babe this girl is so hot!" Excuse me, but that's fucking rude. I would be pissed too! I bet she feels reals real good about herself when her boyfriend shows her girls he thinks are hot. No matter what, she is probably going to compare herself to them. If you are fine with your bf looking at porn, that's fine. However, it's NOT wrong to not be okay with that! Everyone is different.

lmak10 · 1 year

"men just appreciate beauty" sounds like an excuse to me. If you know it bugs her maybe you could try not to look at hot girls on the internet, or maybe just hide it better. I know I'd be happier not knowing what my bf does on the internet. And lurker girl- don't let him tell you these generalizations about men like they excuse his behavior if it's upsetting you

[deleted] · 1 year

This comment is directed towards the girlfriend:

I used to be really weird about boyfriends looking at other women in the real world or online. First it was an issue with porn. I got over that. Then it was looking at other women around the mall or whatever. That bothered me more than women online because those are "real" women he could potentially leave me for.

Eventually I got over everything for the most part, and realized that we're all humans and our instincts are to find mates we're attracted to. It's just a natural thing. Acting on it is something entirely different.

When I thought about it, I realized that I had no place to be jealous when my boyfriend did that because I did it too. I realized that I would look at cute guys walking around town, and I watch porn. It doesn't mean I wanna be with those men sexually, and even if I do, it doesn't mean I'm going to. Y'know?

I still am a little uneasy about my current boyfriend, but only sometimes. He has two female friends that I do feel weird about him being around, and I'm not sure why I feel that way. I just chalk it up to being irrational due to how much my ex fucked me up. Hopefully, that's all it is.

I have to believe you look at other guys, because I feel like everyone does it. I could be wrong, but it would seem there's no way you can just selectively blind yourself from potentially attractive men around you. I think everyone's like this though.

Occasionally, my boyfriend will tell me someone is attractive, and I won't lie, I will either agree or disagree with him, and for a minute or so, I will feel self conscious if I think they're better looking than me. Which I can totally understand why you'd be upset if your boyfriend does this a lot.

I think both of you need to talk about this and get on the same page. He's never going to stop if you don't, and similarly, you won't be able to feel better about the situation if it's not resolved.

Hope this helps a little. Sorry it's so long.

catpocalypse · 1 year

How about you learn to respect your girlfriend and stop looking at other women. If you want to keep looking, stay single. It's hurtful and crushing for you to be so rude to your girlfriend.

katesrepublic · 1 year

I dunno, everyone's jumping on OP's back saying that he needs to just stop and try to please her - but compromise works both ways. Yes, guys are just gonna look at girls - as long as it's not to excess. He could work on being a little more discreet or restrained, and GF could also stand to be a little more understanding and less insecure.

LCK_74 · 1 year

It seems the general consensus is that you should keep comments regarding another woman's appearance to yourself. My SO and I have been dating for 3 years, and never once has he gone out of his way to tell me that he things some other broad is attractive. While I know that he DOES think they are, it's sortof an unspoken understanding that we don't need to voice it. It's a personal opinion, so keep it that way. It kinda sounds like you're talking about other girls more than you're complimenting your SO, and that definitely leads to unneeded insecurity. Just work on praising her more and keeping other chick comments to yourself. That should help immensely

Saint_ · 1 year

Noticing pictures of other people, or searching them out?

UsernameUsername1212 · 1 year

most straight women notice hot women. Just make sure you are telling her once in a while that she is beautiful and such.

valyriansnow · 1 year

My dad once said to me "Well, I figure when you're in a relationship life is like an art gallery, y'know, you can look, but don't touch".

An appreciative look doesn't necessarily convey intent.

Edit: Alternatively, subscribe her to /r/LadyBoners and just let her get on with it.

michaelfarker · 1 year

Women are like sunsets. I enjoy the beauty of each one individually without it diminishing my appreciation.

A relationship with a special woman is a much greater and more enduring treasure.

TheNextMovement · 1 year

No one is going to help her get over her own insecurities but herself.

[deleted] · 1 year

Men aren't the only ones who appreciate beauty. I honestly had a problem with my ex looking at porn, but after a while, I thought "if he keeps looking at it, knowing it will get him in trouble, it must be worth something." So, I checked it out, and understood quickly. It's harmless, and quite honestly, it's healthy to know what you're attracted to. Have her subscribe to r/ladybonersgw (or one of the many female-friendly porn subreddits). good luck :)

okec · 1 year

Your boyfriend obviously appreciates beauty, probably one of the reason's he's with you. Just relax and appreciate that he thinks your beautiful. There'a a reason he's been with you for 3-4 years.

straterranova · 1 year

I dont understand women. (I am one and still don't understand them lol) I mean we think other men are attractive so why is it terrible for our men to think other girls are attractive? My SO and I even talk about how other girls are attractive and pretty and what not. I know that he loves me. I'm 100 percent sure that he will never leave me for another woman so I am more than ok with him thinking other women are hot. Women need to get over the fact that other women are nice to look at. Women need to accept that not all men cheat and lie. Not all men are jerks and there are nice ones out there that do, in fact, just look.

Deadpooldave · 1 year

Show her pic. Once she get 14,000 views. Call it even.

ShadowKeaton · 1 year

If you're not jerking off to those pictures then I don't see what the problem is. On reddit/ the internet in general, you're going to come across pictures of both women and men, whether they're nude in a sexual or sensual manner or just pictures of people in general if it's funny, art and everything else. When looking at this pictures it's not like you're going to leave her for some picture on the internet or even in real life, you can't just block out every female you see, it's going to happen.

Learn to trust is all I can say. We cannot stop from looking at the same or opposite sex on and offline. But if you're not jerking off to these pictures then there's nothing to fear or worry about. You're staying with her because you want HER. Not some other chick you see.

But never use the excuse of "Men appreciate beauty" because every one does that. The human body whether it's male or female is beauty and art (and this is coming from an artist by the by). All it is though when you say it like that is nothing but a lame excuse. Guys AND girls look at the same and opposite sex, it happens.

redditmesilly · 1 year

LOL, she is a lurker and you posted? Brother, all the best to you :)

Advice to the lady - Men appreciate beauty. He might think another girl's picture is cute or pretty, but he is still with you and not another girl who looks like the girl(s) from the picture(s), so understand that he still digs you.

Cheers.

Succubus666 · 1 year

Wow you fucked up with that comment! I'd be apologizing if I were you. Second, you mean to tell me she never judges men by thinking, "hey, he's hot!"---if she says no, she's lying. Even then, If either of you do, it does not mean you're ready to drop everything to go be with someone else. It's called being human and having sexual instincts to find other people appealing. When my bf sees a pretty girl and mentions it I usually look and make my own judgement. I could care less. I'm not saying this is true for all men but girls being insecure like that is a complete turn off. I'd suggest telling her more often than not how much you appreciate her or something she does so she doesn't have as many insecurities. GF---if youre reading this, loosen up. If he felt that way he would t have invested 4 years of his life just to walk away because someone is pretty. He obviously cares for you so stop doubting that or you may actually push him away.

shmoopyboo · 1 year

Try showing her the top pic in r/Ladyboners(http://www.reddit.com/r/ladyboners) as a little present. B/c, cute!

But also, it might help her to see as you see: that casual looking (IRO and at pics) is only a small part of your sexuality but not the whole of it. Perhaps, once she sees the pic, she'll run through a similar gamut in her own mind. If she's never really considered looking at randoms, maybe she'll find that it's ok for her to explore that side of herself. May not be into it at all but it's worth a shot.

Proceed with loving attention and respect for her limits and each other. Good luck.

[deleted] · 1 year

I point out girls to my boyfriend all the time. He doesn't point girls out to me but I catch him looking. It doesn't bother me because I know he loves me, not those women. I personally think the problem is with her...

ragingmemeaholic · 1 year

There are seperate drives: sexual and emotional then there's the pause to check system. Key thing is that they're seperate drives! If he has any self control and really likes you no worries at all. Example: She's hot (eyes drawn to her) then the pause to check system comes in: "I love my girlfriend and what we have I'd never give that up. The pause to check system is balanced by the emotional system, if you really like your girlfriend and are happy you won't cheat because its not worth losing. This is my simplified version there are several factors like temperamant (impulsivity) but the main thing is that the drives are seperate! Also avoid telling your gf how hot other women are it makes them feel inadequate and vice versa even though they likely aren't. If you are secure in your relationship pointing out a hottie every once in a while is ok because the other person knows looks aren't everything at all.

emileelee5 · 1 year

saying that you want what you can't have probably would have made me a little upset.. But like with my fiance. I could give a dam what he looks at. lol were both ok with us "checkin out the opposite sex" lol He always teases me that he will make me go bi. lol but we make it a joke. fiance: hun look.. 2 o'clock, id stick it in her. me: ...hmm.. dam! so would i ; D!! LOL

xXxBluESkiTtlExXx · 1 year

Hey you! Girlfriend of O.P! Just because he notices other women does not mean he doesn't want you. Think about it. If he didn't notice women, would you be with him?

Rasalom · 1 year

Looking at women for men is as biological as sneezing. Some can hide it better than others, but we all do it and it has to happen.

Sometimes it happens just because, like a regular sneeze from dust or the sun (just looking at a good looking woman).

Sometimes it's a sneeze from a sickness (your guy wants to cheat).

Some guys do it gross (wiping their hand on their arm or staring at a woman for too long), some are more polite (a compliment to a stranger can be like covering your mouth), but in the end, all men still do it.

As long as OP was up front about it with you, you have nothing to worry about. He's trying to assure you it's meaningless, and it pretty much is.

[deleted] · 1 year

You aren't really an asshole. You're just a guy, dating an insecure girl.

basketballpope · 1 year

It doesnt matter where you build up your appetite as long as you come home for dinner

jinglyjangly88 · 1 year

She needs to take a good look at herself. Why is she so concerned with who and what you look at? The fact remains that (I hope) you have been faithful and you're doing nothing more than appreciating something that's pretty. Has she never been to an art museum or a movie theatre? It's the same exact thing; you are appreciating the beauty behind something, but that doesn't mean you're going to drop everything and take the painting from the museum or steal the movie reel from the theatre. Sounds like she's insecure to me...

spankytheham · 1 year

You notice other women being you are a sexual being, if you wouldn't notice them it would mean you are either blind or gay, I don't think your gf would appreciate either.

Deathdealer1929 · 1 year

Hey, there's nothing wrong with looking at the menu.

Larviz · 1 year

Men are more visual. Looking is not a bad thing. Hell I remember my mom taking my dad to the strip club and getting him a lap dance. Nothing wrong with window shopping. We women do it, and we do not buy.

techtakular · 1 year

this is fucking hilarious, for the simple fact its not me. ah schadenfreude.

Anyway I would tell it like this, look sorry I can't help it I do not wish that they were you or you them. I love you for you and nothing no matter what any women in the world looks like would ever change that.

But as the top comments points, there may seem to be something more here than a lack of understanding.

mezasu · 1 year

What CagedRat said. If you want to hear this example from the other side, I'm a 32F in a fairly new relationship and I point out attractive women in public. His /r/gonewild links are all purple. So what. I'm right here in front of him. I know that he knows nothing about that woman and even though I might consider her prettier than me, I know I can be the best damn woman for him. He also doesn't freak out if I look at an attractive man. Wee /r/ladyboners! Pretty people are everywhere and there is no reason to get worked up over it unless you are making a HUGE deal over another pretty girl and don't shut up about it in front of her (not saying you are doing this, just giving an extreme example).

Did she have a rough past if she thinks you will just up and leave her over someone who might look better? It's not fair for her to blindfold you for the rest of your life. You're going to look at porn, you're going to work with attractive women throughout your life, they exist. She needs to be confident in herself and be sexy for you. If she complains about every woman you see, you are probably going to get sick of it. But please don't go pointing out every attractive girl to her. Keep it to yourself.

theplow · 1 year

She needs to chill out. I couldn't imagine her reaction if she knew you fapped to porn while she was away.

To the girlfriend: If he's been with you for almost 4 years and cares enough to post about this on reddit. Then give him a blowjob and tell him he's wonderful and get over your insecurities.

To the boyfriend: Compliment her sweet ass on a routine basis, because she's insecure and needs that. And say some meaningful shit to.

Jaydubzsc2 · 1 year

What are half of these people talking about? UR DOING NOTHING WRONG, just because you think a women is attractive DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING. Obviously she thinks other MEN are attractive, why wouldn't you? Your obviously not dating the hottest girl in the world, and shes not dating the hottest male. Of course your both going to find other people attractive, but you do not just date people because you find them attractive. I feel like from this their has to be insecurities in the past of her past life. Just make sure she knows you love her, and tell her that and you would do anything.

Your fine, i do this all time. Girlfriend agrees and giggles with me and helps me pick out hot ones when we go out and we rate them. She knows im not going to do anything.

catpocalypse · 1 year

[deleted]

freudianasaurus · 1 year

She is fundamentally insecure with herself. Is she fucking twelve? Grown women don't assume that their significant others will just up and leave them because they see a picture of Megan Fox on the internet, or because he briefly looks at some hot chick.

Seriously, girl, just stop it. You're not doing women any favors by being a paranoid, jealous cunt. The reason women like you get dumped is not because men can only appreciate a hot girl. It's because men don't appreciate being nagged at every time they use their eyes. Get over it.

Nerzz · 1 year

some people are beautiful why not notice them. Sounds like she is insecure.

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